


To a Flame

by theinnernerdwrites



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: AKA: A past and present section in each chapter, Aged-Up Character(s), Amnesia, Angst, Anna is the best nurse ever and deserves the whole damn WORLD, Bilingual Lance (Voltron), Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Coma, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Fix-It, Gay Keith (Voltron), Hospitalization, Hospitals, I wanted to cry writing half of this, Internalized Homophobia, It’s just messy in general, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith loves him so much, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance is figuring himself out, Lance looses his memory, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, My boy is so sad, Nurses, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Pining, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Post Season 4, Self Acceptance, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Keith/Lance (Voltron), Smut, Soft Keith (Voltron), Time Skips, because that shit was a mess tbh, but there’s fluff too don’t worry, coma recovery, coran comes in much later, he's a little ball of loving rage that just wants his fiancé to be happy and heathy, heartbroken Keith, honestly... just poor Keith, i didnt forget about him i promise, its not as confusing as it sounds, klangst, lance does too he just doesn’t remember, nothing too explicit or graphic but still smut, pining all around, so so much angst I apologize
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-05-18 19:18:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 78,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14858705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinnernerdwrites/pseuds/theinnernerdwrites
Summary: “I hated you?” Lance asked, seeming surprised, which in of itself pleased Keith a bit.“Well hate is a strong word, but yeah.” He answered. “Every day it was back and forth between you and I. We drove everyone crazy with our incessant bickering. You called it a rivalry, and I'm the kind of guy who has difficulty backing down when I'm challenged.”Lance hummed curiously. His eyes fixing in concentration the way they always do when he's learning something new or perplexing. “You seem like it he smiled.”Keith couldn’t help but smile a bit back in spite of the terrible ache in his chest. He really had no idea at all.OrLance loses his memory after a near deadly accident and Keith, his fiancé, is now nothing more than a stranger to him. Keith tries to help put the pieces of his life back together, but there are things in his life that Keith knows he isn’t yet ready to accept. Even if he had already done it once before.





	1. Not The Start

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! I’m so excited that you’ve chosen to stop by and read my first published klance fic! I’ve written a tun but this is the first one I’ve ever felt ready to post. I’m a major editor so expect possible minor-ish changes to chapters as I continue to update. This first chapter is a lot of exposition but hang with me because things pick up in chapter 2! 
> 
> Edit: READ THIS--Some of you have mentioned that you were confused about the timeline:   
> the timeline shifts back and forth between the past and present. Every chapter will have one scene from the stories past and one from the present. ('pre' and 'post' accident)  
> The "past" set in the same time period as the actual show- same ages of 17/18 and the same time period, etc.   
> The 'present' which from where we are in the show is about 5 years in the future.   
> For clarification: pre-accident starting ages- Pidge is 15, Lance and Hunk are 17, Keith is 18, Shiro is 25. Post-accident starting ages- pidge is 21, Lance and Hunk are 23, Keith is 24, and Shiro is 31.  
> Canon only affects the story from season 1 to season 4.  
> the *** are your cue that the time period has shifted from one to the other. I will only ever have one of each time in each chapter. The past, or "pre-accident" picks up right at the end of season 4 and goes from there.  
>  I may or may not include things from the incoming seasons into my plot as I write but as of now it only follows canon up to season four. Idk though! Anything can happen! Let me know if that’s something you all would like to see, and until then, Enjoy this first chapter!

***Post-Accident: Week 5, Day 1***

 

The room was quiet all except for the soft beeping of the heart monitor that rang through the air of the cramped hospital room he sat in.

It was a sound that had unexpectedly become very soothing to Keith. Each beep corresponded with Lance’s real heartbeats, and it helped Keith to calm down, at least a little. The sound served as indefinite reassurance that Lance was, in fact, breathing and alive.

It was nearing the end of Keith’s 5th week staying at this hospital. His 5th week of sleeping in chairs. His 5th week of bathing under the thick, intrusive fluorescent lights of the hospital. His 5th week of waking up every morning to the sight of Lance’s basically lifeless body, completely unchanged from how it was the night before. His 5th week of simply trying to endure the agony that is living day to day without Lance, begging the stars above that his heart monitor would never stop beeping.

He refused to leave Lance’s side and was fine to completely ignore life, and his own health to be with him.

The hospital staff that tended to Lance started to grow used to Keith's constant presence after the first week after the exception for him to stay with Lance was made. They eventually engaged him in regular conversation, no doubt to break the frigid ice that Keith’s presence seemed to douse the room in.

It took a while for Keith to come around and pull himself out of the void that was his inability to cope with the situation at hand but with Shiro's constant support and the help of the nurses who ended up looking after him, he was much better than he had been. The staff started to get to know their patient through him as well, asking Keith about what Lance was like and who he was in general. They deliberately didn’t try and dig too deep as to not upset the already extremely temperamental and vulnerable man that made even the nurses shy and nervous when they did anything to Lance. Keith’s glare was deadly focused and penetrating, his eyes conveying the not so subtle notion that if they were responsible for anything bad happening to Lance, he was perfectly capable of and completely ready to snap their necks in half.

For this reason, getting to know either of them was a bit difficult for the nurses. Keith seemed cold, angry, and extremely unapproachable, and Lance, obviously, was in a coma. As time went on though, Keith softened. His protectiveness dying down the more he got used to the situation. Though saying he was used to any of this was a major overstatement. There was one nurse in particular that Keith was able to connect with eventually more so than the others. A nurse that Keith knew Lance would have flirted with to no end if he had been conscious and not committed to Keith. Her presence actually helped Keith in that way, keeping his memories of him alive while Lance lay so still and lifeless.

He told the nurse as much, quite out of the blue one afternoon and she, despite her initial surprise, found it hilarious and begged Keith to tell her more about him. She since had remained very keen on helping Keith emotionally by asking more about Lance as it seemed to help him, listening fondly when Keith described him in such detail and with such love.

She was able to feel like she knew Lance, despite never having spoken a word to him. The way Keith described him made taking care of him a bit more meaningful, which in nursing, was a very important thing. Having connections with the patient just made your job easier, especially with coma patients, where building any real relationship with them was near impossible.

It was a refreshing side of Keith that helped his penchant for protectiveness make more sense to her. It was simply his personality, mixed with how deeply he loved him.

The nurses' name was Anna. Keith had decided that he would make an effort to commit her name to memory after realizing that he had no idea what it was after a week or so of talking to her.

They grew on each other after that, and finally, a mutual respect was gained that eased all of the relationships with the staff that tended to Lance and made the hospital stay a sliver less terrible and a sliver more tolerable.

Still, though, Keith was pretty helpless. When Shiro, Pidge, Allura, and Hunk weren’t there to remind Keith to eat and shower and take care of himself, Anna did. She would bring him food and force him to snap out of his stupor and into another conversation.

She never insisted that they be about Lance, but that’s usually where they ended up going. Talking about him seemed to calm Keith down and she wasn’t about to get in the way of that. She also told Keith that there was the possibility that Lance could hear them even though he was unconscious and Keith seemed to like that idea.

There were occasions after that where she would overhear whispers of a one-sided conversation he would be having with Lance, however rare they were to witness, and It broke her heart a bit each time she happened to stumble upon the interaction. Him, leaned over Lance’s bedside, fiddling with the bangs resting on his forehead, whispering about his day or his thoughts as though Lance was listening intently beside him and talking back to him about his own.

It was so uncharacteristic of him, at least, her interpretation of him. She didn’t know him well enough to make firm judgments, but throughout his time staying here she stuck to trying to understand him as best she could. Paying attention to his little, nuanced behaviors and daily tendencies.

When he wasn’t talking to or about Lance he distracted himself with physical exercise and drills. It seemed like something that was a force of habit for him, and after seeing him doing push-ups on the floor she took to getting him a yoga mat to use.

Anna, of course, knew the reason why Lance was in a coma in the first place. Or at least she had an idea. She knew that their history had largely been forged in battle and she understood from their files that both of them were victims of PTSD, though Keith, she noticed, kept this completely to himself. If Anna hadn’t known the little amount of background information that she did, she wouldn’t have guessed Keith had it at all.

She knew they had endured terrifying wars, she just didn’t know that that war had anything to do with aliens, space, and massive, magical lion spaceships.

She did know that their existence at this hospital was classified but she didn’t know why, only that whatever they did was to remain a complete secret, even with the other arias of the hospital, and she was not to speak a word about them outside of her working hours.

She had a lot of respect for the both of them, that added on to the impressions she was making of them in her head, though they both remained pretty mysterious people. They were both intelligent, strong, and skilled fighters, but one was so in love that he would never leave his partners side, and the other was described as so lighthearted and warm that she had trouble imagining him as both a soldier and as how Keith had described him.

Keith rarely ever elaborated on the war at all. If anything he avoided any talk of it. Maybe because he was specifically ordered not to, but either way, he had only given her brief glimpses with things he said like, “We were extremely competitive in training at first,” or “he always had my back in battle, even before we were together.”

These glimpses never went farther than one or two words that alluded to war, and his stories made Lance out to seem like someone who had never known war in his life, with how fun-loving and teasing he was in Keith’s descriptions.

She assumed this was also because Keith was only telling her about his best qualities for his own sake. She wasn’t getting the full story, because Keith wasn’t about to start talking about negative and more serious things that would shed Lance in the light of the soldier that he is. Keith really appreciated Anna and jokingly considered her to be his nurse as much as she was Lance’s, and honestly, she couldn’t argue.

On her days off though, or when she was done working for the day, Keith got to know the other nurses too. Shelly, the night nurse who was plump and far too friendly for the time of the night he usually saw her. Ben, a nurse that worked on Anna’s days off, and a bunch of others that popped in from time to time when they were needed.

Shiro was over more often than not, there to translate the near unreadable behaviors that belonged to Keith for the nurses with a charm and extroversion that Keith had no ability to display. But Shiro mainly came to be there for Lance and Keith. Pidge, Allura, and Hunk came to visit at least four times a week as well, Hunk always bringing Keith a near week's worth of food, terrified that he would go starving while cooped up in the hospital.

The visits were far more sullen than any of them would have liked them to be. Even though Lance was right there in his bed, nobody could ignore how palpable his absence was.

Pidge was particularly closed off whenever she came, and Keith was sure it was because she simply couldn’t stand it. She hated having to see Lance like this and go to a hospital in the first place. But she went anyways because it was Lance. Her family, Her friend... her brother. She went because she knew that Lance would be there every second of every day if it had been any of them. She came because as much as she hated seeing him so lifeless, and so unlike Lance, she also couldn’t bear to not see him at all.

In all, Keith was surrounded by support, and could never take it for granted. He was happy that there were people who cared and happy to have people that supported him, but not having Lance... it was crippling.

It was on nights like these when it was the worst, in the darkness, only the sound of the heart monitor beeping softly and his own breathing occupying the room, Shelly probably shuffling around somewhere else in the hospital, nowhere near Lance’s room. It was on nights like these when he couldn’t handle it.

Some nights, well, most nights, when sleep was an impossible idea and never a reality, and his heart started to pound at the intrusive thoughts that began to scream in his head to fill the silence, the only thing he could help to do was crawl into Lance’s bed, careful not to disturb any of the equipment he was hooked up to, and cuddle up close to him, resting his head in the crook of his neck with a hand on his chest to feel the subtle thump of his heart beneath it.

All he could do to calm his panic was to bury himself in his scent and soak up the warmth he radiated even in comatose. To study every little detail of Lance’s face as he slept and memorize it. The blank look he held that also looked peaceful and calm. The way his lips rested slightly parted. It was nights like these when he would be on the verge of tears, holding Lance’s face in his hands and running them through his hair as he gave him gentle kisses that he hoped Lance could feel, just like how Anna said that he might be able to hear. He would whisper to him how much he loved him, unable to let his usual pessimism tell him that there was a chance he couldn’t hear it.

Being with Lance like this... It felt normal and familiar, and real. Words he wouldn’t associate with his hospital stay thus far at all.

When he was pressed up against Lance, in the comfort of embrace and the familiarity of his body, he could sleep, pretending that it was all a dream of which he was woken up from in the arms of his lover.

 

***Pre-Accident: Week 1, Day 1***

 

“No, I’m sure!” Hunk said, with a dramatic slam of his hand against the table. “That’s all it takes is to reconstruct this hardware, make some new wiring here, and we can totally make this happen. It doesn’t have to be so complicated.”

“I don’t know Hunk…” Pidge said, her eyebrows knitted in concentration. “Altean technology is just… too complex to be compatible with earth technology. Especially something this old…”

“Do you want to play this game or not, dude.” Hunk replied with a frown.

“I do!” Pidge said defensively. “I just don’t think the solution is that simple. It could ruin the counsel I made if we screw up.”

“Hey, yeah, I get it, I know, but if we just-”

Suddenly, the doors to the lounge separated and to both of their surprises, Keith walked in looking intently down at a tablet seemingly fresh off the Blade of Marmora battlefield with tousled hair, tired looking eyes, exhaustion plain on his face, and the dark blades armor clinging tightly to his worn-out body.

“Keith!” Hunk said happily. Hey, buddy welcome back! Keith looked up, a little startled as Hunk was running over to squeeze him in a crushing hug.

“Oh…” Keith stammered, “Hi Hunk. Just got in.”

If his body didn’t convey enough exhaustion, his voice did. It was rough and deep, sounding as though he could have been screaming earlier, which, for all they knew, was very possible.

Pidge walked over next to Hunk, giving Keith a little nod and a smile. “What are you doing here? How long are you staying for?” She asked.

“The night,” Keith replied. “I have to leave early. I’m just here for a meeting with the blade. We have to be gone soon after.” Pidge and Hunk frowned a bit at that.

Keith was never in the castle for more than a night anymore, and to Pidge and Hunk it seemed as though there was more to it than a busy schedule, but bringing that up to Keith would most definitely end badly.

"Look, I’ve got a mission tomorrow that I need to be ready for. You all should be training too. If you need me, you know where to find me." Keith said, his patience seeming to be thin and looking for a quick way out of this dialogue.

He walked past them, not offering a smile, not waving goodbye, just averting his eyes and rushing forwards, as though he couldn’t get out of the room quick enough. Keith sighed as soon as he knew the two paladins were out of earshot and slowed his pacing. Things recently had been.... rough for him. It was less than two days ago that Keith was certain he would die, and was perfectly ok with it, and now fucking Lotor was on this ship and he just... he didn’t know how to deal with it all.

It was one of a list of reasons why he wanted to be off of this ship as soon as possible. Another reason being Pidge’s brother, who granted he was happy was alive and with them, contributing a lot to the mission and helping Pidge, but there was a particular conversation he was in no interest to have.

With that thought surfacing in his head he picked up his pace again to make it to the training deck faster and avoid any unfortunate run-ins in the hall.

To his delight, he was able to train for multiple hours uninterrupted. The adrenaline pumping through him making him numb, his only thoughts focused on chasing the satisfaction that came from cleanly finishing off drone after drone. Working up a sweat that made his entire body ache and tingle.

It was a feeling that Keith had grown to love. It eased him. It took his mind off of his fears and problems. Before Voltron, if he ever started to think about his elusive mother who abandoned him? He went straight to the gym and beat the living hell out of a bag. If he ever got to thinking about his dead father who left him as an orphan at the age of 6? He would run for miles until he lost track of where he was. When his only friend and brother figure was said to be dead in space after leaving him alone on earth? He would work day and night on fixing his old hoverbike and doing other greasy, hard maintenance to exhaust his mind and sidetrack his brain. And now, his emotional frustrations have another great outlet on the training deck that he was more than happy to take advantage of. That’s what he had always done. That’s how he had always coped with anything.

The last drone of the round fizzled and sparked at the end of Keith’s blade where he had impaled it. He stepped on the robot's chest to un-wedge it from its place of impact and retracted it back into a knife. That, he supposed, was enough for now.

But immediately after he had left the deck, sweaty and sore, he regretted it because no sooner than the doors had closed behind him, his name was called from somewhere down the hall. “Keith! Hey! Wait up!”

The voice he was beginning to recognize came from Matt, who had just recently taken residence in the castle after what had to have been a very exciting day of reunions. Of course, Keith hadn’t been there, so he hadn’t yet gotten to know the mysterious older brother that Pidge was so determined to find for so long.

Turning, he looked over his shoulder to see him running up to his side with a friendly smile. Keith did his best to try and return it but was sure as soon as it happened that it looked as fake as it felt. “Hey, Matt. Good to see you,” he said tiredly.

“You too, Keith! You staying here for long or are you leaving again soon?” “Leaving,” Keith replied. “I’m just here for the night.”

Matt nodded following next to Keith as he continued to walk down the hall. “Oh shit, well, in that case, I better say this now, rather than miss the chance altogether.” “Say what?” Keith asked. Mentally knowing and dreading what his response would be. “Well, it’s-I just wanted to delay it if I could but considering you need to leave I should say it now. I’m just sorry I have to abruptly spring this on you, it wasn’t my intention.” “Matt.” Keith prodded a little less patiently. “What is it?”

“I uh…” Matt began. “Well, I was hoping to talk to you.. about Naxcella.”

Keith immediately bristled at the word. “There’s nothing to talk about Matt,” Keith said quickly, trying to shoot him down. Before he had the chance to continue.

“Hear me out, Keith, come on. I just never got the chance to check on you. See if you’re ok…” “I’m fine,” Keith said shortly.

“Keith, you were going to die… Surely you understand why I want to see how you are, make sure you’re good. Tell you that you’re life matters. I know that everyone here wants that too, but I’m the only one who knows really what happened. I kind of feel it’s my responsibility to be there for you if-”

“You have absolutely no responsibility when it comes to me.” Keith cut in. “Keith…” Matt said with a look of concern.

“Look, Matt, I appreciate the sentiment, really, but Lotor being there was luck. Nearly the entire rebellion would have been wiped out. In the grand scheme of things, my life is not worth losing that. Nothing is. It was the only logical thing to do. It made sense.”

“But Keith-”

“Allura was right when she said the Blades had lasted this long without me.” Keith continued, cutting Matt off. “So my loss wouldn’t have compromised them. Voltron has five great paladins. Bottom line Matt, I wasn’t needed. It was everything I could do! It’s not always victory or death... Sometimes victory comes at the cost of death. I wasn’t going to hesitate knowing my one life could safe literally countless others, so I don’t need your empathy!”

Matt let his lips fall together in a worried line. “Well yes…” He said softly, finding it very difficult to argue with Keith about this. Any way he framed it would be best out by Keith’s cold hard logic and come across as stupid, and selfish, and wrong.

“I guess that I don’t want to accept that.” Matt elaborated. “There had to be another way.., that’s just how I think. Maybe it’s that hopeless optimism that’s gonna get me killed. I don’t know, maybe by even suggesting it I come off as a selfish, illogical, idealist, but your loss would have hurt the rebellion. Whether you believe it or not. You aren’t as expendable as you make yourself out to be Keith…” “I disagree,” Keith said finally. “You would have moved on eventually. Hell if I was really that important I could have become a martyr.”

“Keith, liste-” Matt tried, but Keith cut him off again.

“Look, I’m alive so the good thing is that we no longer have to think about it.” He said simply. Matt sighed, exasperated.

There was no changing his mind. No talking to him at all. Keith was aware of this. It’s exactly what he had intended. But Matt was nothing if not determined, trying again to make any dent in his shields one last time.

“I don’t know you all that well yet Keith.” He began. “When I got here, you were making your preparations to leave. But Katie... Katie I know. Based on her actions... how she describes you... the way she is around you... you are as much a brother to her in her mind as I am. She admires you, Keith. Whether or not you’re aware, if she had lost you, it could have been equally as detrimental as her losing me.”

“You, Shiro, Hunk, Lance, and Allura and Coran. You’ve become incredibly important to her. Maybe she would have moved on after a given amount of years, maybe she would find some kind of peace, but that scar would never go away. She would never truly heal. None of us would. What I’m trying to say is that you shouldn't keep flinging yourself into stars, Keith. Because you’ve got a family now too.”

With that, a silence fell between them that seemed to stretch on for forever, or at least far longer than Keith would have preferred it to, but Keith had nothing to say.

After a while of nothing being spoken Matt sighed." Look, I’m beat." He said sadly, "so I’m going to get some rest. I’ll be in my quarters.” Matt walked past him and down a hall to their left, leaving Keith alone, his words stirring threateningly in his head.

Keith allowed himself to sigh. Let his guard down a bit as he slouched with exhaustion instead of standing up with at attention with his back perfectly straight.

He couldn’t keep thinking like this. It would get him nowhere. What he needed to do really, was prepare for his mission, so with that, Keith turned on his heel he headed for the door to the kitchens that he and Matt had stopped in front of on the way down the hall. But when the doors opened, he suddenly was peering directly into large blue eyes. Lance.

Keith didn’t want to see this. He knew as soon as their eyes met that this was not good. Possibly the last thing he wanted, because Lance looked... terrified. He looked almost sad. As though Keith had actually died rather than almost died.

Of course, Keith could have tried to ignore it. Pass it off as something out of context, but Keith had put the pieces together too quickly. Lance had to have been standing there in the kitchens, behind the door for a while now, and he probably had overheard everything, his hurt expression most definitely a result.

Heat rushed to Keith’s face in embarrassment? Guilt? Self-consciousness? He didn’t know, but he ducked away and stormed down the hall before either of them could determine it.

And Lance let him go. He didn’t call after him he didn’t run to stop him.. he just let him go without another word. That at least didn’t surprise Keith. Lance was genuinely the person he expected to be least affected by that information, but with how devastated he had just appeared to be… he was honestly not really sure of anything.

Anything besides knowing that under no circumstances did he want to open himself up to more vulnerability. A hodgepodge family of soldiers in a war that was sure to go out in the most devastating way possible was possibly the worst idea ever. You were basically setting yourself up for pain.

That was perhaps the greatest reason he had left. He was getting too close, and he didn’t want to get hurt. He was feeling for these people more than he had felt for everyone in his life, all accept Shiro maybe, but he got close to Shiro before they all were thrust into an intergalactic war.

He left so that none of this would happen, before realizing too late that it already had. He cared. Deeply.

And just like that, the exhaustion seemed to dissipate from Keith’s body and he was trudging right back the way he came. He barked out orders to the computer, setting up the difficulty level to be twice as hard from what it was when he left, and jumped right back into the fight, pushing himself harder than he probably should.

Keith stabbed his blade through another oncoming droid viciously, watching it die out and collapse.

He’d destroyed more droids than he could count with a terrifying vigor that even scared him. He was desperate to be distracted. Desperate to not let the image of Lance’s broken face when the doors opened cloud his focus. Desperate to forget that the past half hour had happened at all, even if it was just momentarily. Keith split a droid in half with an angry swipe of his blade. He felt that he had to do anything he could to keep the pain he saw in his eyes from the forefront of his brain.

Lance had probably become the worst of his problems and having to admit that fact to himself had not been easy at all.

Lance was obnoxious

Irritating

Loud

Dramatic

Egotistical

Keith thought of each adjective with another blow to another droid.

Lance was the last person in the universe Keith imagined himself falling for, but here he was, angrily chopping up metal in a futile attempt not think of him for one second of his god damn life. Keith still wasn’t exactly sure how it had happened. At first, he was annoyed. He had never hated him. He had never felt strongly towards him at all. His teasing pushed his buttons and swept them into this back and forth that somehow managed to get Keith to lose his cool far more frequently than ever before.

Then somewhere along the way that resent transformed into desperation, Keith wanting nothing more than to have Lance’s smiles and warmth and joy that he gave to everyone else be directed towards him.

The more time he spent with Lance, the more he realized how wonderful he actually was. He was personable and kind and encouraging... he was everything Keith wasn’t, and to Keith’s devastation, he was beautiful too. The honey tan of his perfect skin and the fluffy shagginess of his brown hair, mixed with those unexpected and dazzlingly blue eyes... there wasn’t much he could do to keep himself from staring creepily at him whenever they were in the same room. It was a nightmare.

Keith didn’t have the slightest clue as to why Lance was so hell-bent on challenging him and one-upping him and making fun of his hair, but his redeemable qualities for some inexplicable reason completely overrides his irritation most all of the time.

There weren’t enough ways he could say it. This. Was. Not. Good.

For one thing, Lance was helplessly straight, crushing the slivers of hope he allowed himself on rare occasions when Lance wasn’t being a complete dick to him. But then he would flirt tirelessly with Allura and go right back to chiding and mocking Keith like their little bonding moments had never happened.

It irritated him to no end in the worst, most crushing way. Maybe Lance was never going to see him in the same way, but reaching a place of mutual respect and friendship where they could both be kind to each other and not be engaged in a mini-war of their own all the time was a hope that constantly got stomped on too.

When Lance had gotten hurt after the castle bombing, and Lance had shown him genuine trust and appreciation, Keith nearly went out of his mind having to wait for him to wake up. Maybe this was it? He had thought. Maybe, finally, after this, he and Lance could become acquaintances? Friends??

It wasn’t until he woke up and the second sentence to leave his mouth was a silly little flirt at Allura, that he regretted ever allowing himself to be hopeful. And then, as if it wasn’t agonizing enough, he then proceeded to completely “forget” than anything had happened between Keith and him.

To say the least, that was a devastating day for the training droids as well. Keith had grown far too fond of the blue paladin, making Keith act in ways, and feel certain things he never thought he even had the capacity for.

Lance destroyed his logic, crushed his indifference, and opened him up to extremely unwelcome emotions.

So he left, feeling too vulnerable, overwhelmed, and weak. He felt, most broadly, too inadequate.

So it really made him mad when despite him knowing without a doubt that he was right, and his actions at Naxella were totally justified, that he still on some level deep down, understood what Matt had said.

Keith had never seen a look so hurt and confused on Lance’s face. And if Lance of all people could look so devastated after hearing what really happened at the Galra cruiser, he couldn’t imagine how the others would react.

After everything that had happened though, Keith knew one thing for certain. For Shiro, for Pidge for Hunk for Allura for Coran, and especially for Lance, Love was absolutely out of the question.


	2. Care For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally thought I was going to post this the same day I posted chapter 1, however I am still an incurable nitpick so that didn’t happen. But I now have this new surge or energy and inspiration after the small bit of feedback I got from chapter 1 and was so excited, I wrote more than I have all month! Thank you all for reading, it’s super exciting to know that some of you enjoyed it enough to want to come back! I made some grammar and spelling corrections in chapter 1 and have a whole bunch of heartbreak in new chapters on its way to you soon! Enjoy!

***Post-Accident, Week 5, Day 2***

 

“I don’t know…” Anna’s voice wavered into Keith’s barely conscious mind. “He was there when I came in this morning. He wasn’t disturbing anything, though, and I didn’t have the heart to separate them…”

“It’s not the first time.” Shiro’s voice then spoke. “He usually is up pretty early to go back to his chair. That’s probably why you’d never seen it before. It’s technically not allowed, right?”

“Technically.” Anna replied, “but he’s not doing any harm and Lance has been pretty stable…”

There was a brief pause before Shiro said, “I’m sure he appreciates that, Anna. Thank you for being so understanding.”

Shiro looked at the two, Keith curled up into Lance’s side, face tucked into his shoulder and arms wrapped around a completely still and unmoving Lance, who looked to be in the exact same position he had been the day before.

The image killed him. Making his heartache in his chest. He wasn’t ever used to Keith being so openly emotional and physical, ever. And the two had been together for years. Keith kept things like cuddling Lance, and other such intimacy very private and he always blushed furiously when Lance was Lance, and did not. He showed his affection of course, but never like this. It was strange seeing Lance be so nonreciprocal and Keith so open, like the roles had suddenly reversed.

Shiro turned back to keep talking to Anna, but their voices began to drone together after that, a sign that Keith was falling back into a heavier sleep. His drowsy mind passed the conversation he had heard off as a dream, and he made no effort to wake up until Shiro’s voice woke him up again in what felt like hours later, fully calling him back to dreadful reality.

“Keith?” He said softly. “Keiiiith…”

Keith stirred and blinked feeling Shiro’s hand gently shake him on the shoulder.

He turned away from Lance’s warm neck to squint up at him and his eyes fell upon Shiro’s sorrowful face.

“Hey, buddy.” He whispered. “Sorry but you gotta get up. Anna has to take labs.”

It took a few moments of rising back to full consciousness before he could comprehend what exactly that meant. Observing the room around him he realized that it was broad daylight, and he was still in Lance’s bed. Near the doorway, he saw Anna with the lab tray, and a soft smile on her lips when their eyes met.

Keith, his voice gravelly and deep from sleep sat up and nodded, saying, “yeah, yeah, of course,” stretching and rubbing his eyes as he shuffled out of Lance’s bed to stand next to Shiro, who gave him a concerned sideways glance that Keith pretended he didn’t notice. He also ignored the stinging cold of his skin where he had been pressed up against Lance, in no mood to have the palpable reminder of Lance’s warmth making things worse for him.

Anna moved in then, taking Lance’s limp arm in her hands and adjusting it on the bed.

Drawing blood, Anna had explained to him the first time she had done it, allowed for the doctors to better understand Lance’s condition, as they were unable to ask him how he was feeling. They measured his vitamin levels and other things that told them that he was being properly nourished. They wanted to keep all his levels as normal as possible so nothing unexpected would have a chance of happening.

It wasn’t something he would have ever thought he would think of as rudimentary, as on earth it was simply how things were done, but now, watching as the nurse looked for a vein, he wanted nothing more than to stick Lance into a healing pod and leave him there until he was as good as new.

Keith stood watching, his arms crossed tightly over his chest, and Shiro, bless him, spoke up and started up some idle conversation with Anna to fill the silence. Keith considered participating but chose to keep his steely resolve and pursed lips instead.

Shiro was asking her about where she had gone to school, and other unimportant nonsense like that as she worked all while Keith retreated further into his head, eyes stuck on Lance’s face, as though he expected him to suddenly move and wake up. Fantasizing about the moment he would wake up and when had apparently become Keith’s favorite pastime. That, and observing Lance’s face in great detail. It ended up coming in handy during labs because he figured out very quickly that looking at Lance’s blood was not something he was able to handle yet. Not after everything that had happened.

He was only brought back out of his head when Shiro nudged him softly in the side. Apparently, Keith had missed something because both Shiro and Anna were smiling, and staring at him expectantly.

“What?” He asked.

Shiro chuckled.” I was telling Anna that you are considered the best pilot of your generation.” He smiled.

“Oh…” Keith said completely unsure of how the conversation had moved from Anna’s schooling to his piloting. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I’d say he’s being humble, but he actually thinks that little of how skilled he is.” Shiro chuckled.

“More skilled than yourself?” Anna asked.

“Yeah, probably.” Shiro said at the exact same time Keith said “No.”

“So was Lance a pilot too then?” Anna asked chuckling at Keith's outraged expression at Shiro’s reply.

“We all are,” Shiro responded, but we all have individual specialties too. “Piloting was a standard requirement for our entire squad.” The slightly altered story fell effortlessly from his lips and Keith wondered if he had practiced getting the fake story as straight as it seemed to be.

Anna did not ask how a pilot managed to have a stab wound through the chest that resulted in a damaging amount of blood loss that could have been enough to kill him on his own, a possibly very severe concussion, 3d degree burns, multiple broken ribs, and a whole other plethora of injuries, both internal and external. That would be overstepping her boundaries. And Part of her really didn’t want to know.

But with the scar across Shiro’s face, metal arm, and the soldier-like disposition all of Lance's visitors seemed to have, she thought it safe to assume that none of them were just pilots or even normal soldiers.

She bandaged off Lance when she was done and put his arm back in the place it had been before.

“Ok.” She smiled. “That’s it for me. I’ll let you guys be for now.”

“Thanks, Anna,” Shiro said, returning the smile and Keith nodded, which, for him, was really sticking his neck out.

Shutting the door behind her, Keith and Shiro were left standing alone together at the foot of Lance’s bed.

Keith knew Shiro was staring at him. He didn’t try to acknowledge him or look back, really wanting to just not talk at all and part ways without any further preamble, but Keith was positive that Shiro had no capability of doing so.

“I’m not going to try and comfort you, or tell you that I understand how hard this is…” he said after a long pause, “because I know you well enough to know that won’t do anything for you. But I will tell you that you need to start accepting this.”

Keith shot his gaze to meet Shiro who was already staring at him calculatingly. Keith genuinely looked distressed and hurt to hear that from Shiro and it made him feel terrible, but it still needed to be said. “There’s nothing you can do about this now Keith. Shiro continued. You’ll fall apart if you keep this up, and I’m not going to stand here and watch.”

“So then what do I do Shiro?! I am literally helpless. I can’t do anything for him but be here.”

“I suggest you start by getting out of this room.” He replied. “Have you even left since he was admitted?”

“No! Did you not hear what I just said? All I can do for him is to be with him! Why would I leave?”

Shiro sighed. “Because you really need to take care of yourself too, Keith. If Lance could, I’m sure he would be pushing you out the door himself. You look like a mess, Keith. Have you seen a mirror in the past few months? Or a hairbrush? Or a razor?”

“I-“ Keith tried to reply but Shiro cut right back in.

“You know what? Nope! I’m not going to do this. I’m not even going to listen. Get yourself looking somewhat presentable, or you’re going out looking like a hobo.”

“Going out?” Keith questioned, looking physically appalled.

“Yes, on Friday’s we all go over to Hunk’s apartment and he makes food for us. It’s just me, Pidge, and Allura usually. And it’s the one times we’re all allowed to spend prolonged personal time together outside of this hospital. I had to basically beg them for it, so take advantage of my hard work, ok? Wait no, actually you don’t have a choice, you’re coming.”

“Shiro-“

“Nope.”

“Shiro I ca-“

“Not listening.”

“Oh for fuck's sake Shiro!”

Shiro cracked a grin looking at Keith’s angry scowl and chuckled. “Seriously, Keith, it will be good for you. And Lance. Lance is ok. Anna will look after him for you while you’re gone and you trust her, right? Not to mention that everyone will be thrilled to see you. You get some spectacular food fresh of the stove courtesy of Hunk. And alcohol! You can’t have alcohol in this hospital, now can you?”

Keith sighed again. “It doesn’t matter. I need to be here.”

“I have Anna’s number and the number to this part of the hospital. I’ve also given the staff that works for Lance both of our numbers so they can call you if there is anything wrong. And Anna agreed to answer our calls if you feel the need to check on him or she will call us herself if she feels it’s at all necessary.”

Lance is in perfectly good hands here Keith. Then we can go to the apartment you never use and get you some new clothing and things to bring back. Maybe you’ll actually start to get to a point where you can sleep in a bed and commute here. Take advantage of the apartment. We all were actually given very nice places. The Garrison aren’t total assholes after all. It’s nothing you have to rush into but it would be really good for you I think.”

“For now though let’s just work on dinner,” Shiro said placing a gentle hand on Keith’s shoulder. “That’s as far as I’ll make you go right now. Dinner and then right back here”.

“Keith sighed, defeated. As long as we come right back. And I won’t spend more than three hours there.”

“Good. That’s great to hear. Everyone will be so happy to see you. Get some time in with Lance right now, and clean yourself up. I’ll be back in a bit to come pick you up, ok?"

Keith didn’t respond, just walked over to the chair positioned by Lance’s bed, and sat down. Shiro got the signal and left.

As soon as he was gone, and the door to Lance’s room was closed he tilted his head back and groaned. Instead of an amused chuckle or playful roll of Lance’s eyes that should’ve occupied the moments that followed, there was just silence. Keith was left to sit alone with his thoughts, the unconscious Lance beside him doing nothing but making it all the more painful.

Frustrated, and finally unable to take it anymore, Keith stood up sharply and stalked off to the bathroom. Not at all because of what Shiro had said of course...

It was small, and the showers were a bit exposed and too uncontained for Keith’s taste as it was basically a shower head spraying into a different style tiled floor, but hospitals usually were like that. No complicated or dangerous ledges and doors to divide things when some patients could barely walk as it is, let alone lift themselves into a slippery box.

But Keith, after many a shower in this bathroom, had still not gotten used to it. All this time and he really hadn’t gotten used to anything. Before the battle, everything had almost begun to reach a blissful state or normalcy. He and Lance were able to be domestic and happy a lot more often than either of them had initially thought would be possible. They could simply just be together, no complications, or so to speak. Not in comparison to the other usual which was more battling than downtime and more stress than calm.

It was in those rare moments before the battle where things had, for the first time, been able to follow a routine. Lance had rarely let him take showers alone anymore, jumping to catch him whenever he could so he could join in. And Keith had gotten used to it, half expecting Lance to just let himself in at some point if he was ever in the shower alone. He would even take a bit longer sometimes if Lance was running behind to let him catch up. Now, in a way, he still expected it deep in the back of his mind. He had grown so accustomed to it that the space felt too big, and he felt cold despite the burning heat of the water. Keith hated every bit of it.

He cleaned himself thoroughly, only realizing once the water had soaked him completely how dirty he felt. How far he had let himself go. How ready he was to have himself feeling somewhat like his normal self again. Shiro was right, as usual. He needed to get out of this mental state. He needed to fix himself if he was going to be a good enough help for Lance.

Toweling off after finishing his shower, he went to the sink and gave himself a long, hard look in the mirror, cringing slightly at the bags under his eyes, the wet mess of hair around and his head and the dirty looking stubble that was way out of control. He shaved it all off, brushed his hair a bit, and changed into some clean clothes and it actually did feel pretty good.

Finally looking halfway decent, he could practically hear Lance in his ear chastising him for not taking care of himself, and how terribly he treated his skin. And the compliments he would give him too. Like “look who’s back, it’s Mr. Handsome” or some other incredibly cheesy thing that regrettably made Keith’s heart melt.

With all the memories played me out in his head in this bathroom, away from the reality that was Lance, he almost didn’t want to step back out and face it.

The room was so quiet and sad. It didn’t feel right any time a room was both quiet and had Lance in it. It was unsettling, so Keith roamed around the room, frustrated he couldn’t start a work out with having to be somewhere soon and being freshly clean. So he organized, arranging the flowers everyone had brought for Lance on the table, tidying up his space, throwing out random granola wrappers and folding the blankets he had been sleeping under in his chair. He hadn’t had much to begin with coming here, just a few changes of clothes and belongings that could all fit into a drawstring bag without issue.

He passed the time doing menial mind-numbing things until Shiro reappeared at the entrance of Lance's room. A smile stretched across his face, genuinely happy to see what he was seeing.

“Wow, it looks great in here! And you look much better! I should have forced you to leave sooner!”

Anna appeared behind him and smiled too. “Yeah, I think this is the first time I’ve seen you look like your normal self! Very refreshing.” Keith rubbed his neck uncomfortably and sighed. “You both were right… it’s was time... you know… to get back up and on my own feet.”

“Don’t be afraid to take all the time you need Keith, Grief is a hard thing, but yes, this will be good for you. And don’t worry, I’ll have you on speed dial the whole time you're gone. I’ve even extended my shift today to stay with him until you’re back.” Keith’s eyes widened, “No I could never ask that of-”

“Nonsense,” she replied cutting him off. “He’s my patient. And I know the only way you’ll start healing is if you can spend time away without anxiety. If it takes my being with Lance to allow for that, I’m more than happy to stay.”

“... Anna thank you so much. This really means-” Keith stammered, taken aback at her generosity.

“Think nothing of it. Go have some much-needed fun.” She replied.

Shiro smiled at her and thanked her as well.

“Ready?” He asked.

Keith turned back to Lance, to give one last glance, leaned down and kissed his forehead softly, brushing back his bangs, and sighed. “Yeah, let’s go.” He said and followed Shiro out.

 

***Pre-Accident, Week 1, Day 1***

 

Why Keith was up so late, he didn’t have a really good answer for. If he was honest, he just felt numb. Not bad, not good... he felt no intense emotion and he didn’t have an explanation for that either. Not one he could figure out anyway.

Keith laid, painfully awake in his bed, thumbing the handle of his blade absently until he felt he would go stir crazy if he stayed still any longer. With a sigh, he sat up and found himself walking towards the door. It felt like his feet were moving on their own, taking him to an unknown location without his permission, but he made no attempt to go back, letting himself wander.

The halls of the castle were different at night. Not necessarily in how it looked, but more in how it felt. The usual quiet hum was made eerie with the dim of the lights. It was a huge castle, relatively barren anywhere far from the resident halls and center of the ship which was where the control room and everything essential was. It was built to house hundreds of people and there were barely more than 10 people who stayed here for prolonged amounts of time. So really, empty halls and quiet darkness weren’t at all out of the ordinary as they were in space and didn’t have many people on board. The only physical difference would probably be the dimming of the lights. Pidge had set up some kind of sleep/ wake cycle for the ship that ran at about what it was on earth so that they could maintain some semblance of normalcy.

But still, when the castle was asleep, Keith could, for some reason, still sense a difference in atmospheres. A quiet that was different from the usual quiet. Maybe it was all in his head, but Keith couldn’t help feeling less at ease walking around at “night.”

So it was then that he found himself approaching the observation deck. A room of domed glass stretching up to the ceiling. It had been and remained one of his favorite rooms in the castle.

He was well accustomed to vast, open expanses surrounding him. He liked the space that space gave him. He felt comforted, strangely, by the isolation. With so much happening every day, and the often claustrophobic situations he was getting himself into both physically and emotionally, he appreciated the openness this window allowed him to peer into without consequence. He was thankful for the peace it gave him.

He walked up to the glass, and finally let himself give in to his inner turmoil slightly by letting himself slouch down a bit and openly sigh. He watched the stars glimmer and shed the slightest bit of light into the rest of the darkened room. It was beautiful, and yet it was so dangerous. So threatening. He had been out amongst those stars hundreds of times by now and it wasn’t calm. It wasn’t peaceful, it was war and death and devastation.

That thought alone made Keith straighten up a bit and regain the rigidness he had wound tightly around his body. It reminded him why it was there to begin with. Why he was as serious as he was. It was because this was war and war-

“Matt’s right, you know” a voice suddenly sounded, interrupting his thoughts and literally making him jump at its abruptness. He shot his head in the direction of the sound and blanched, completely faltering when he saw Lance highlighted by the glow of the stars, sitting, legs drawn into his chest in front of the couch.

“L-Lance?! What are you-" but his words fell short as Lance brought himself to his feet. 

“What I can’t seem to work out is how the hell you thought you were expendable enough to do that without hesitation.”

Keith bristled, anger boiled into his chest.

“Well, you stood there eavesdropping the entire time so you should know damn well why.” He spat defensively, angered by the fact that everyone was chastising him for his actions.

“Oh no, I completely agree with everything you said. You made the smartest choice. It was the only way. You’re right.”

“Then what’s the issue?!” Keith asked, beyond irritated.

“It should have been a harder choice.” Lance replied. “Because it’s your life. That’s why Matt’s right too. And I can’t figure out why you had such little inhibition. I thought you understood, you know, that we’re a team? I thought you got that at least enough to value yourself a bit more than you seem to. It’s not about the decision you made, because it was the right one. It’s about the concerning reasons why you made it. You made it for the wrong reasons.”

“Oh really?" Keith asked? “What the hell do you even know about me, Lance?! You certainly don’t know enough to make that accusation about me. And most importantly, why do you fucking care?! Of all people-”

“Of all people what?! Lance snapped back, cutting him off, a fire lighting in his eyes. Of all people, I shouldn’t be the one giving this much of a shit?! Is that what you’re going to say?! Is that honestly what you think of me?!? Are you fucking kidding me, Keith?!”

“I may be an ass and I may be annoying and dimwitted and shit but I’m not fucking heartless! Really, after everything, you think I hate you so much that I wouldn’t care if you died?!? Talk about not knowing anything about someone! I knew you didn’t like me but I didn’t know you thought that little of me! But I get it! To you, I’m just some self-absorbed idiot who is so concerned with pointless things and hatred for you that I don’t even have the capacity to care for someone!”

Keith’s heart fell, his face falling as he quickly tried to backtrack from where he had unintentionally led this conversation.

“No, Lance, that’s not what I-”

“I don’t give a fuck what you meant Keith! Lance screamed. I don’t give a single fuck!! Maybe it’s about time! The only reason I’m so wrecked right now is because I DID give a fuck, but look where that’s got me! I’m just an asshole with a cold dead heart and no concern for others. Crazy. I never knew we were so alike.”

Suddenly The door opened and a very alarmed looking Shiro stepped through.

“Keith, Lance what is going on?!” He questioned loudly.

Keith stared angrily at the ground. “It’s nothing Shiro, Lance is just overreacting. As usual.”

“Oh, now my concern for your life is an overreaction?!" Lance laughed humorously. God! Honestly just fucking go to hell Keith!”

Shiro's eyes shot open and he looked at Keith even more intensely. “Concern for your life?!”

"I said It's nothing, Shiro! keith bit out quickly.

“You know what, I think I’ve had enough of caring for today.” Lance interjected again, practically seething. “I was just leaving anyway, so have fun hashing this out you two.” He shot one last deathly cold glare in Keith’s direction before stomping away angrily, muttering an apology to Shiro for the noise as he passed.

Shiro’s gaze didn't leave Keith’s though as Lance left, and suddenly, he didn’t look angry anymore. He looked worried. He looked just like Lance had earlier that night in the kitchens.

And Lance, he was already taking off down the hall. His feet then made a choice for him before his brain could agree, and suddenly, he was moving past Shiro to rush down the hall after him.

Lance, wait, listen, I'm sorry!

Lance, who was picking up his pace in front of him only flipped him off in response, waving his finger over his head. He turned a corner and before Keith could reach him, he was stepping through the door of his room.

It snapped shut right as Keith reached the premises, locking closed with an angry click.


	3. Truth Be Told

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so inspired!!! The little bit of feedback that is steadily coming in makes my day every time I see it! Also, like last time I made correctional edits to the last chapter because my only beta reader is Grammarly and therefore it might take me a tad longer to notice mistakes but I promise I'll go back each time to fix them. I've just been so excited to post new chapters that I've missed some small things. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this next chapter and please keep the feedback coming! If you have suggestions or ideas or comments or anything at all let me know! If you want to talk directly you can find me on Tumblr @theinnernerd. Dig around a bit and you may find some of my own fan art there too! I'm MUCH slower at drawing than I am at writing, but it exists so feel free to check it out! I may or may not make art for this fic too, only time will tell. Enjoy!

***Post-Accident: Week 5, Day 2***

 

It had really been an incredible amount of time since Keith had left the hospital, let alone Lance’s room, that he had almost let himself forget that life was still going on. Life on earth was continuing as usual, and it was a little strange to be swept back into it again, it having been so long since they had left all those years ago. 

Cars zoomed past them on the streets, music played softly from the car speakers, birds sat on high wires, buildings for businesses and shops dotted the horizon, and a view of the sun starting to set through the windshield was tinting everything in a thin coat of orange. 

Neither of them had said much for the car ride over and Keith could tell Shiro was still treading cautiously, trying to keep things as normal and as positive as he could. Keith attempted to thank him for it by trying to act normally and positively too so he didn’t feel like his efforts went to waste. Shiro was really trying and that, even if what he was being roped into wasn’t what he had wanted, was a very generous and well-intentioned effort that he should be thankful for. 

“We’re here.” He announced after a rather lengthy stretch of silence. “Help me carry in the drinks?”

Keith looked up at the apartment complex that towered over the parking lot they had driven into. It looked relatively new with a sleek industrial exterior and at least 30 floors of apartment space. Not bad… for something that the Garrison set up. 

He followed Shiro out of the car and got what they needed from the trunk before going inside and riding the elevator to the 16th floor where Shiro knew Hunk's apartment to be. 

Keith was oddly nervous. And now it was for more reasons than leaving Lance alone. For some reason, seeing everyone in the hospital didn’t hold as much weight as seeing them all in Hunk’s apartment. Shiro knocked and they waited while they heard muffled noises through the door. A rumble of something, footsteps, and Hunk’s voice yelling: “just a minute!”

Warmth immediately enveloped them as soon as the door was opened. Heavenly smells wafted into the air around him mixed with the blindingly bright grin Hunk dawned as soon as he saw them. It made Keith’s insides feel like mush, his chest aching for reasons he couldn’t exactly place. 

“Keith!” He bellowed cheerily. “Oh my god man! You’re out and about! Holy shit I’m so glad to see you!” He said pulling him into a giant bear hug. 

Keith tried to smile as they pulled away, Hunk’s friendliness, as always, making him feel a tad too warm. Thanks, Hunk. He said softly. “I’m glad to see you too. This place is actually kinda nice...? Wow.” Keith said, genuinly surprised with the smal section of the apartment that he could see over Hunks shoulder.

Yeah! Hunk said excitedly. Come on in! Take a look around. The Garrison was generous as hell with this place. Not to say I would’ve accepted anything less because they owe their lives to us and all. Basically, I’m not complaining a bit!

When Keith walked in Hunk stepped behind him wearing a grin as he greeted Shiro, mouthing: “how did you manage?” In reference to Keith’s presence, to which Shiro just smiled and shrugged following Keith inside. 

“Who’s here?” 

“Everyone’s in the living room. It’s just me Allura and Pidge as usual.”

He nodded and walked into the main room preparing a smile for the others as Keith followed. They all exchanged friendly greetings and hugs to Shiro, but when Keith entered the room immediately went from casual to crazy. Everyone’s eyes lit up and before he could even think about giving an explanation or extending a greeting, Pidge was on him, arms wrapped tightly around his waist. She pulled back quickly and looked up at him with a thrilled grin. 

“Keith?!” She said excitedly. “God I barely recognized you without a hospital as your backdrop!”

Then Allura joined in with a happy hug and added: “You look wonderful Keith! It’s so good to see you up and about.” Then Hunk joined in the growing group hug too just for the simple joy of Hugging and said, “it’s great you have you back buddy.”

Keith, despite the ever-present pit in his stomach, tried to smile too. “Yeah.” He said softly. “It was time. Missed you guys too. I had to do this sooner or later anyway.”

“Well, hopefully, it will be worth it for you.” Hunk said with another grin. “I’ve got a feast coming, and we were all going to play some board games or something casual. Maybe a movie too if we’re up for it.”

“Oh also, Keith, we made a rule you should know about, no war talk unless it’s absolutely necessary while we’re here. Just casual, normal conversations that normal groups of friends have.” He smiled and Keith nodded, smiling back a bit simply because of Lance’s voice in the back of his head whispering that Hunk was trying really hard and that “You should at least try and pretend to enjoy it Mr. Grumpypants.”

So he did. He smiled despite the odd uncomfortable feeling that began to settle in his chest. “Yeah, that sounds good Hunk.” He replied. “I’m excited.”

"So I hear you bought the booze?" Pidge said with a sly smirk. "I’m 21 now after all." 

"Not that that rule was ever one you listened to." Shiro chuckled, handing her a beer. 

Keith looked at the cooler that everyone was helping themselves to and swallowed. Maybe forgetting all that was wrong in his life for one night was something he could get with. Maybe he’d drink a bit. That was fine right? That wasn’t selfish. 

"Just take one dude." Pidge smiled, noticing his indecision, "come on. Let’s go stuff ourselves with food."

Keith nodded and followed behind her as they all gathered around the dinner table, grabbing a bottle as he went. 

Hunk brought all the dishes to the table and at the mere sight of the plethora of food, he grew 5 times more hungry than he had been when he walked in. 

Soon enough they were all fighting over seconds and thirds, talking about tv episodes, and Allura's eye-opening first experience with seagulls when she had taken a walk on the beach and had her bag of chips stolen. 

Keith watched it all. It was so… well, normal. Allura looked so young and free without the seriousness of war and the need for her leadership. As did Shiro, who was laughing and talking openly in ways Keith hadn’t seen since before Kerberos. Pidge was more herself than she had been since she had gotten back, with snide comments and witty humor. And Hunk… he was glowing. His friends all around, his food thoroughly enjoyed, a grin never leaving his face. 

It was nothing like their visits to the hospital at all. It was all so normal, so happy and good. The only thing it was missing, of course, was Lance. Lance and Coran. 

The table had three empty chairs. One next to Keith and two more at both ends of the table. He remembered Shiro saying something about an empty chair for him during one of his many hospital trips as a way to entice him into coming. Keith assumed, now that he was here, that there had always deliberately been 8 chairs present. A place for everyone on the team, the 8th for king Alfor maybe. He didn’t know. 8 chairs for everyone, even if they weren’t actually there. And Keith felt the emptiness of the seat next to him like it was a door open to the most frigid and unwelcoming of air. It was cold. Terribly cold and Keith was practically shivering. 

There was no warm, bony shoulder to rest his head on, no neck to nuzzle into. Nobody at all to lean against. No hand to sneak under the table and hold his, no sound of his voice or his laugh or his jokes. No view of his smile or stolen glances that offered him a moment to get lost in his blue eyes. No kisses on his hand or his temple or top of his head. There was no Lance. And the more he thought about it, the more his chest started to hollow. The more his heart picked up its pace and the colder it seemed to get. 

So quicker than he could think to stop himself he was reaching for his drink and downing it. Ignoring the brief lull in conversation and glances sent his way. A dizzy warmth flushed into his system, and a dull daze swept through him. He chased the feeling until it died away and stood up to get two more bottles. He didn’t want to be the one who ruined this for everyone, and he didn’t want to feel so empty, so he drank a little more, and a little more, and kept drinking until he was far enough gone that the only thought he had was beating everyone in their upcoming game of monopoly. 

He was loud, and giggly, and so, so far gone that the others ended up being more concerned than they were amused because he just kept going. He kept drinking. 

Keith went for another bottle but was stopped by a metal hand pushing his away. 

"I think that’s enough for you Keith." Shiro said, edging sternness into his voice.

"Oh, come on Shiro!" Keith said. "I’m just having some fun, it’s no big deal! That’s why I’m here right? To have fun and forget about my dead fiancé?"

Suddenly the whole room filled with that same ice Keith had felt earlier. Eyes widened, voices fell, and all gazes turned on Shiro and Keith. 

'Keith…" Shiro said, a bit shocked. "L- lance isn’t…. he’s not dead…"

Keith scoffed. "Well, he may as well be, right? Like, he isn’t here. He hasn’t been here for months… Now- now that I'm here I realize that there isn't much of a difference between Lance being right next to me in the hospital and him being miles, and miles, away. I still feel just as alone, he still is just as gone..."

Shiro's heart fell into his gut. 

'No... no Keith.. h- he’s alive he’s not here, no but he’s still alive… you know that buddy…. you know he’s going to be ok-"

"I- I think I forgot the sound of his laugh," Keith mumbled, tripping over himself as he adjusted his body in Shiro's firm grasp. ...And the exact color of his eyes. You know? That’s like my dad and he’s WAY dead. I barely remember anything about him. But he was my dad. Right? That’s like really shitty…. I should… I should remember.. but I can’t… I don’t remember at all…" 

Keith looked up at him and suddenly Shiro realized that Keith’s eyes were glossy with tears. His heart fell even further because he looked just… completely and utterly broken. 

"Lance… is he slipping away too? Is he just going to die and make me look foolish for ever thinking he could come back? Just like my dad? Just like my mom?? Am I just holding onto nothing? Like… like I’m holding on to a memory of my dad that probably isn’t even accurate? Is that all this is? Because that sounds a lot like he’s dead." 

“I’ve been through this before! So many times before, Shiro! And it feels the same! It feels exactly the same- I just—“

And suddenly the tears that he’d started to well up in his eyes were falling down his cheeks. 

"I… don’t want to forget him, Shiro… not like my dad. I don’t want to lose him. I wanted to marry him… I wanted to have him… forever… I wanted this god damn war to leave him alone! I would rather be dead than have to lose him! I… love him… is that why? Is that why he’s gone now? Because everyone I love-"

"No!" Shiro interjected quickly. "No Keith not at all, that’s not true at all ok?" 

"But it is Shiro! It’s my fault! He did it for me! He’s gone because of me! He- he-" 

Keith was sobbing now, slumped into Shiro and just sobbing. He absolutely none of the team had seen him like this since it all went down. Honestly, they expected more tears but he had only shown anger and protectiveness since coming back to earth. There was no crying at all. No emotion other than anger. And now it was like a dam broke and all that Keith had been suppressing was being flushed out now that his proper judgment and self-constraint was impaired. He had no means by which to hold it in anymore, and it was just absolutely heartbreaking to watch. 

Allura was first to react, standing up and walking toward him to pull him into a tight hug. And Keith didn’t even try to push away. 

"You’ve got us. Ok?" She whispered to him. "We’ll get him back. I’m sure of it. Just keep being strong for him, Keith. You’ve been so strong."

"Yeah," Hunk chimed in. "We’ve got you, buddy. It will be ok."

"Tell anybody who says anything different to come and talk to me ok? I'll set them straight." Pidge added, walking towards them. "Lance is too obsessed with you to be able to stay away for too long." And even through his sobs, that made Keith smile a bit, Flushing Pidge with relief. 

"Lance won’t ever leave you behind, Keith." Shiro said finally, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder, "no matter what happens." 

Keith nodded weakly into Allura’s shoulder. Let’s get you home ok? He said, gently pulling him back from her. Keith nodded again, all of his crying making the alcohol-induced haze fade entirely to fast, replacing it with a headache that only managed to double the ache in his chest. They all parted after that. Following Keith and Shiro out of Hunk’s apartment silently, the image of Keith, completely broken and crying burned into their heads. It put a sad damper on all of their moods, to say the least.

Shiro, who had remained sober during the get together so he could drive Keith back, helped him into the car and turned on to the highway back towards the hospital.

He didn't bother turning on music, he didn't try to start up a conversation, he just did his best to try and focus on anything other than Keith, who sat curled into himself in the passenger seat with a steady stream of tears falling down his cheeks.

In all the time that Shiro had known him, he had never imagined that this would be a place Keith could end up. Looking so hopeless and afraid and broken, like he needed to be glued back together. The strong-willed, incurably stubborn boy with enough fight in one fist to serve a whole army was nowhere to be found in Keith right now. He was at his lowest of lows, and time and time again, seeing it reduced Shiro to his own tears. So much that when they reached the hospital and Keith went back to Lance's room for the night, Shiro couldn’t watch as Keith ran to Lance and begged him not to leave him. Gripping his limp body like it was a lifeline, shaking and sobbing into his hospital gown, Shiro had to turn away, blocking out the whimpers Keith whispered as he left: “don’t go, don’t go, please, don’t go…” 

 

***Pre-Accident: Week 4, Day 1***

 

It had not been an easy few weeks for Keith. The Blades were sending him from one grueling mission to the next and he barely had time to sleep. There was one mission coming up that had been in the works for a number of weeks now, and Keith had recently found out that not only would he be on it, but they would need the assistance of Voltron. In any other circumstance, he would be fine with that, but working with Voltron meant working with Lance, and if their last encounter was anything to go off of, Keith was ready to assume that things might continue to be difficult. More specifically, Lance could continue to be difficult.

Lance had not so much as looked his way since their fall out. If he was ever on the castle with the Blade, he barely saw him at all, and in the rare moments when he did, Lance treated him as though he didn't exist. Thankfully for Keith though, he hadn’t been able to spend more than a few hours at a time in the castle recently, and therefore had no time for personal discussions either. 

But now, with a mission coming up and what would probably need to be a few days of discussion with Voltron, there would be plenty of time… 

Truthfully, Keith actually did feel completely awful for what he had said to Lance, and the lack of resolution was slowly killing him, but Lance had not been making it easy to try and apologize in the rare moments when he had the chance, and it was starting to annoy him. And now, as he prepared for the mission ahead, he didn’t know what to do or how to proceed at all. Lance was unwilling to hear an apology, and the more it sat with Keith, the less he felt he deserved one. Sure he had spoken out of term, but Lance should have stayed out of it in the first place. Right? 

“Keith.” Coran's voice said suddenly, interrupting his train of thought, which he had, admittedly, been having in the middle flying his pod to reenter the castle ship. “You are clear to dock, boy! Hurry up with it.” 

“Sorry Coran,” he replied and gently moved the ship into position. 

Stepping out he was confronted by the whole team. The whole team except for Lance. 

Keith shrugged off his initial irritation and disappointment at his absence, which, granted, he should have expected given the situation and moved on to greet everyone. “The Blade should be arriving soon.” He instructed. 

Shiro nodded. Until then, you should relax. I’m sure it’s been a busy week. 

Yeah. Keith muttered. You know where to find me? 

Of course. He replied. 

And with that, Keith was alone again, walking down the halls of the castle, much similar to the situation he had been in the last time he had taken residence here. When Naxella was painfully fresh, and Lance was too concerned for comfort. 

Keith and probably Shiro both knew that relaxing by way of sleep or lounging around wouldn’t be effective for him, so instead, he went right to the training deck. Just like last time… In fact, it all felt a bit too reminiscent for Keith’s taste, so he was relieved when Shiro came in a few moments later asking if he was up to spar. 

They went through their usual routine, Shiro using only a sword and not his hand as they had determined that it gave him an unfair advantage, and Keith let the exercise numb and distract him into a blissful state of intense focus. It wasn’t until they broke for water that it all went to shit. 

“So I figured it out,” Shiro said softly, taking a sip out of his water pouch. 

“Figured what out.” Keith responded giving him a confused look and hoping his answer was something like “how to fix the broken food goo machine,” or “where my missing sock went,” but it, sadly, was neither. 

“I didn’t want to prod, and I got the vibe that Lance wouldn’t want to answer any of my questions, so I guess I kinda had to figure it out on my own regardless, but I think it was good that I did because it gave me time to think.”

“You’re talking about me and Lance’s argument, aren’t you…” Keith asked, already knowing full well that he was right. 

“Naxella, to be more specific, yes,” Shiro replied. 

“Well, you seem awfully calm about it,” Keith said. “I can’t say the same for how Matt and Lance reacted…”

“No, trust me, it freaked me out for a bit. No worries, but unlike Lance and Matt, I had a bit more time to mull it over. I wanted to say that I’m proud of you. Of course in any situation, I would prefer that you not die, and this is no exception, but I am proud of your bravery and your determination. It says a lot about you, Keith.” 

“So you’re not mad?”

“Honestly, I think I would have done the same thing. If it was dire and I had thought through every option, which I’m sure you did, I probably would have thought to do the same, but I am extremely thankful that it didn’t have to come to that for either of us. You get what I’m saying?” 

“Yeah,” Keith muttered. “Life is precious. I get it.”,

“It is,” Shiro replied. “And that was all Lance was trying to say when you two fought. It may have come out harsh because he was probably emotional and confused, but all he was trying to say was that your life mattered. You know that.”

“I tried to apologize to him, Shiro!” Keith said, trying to defend himself. 

“Yes, after you insulted him for caring.” Shiro deadpanned. “I don’t blame him for not being in the mood for an apology after that.”

“Keith, he’s been angry and irritated for weeks now. He’s let this get to him and it hasn’t been fun to watch. If you could just try and resolve things with him again… you know, just talk to him. I’m sure it would help you both out a lot.” 

“Both?” Keith questioned. 

“Oh, don’t even bother Keith. I know this has been affecting you a lot more than you’re letting on. Just tell him how you feel.”

Keith immediately bristled at those words. 

“I don't feel anything! For him! Nothing at all! I have absolutely no feelings for him! What are you talking about?!” Keith said quickly, realizing all too late that he was defending himself against a ‘threat’ that hadn’t really been there at all. 

“You- wait do you like him?” Shiro asked, his eyes widening. 

“No!!” Keith said back angrily. “Are you insane?!”

“You do!!!” Shiro grinned. “Oh my god! How did I not notice!!! For how long??”

Keith was ready, very ready to shoot this down and was about to until he looked at Shiro. His face genuinely excited, and as he felt the ever-present ache in his chest continue to make him feel hallow. He realized then that getting this off his chest might actually be nice. Having someone to talk to about it could relieve at least some of the stress he kept having piled on to him. So, defeated, he sighed. 

“Since the bomb…” Keith muttered. 

“Really…” Shiro marveled. 

“Yeah. Got enough gossip now Shiro?!” He snapped. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Shiro said with a chuckle, getting the hint loud and clear. “I’ll stop. I’m just- well I’m happy for you!”

“You should be very unhappy for me because this has caused nothing but months and months of intense inner turmoil.” Keith sighed. 

“Why don’t you just say something?” Shiro asked.

“Have you met Lance, Shiro? The guys an actual ruler. All he talks about are girls! He’s as straight as it gets.”

“I’m not saying you have to date him, Keith. I just think that it might help ease your conscience a bit. And maybe if you told him, you could open him up to the idea, who knows?”

“Even if that was true, he probably hates me more than he hates Zarkon at this point so in the rare reality that there are the slimmest of chances at all that he isn't helplessly and completely straight, I doubt my chances would increase.”

With that, they both fell silent. Shiro finding nothing he could say to reassure Keith, and Keith finding that he had nothing to say anymore. They both took long sips of their water and Keith let his head fall back against the wall.

“I fucked this up didn’t I.” He said quietly. 

“Probably for a bit, yeah,” Shiro responded. “But Lance is an understanding guy. Give it some time and he’ll come around. Just prove to him that he’s not what you said he was. Show him that, and things will work out.” Shiro put a hand on Keith’s shoulder and smiled again. "Trust me, Keith." 

So that night, Keith attempted to listen to Shiro's advice and went out looking for Lance. He checked all of his favorite places in the castle that he knew Lance frequented and found nothing until he came again to the observation deck, having herd muffled, angry sounding voices from down the hall. 

Quietly walking up to the entryway, he tucked behind the wall to listen.

"I just can’t fucking stand it Hunk!!! Lance growled to Hunk who sat patiently on the couch watching Lance pace around the room. "Like I knew he was an ass, hell I coined the idea, honestly, but this much of an ass?!? I just- there are no- I can’t-" 

But before he could finish his thought, Keith heard him pick up something- probably a pillow- stuff his face into it, and scream. 

"Buddy, I feel you. Really, I do. And I got it, you know for the first two days, but you uh, haven’t done much cooling down and it’s like… been multiple weeks now. Maybe you should, I don’t know, talk to him? Tell him what you’re telling me so you get it off your chest?"

"Ha," Lance said sarcastically. "Like that would make any difference at all. He KNOWS that he’s an asshole, and he most certainly knows that I actually completely and legitimately hate him, but he hasn’t said squat. He’s going around, doing whatever the hell he does and an apology is the last thing on his agenda. Trust me." and frankly I wouldn't want to listen even if he had one to offer.

"Well, he hasn’t been here either. This whole big mission and all-" 

"Yeah!" That’s the best part about all this is that I don’t ever have to associate with him! It’s great! When he’s here I avoid the training deck and that’s all it takes. I never have to speak to him again. Easy peasy." 

"Then why are you still screaming into pillows…" 

"BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND I JUST WANT HIM TO FUCKING REALIZE IT ALREADY!!" Lance screamed back. 

Hunk sighed. "You’re contradicting yourself, buddy. "And if you want my opinion, I say you’re gonna need some closure or that poor pillow is going to go deaf."

"No, I’m not talking to him," Lance repeated for what had to have been the millionth time. 

Hunk groaned, completely exasperated. "Well, then I can’t help you. I agree that what he did was incredibly shitty, and I am also upset by association because frankly, I’ve never seen you this mad, but if it were me, I’d just go to him for a little chat, you know? Sort things out." 

"I liked everything you were saying up until you told me to talk to him again. Lance sighed. "If we talk, and that's a BIG if- he’s gonna be the one coming to me. Preferably on his hands and knees… begging for forgiveness." 

"You… are talking about Keith right?" Hunk said laughing a bit. "That's a scenario I can't even picture. But I can picture some broken ribs in your future if he ever catches wind that you said that." 

A silence followed that Keith assumed Lance had taken to glare at Hunk.

“Look.” Hunk said in an attempt to backtrack. “Keith is a complex guy, but the dude has a heart too. “I'm sure he just felt threatened by your questions and acted out like he always does. I seriously wouldn't take it personally.”

“How can I not take it personally? The guy came for my LIFE. He doesn't know me at all. I mean if he did- even a little bit, he wouldn't have said what he did. Right?” 

“There!” Hunk replied. “That’s one of the things you can start off with and ask him!”

“Look, Hunk. I’m going, to be honest here, I don't think talking would be able to do me as much good as your saying it will because I actually don’t even want to know what he has to say. I don’t think he deserves the opportunity to give an explanation right now anyways. If I have to work with him, I will, but I’m not going any farther.”

“Whatever you say, dude.” Hunk muttered.

And with that, Keith was gone. He ignored the sting behind his eyes. He ignored the pounding in his chest, he ignored all the signs his body was giving him to go back and apologize anyway. Lance wanted nothing to do with him and that was that.


	4. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so season 6 was amazing. I don't understand where all this discourse is coming from but I loved it so that's that. I've also decided that I'm going to go on my own path from here on out. The story will be canon compliant up until season 4, but after watching this new season, I determined that trying to keep up with the canon plot will just be too messy in conjunction with the story that I want to tell. I'll include some details for sure, smaller- not plot reliant things, and actually, some of my ideas for where I want to take this story may overlap with some things to come in future seasons anyways. So that's the plan. Here's another chapter for you all in honor of season 6's release! Enjoy!

***Post-Accident: Week 5, Day 3***

 

After the end of the past week, Keith certainly did not expect to be feeling as… contented as he currently was. Contented, perhaps wasn't even the right word to use in this situation, the word “ok” seemed to do more justice in how he was feeling, and even still, he had not expected to feel “ok” either. Not after his meltdown. 

And Keith had not, in fact, been ok for a few of the days that followed, but today, he had woken up, looked at Lance, and surprisingly enough, not felt completely and utterly broken as usual. He felt ok.

Keith had continued to spend most of the rest of the day trying to deduce why, and he eventually came to the conclusion that he was ok because he had finally got everything out of his head and off of his chest. He had finally let himself cry. And he cried a lot. And somehow, that simple thing seemed to do the trick. 

Lance had always nagged him to try and let himself feel a little more openly more frequently, but Keith had always cheekily replied, “the only place that I’m interested in feeling openly in is our room when we're alone,” and this, of course, had always managed to fluster Lance out of his wits, successfully distracting him, and thereby allowed Keith to avoid any further prodding. 

Keith looked over at Lance in his bed and gave a soft, sad looking sort of smile. "Maybe you were on to something." He whispered softly to him. Lance, in this situation, had in fact been right all along, and Keith knew it. Even then. He had just never been able to be fully willing to take that advice before. Not until now, and it did, in fact, feel good.

He was more social than he had been in a while, less pessimistic, and Lance was being served boatloads of affection from head and shoulder massages, to face masks. Keith was able to do even more for Lance now. He had even left the hospital on his own to get the facemasks after realizing how horrified he might be when he wakes up and realizes he had been months without his personal myriad of skin care products and a proper nightly routine.

He finally felt able to be with Lance while he was in comatose and not feel terrible. Now, he was actually hopeful. Hopeful and happy and proud, because like everyone said: Lance was alive! And that was amazing in of itself. There was hope. Hope that Keith finally felt ok enough to grasp onto. Things had really started to shift after Pidge’s last solo visit to the hospital. She had stopped by briefly a few days after his meltdown, quite unexpectedly, and it had really helped to enact the shift in Keiths mood.

“Hunk sends his love but he can’t come today, so obviously, he made a year's worth of food for you to compensate.” She said exaggeratedly, pushing her way into the room and dropping a hefty looking bag down on the table in front of Keith. 

Keith didn’t even bother trying to say that it wasn't necessary or that he didn't have to because Hunk genuinely equated not being able to visit for a day with the need to make all of Keith’s favorite food. Instead, he texted him a quick thank you and focused back on Pidge who was currently taking a seat in a chair that was the furthest possible distance from Lance as she could get, just like she always did.

A silence ensued for a while after, both paladins stirring in the quiet. It wasn’t uncomfortable per se, but Keith could easily detect anxiety on Pidge’s behalf, though she simply looked bored.

“How are you.” She asked, finally breaking into the silence. 

“Fine for the most part,” Keith replied. 

“How is he…” 

“The same as he’s been. Anna keeps saying there's been no development. You know.. as a good thing, but I’m pretty sure is just a nice way to say that he isn't getting any better.” 

Keith had so many questions for Pidge but didn't want to upset her with them. Like whether or not she had come up with her own diagnosis of this problem. If she thought she had any way of speeding up his healing, if there was anything that she and her brilliance uncovered about Lance’s condition that Keith should know about, but he bit his tongue.

so when she spoke up and answered many of his burning questions without her prompting it was a very welcome surprise. “He’ll wake up Keith.” She had said.

Keith looked at her and found her eyes cast into her lap. 

“And no I’m not saying that as a hypothesis, and it’s not based on any research. It’s not a science thing, this is… it’s just my gut. Science doesn’t allow for all that much optimism. Especially in these situations. That’s partly why I haven’t done much healing myself. Logic keeps getting in my way and it’s about time I just had some god damn faith. For the sake of having faith, you know? As well as for my own sanity. I suggest you try it out too, or you’ll keep being miserable until he wakes up and we don’t have any idea of how long this could last.”

“The worst thing about all this is that I can’t do anything… at all.”

“And he’s like.. your fiancé and all so you know all this because you’re probably feeling the same way but it’s like 100 times more painful.”

“Jee Pidge,” Keith muttered, willing his voice not to crack from the gut punch of emotion he just received. “Thanks.” 

“I know, I suck at this,” Pidge said, pushing her glasses up to her forehead and pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Look. My point is that Lance is strong. Like I forget how strong he is sometimes. What happened should’ve killed him. It would have killed him But somehow he pulled through and he’s alive. That’s more than a miracle, it frankly shouldn't have even been possible. But he's still here. He's still alive, and science can’t explain that. I think that he’s got a reason to stay. He’s alive right now because he’s supposed to be. He needs to be. He just got his ass kicked, and his body thrown into a blender. Coming back from that is gonna take time. But he’ll come back.”

All Keith could help to do after all that was stare at her. Simply stare at Pidge. How the hell was she reading his mind and telling him exactly what he needed to hear?

“Now before you say anything, and make this uncomfortable like you’re so skilled at always doing, let me give you what I actually came here to give you, because trust me, I didn't expect to go on that rant as much as you didn’t expect to hear it .”

The words rushed out of her mouth, and her cheeks burned red, embarrassed at her own realization of all that she just said and the sappy direction she steered this conversation. Averting her gaze to the side, she dug her hand into her pocket and sheepishly stuck out a hand towards Keith who blinked at it confusedly. 

Three penny sized mechanical looking disks sat in the palm of her hand two of which had something that looked like an earpiece attached to the back.

“What’s this…” Keith asked.

“A gift you dumbass, take them already!” Pidge griped.

Keith took the small objects and held them in his hand curiously. 

“I made them,” Pidge said, shifting to sit on her hands. “They could help Lance hear you.”

Keith shot his eyes back up to Pidges.

“Hear me?” He asked, a little awestruck.

“Yeah. Shiro told me about what that nurse told you. The whole talking to Lance thing which, by the way, is cute, but it’s also disgusting.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “Your point...?”

“The point is that that’s a myth that hasn't ever actually been scientifically proven, so there's no way you can really know for sure if he will remember everything you said to him at all. Don’t tell your nurse friend but I was able to hack into some of Lance’s files, for my own peace of mind of course, and was studying his brain scans and devised a little way to try and make what might be going into his head not get lost in comatose. Basically there like hearing aids that manually commit words to memory through manufactured brainwaves. They’ll interface with his and hopefully, they'll be able to make the myth something of a reality.”

“The earpieces are the transmitters that go in his ears. They’ll take the input and turn it into a special code that can be read by the third which you can attach to the back of his head here.” She said lifting her hand to point directly at the back of her head, turning so that Keith could see. “Lift up the hair a bit because it needs to attach to his skin.” 

“And then…” Keith prompted. 

“And then talk,” Pidge replied with a little shrug. “I really don't have any way to know if they will work but I think it’s worth a try, you know? And I don’t want all my painstaking work to go to-”

“Pidge…” Keith interrupted, eyes widened in shock. “This is… why did you…”

Pidge finally smiled a bit.

“There’s this particular wedding I’m still really looking forward to attending.” Pidge shrugged. “But it’s probably not going to be for a while. Sue me for wanting to speed things up.” 

And with that, Keith couldn't help himself. He laughed. Willing his emotions that were beginning to boil over not make him look even more pathetic in front of Pidge. He stood up and hugged her. 

“You’re amazing, you know that?” He asked. 

Yeah, sure, sure more importantly- Are you hugging me right now?? She said, her voice muffled from the way her face was squished up against Keith. Like actually hugging me? 

Keith just chuckled again, feeling more at ease and hopeful than he had in what felt like ages. “That's what you get for being amazing Pidge." He replied. "I’m not heartless.”

Pidge smiled at that too, deciding finally to hug him back. “No. No, you’re not.” 

Now try them out! She said pushing him away and avoiding eye contact. Keith could tell she was trying to play her emotions off as nothing but he could see the heat in her cheeks and the small smile that made its way on to her lips. 

Keith smiled at her and nodded, walking over to Lance’s bedside. It wasn’t until he approached him that he realized that he was shaking. For some reason, this felt different. 

Clumsily, his shaking hands slipped the devices gently into each one of Lance’s ears and carefully lifted his head to attach the one that went in the back, threading his fingers into Lance's soft hair. It attached itself with a little mechanical whir and then all three of the devices lit up at the same time. 

Keith looked to Pidge for confirmation and she nodded. "They’re online." 

She was standing a few feet away from the bed still, avoiding looking at Lance as usual, but she seemed happy.

“Tell me how they work ok?” She said gently. 

“What you’re not going to stay and see for yourself?” He asked. 

“I’m gonna let you two be." She replied with a little smirk. “Don’t want to be here for that sappy, romantic, disgusting stuff. No offense.” 

Keith gave a small smile and nodded. “I’ll tell you how it goes." He said. "Thank you Pidge.” And with that, she was gone, closing the door to Lance’s room behind her. 

Shakily, Keith turned back around to face Lance. His breathing was uneven and his heart was pounding. he sat down in his chair, squirming a bit as he wet to pick up lances land, lacing his fingers into his and squeezing on tightly. Had Lance been awake he probably would have pointed out how sweaty his hands were with concern but instead, he lay silently and unchanged. 

Letting out an uneven breath, he swallowed and gathered some words. 

“Hi, Lance.” He said softly. “It’s Keith.”

 

***Pre-Accident: Week 4, Day 4***

 

Shots rang out all around Keith, and explosions shook the ground beneath his feet. Fire seemed to be everywhere, and more damage than he was comfortable with had been done to his Blades suit, enough so that he was paying more attention to the future problems the damage could cause him in this battle than actually avoiding said problems. 

70% of all the mayhem was a result of Voltron completely obliterating Galra cruiser after Galra cruiser above him, and it made the fight on the ground all the more difficult. Debris was falling everywhere and he couldn’t be as stealthy as would have been preferred because if he stayed in one place for too much time, he risked being crushed or damaged by means other than the seemingly infinite number of Galra soldiers shooting mercilessly at him.

Things probably wouldn’t have been so difficult on this mission for him had he not been the one whose instructions were to steal a very valuable bit of information off of the one system that held the information they needed in the entire universe. The system that had this information, however, just so happened to be on one of the most heavily fortified Galra occupied planets in this, or any system and the Galra were literally pulling out all of their stops in an attempt to get it out of rebellion hands. More specifically- Keith’s hands. 

Keith was having difficulty telling the difference between century and soldier with how frantically he was trying to escape their grasps, having to be equally as merciless with taking down the opponents that stood in the way of him and his escape ship. 

To make things even more exciting, the planet they were on was basically just a giant ball of lava, cracking and dropping off into deadly cliff sides. Fall off one of the cliffs and you would probably be burnt to a crisp before you hit the lava at the bottom with how insanely fucking hot this planet was. You had to constantly be on the lookout for cracks forming in the ground and things crumbling beneath you. 

Another ground shaking explosion went off and Keith shot his gaze up towards the sky to see Voltron disbanding with the force of the blow, the lights on the lions flickering as they fell down towards the planet. 

"Ah, shit." Keith gritted out under his breath, but he had to suppress the urge to run back in the other direction to check on the lions and instead, turned to continue heading to his own ship, listening in to the intercom intently, waiting for someone to speak up. 

Relieved, he heard Shiro speak first. 

"Voltron is down." He said. "Paladins, let’s proceed on foot until the lions are back online. Pidge, Matt, stay back and see if you can speed them up." 

"Got it." Pidge voice sounded through the intercom. 

With the new assurance that Voltron was safe, and a view of them exiting their lions on the horizon, Keith took off, taking out combatants one after the next as if it was the most terrifying and difficult castle training deck simulator ever. 

“Keith!” Shiro’s voice sounded over the intercom. “Talk to me, what’s your status.”

“Under- gah!” Keith attempted to say before he was kicked to the ground. He skidded to a halt face first but didn’t even have time to be in pain before he had to launch back up to his feet. Acting before thinking, he swiped out a leg in front of him, knocking his opponent over, and took off running, swiping out his blade in front of him as he went. 

“I’m under heavy fire- backup- I would not mind backup if you can spare it...

"I’ll do my best," Shiro grunted, sounding like he was entering a battle of his own. The rest of the audio that filtered in through Keith’s helmet blurred into background noise. Hunk babbling about something being terrifying, Shiro screaming at opponents intimidatingly, pidge and Matt updating on the status of the lions, everything was blurring. Including Keith’s focus. He was getting tired. 

"Not now." He gritted, cursing himself for his inability to get any decent sleep the past few days. Cursing himself for being an ass to Lance, cursing the goddamn microchip he was holding onto for dear life. It was all just one giant mess and Keith hated every bit of it. 

'My ship is just over that hill,' he thought, trying his best to focus. 'Just avoid the cliff edge, take out all the centuries in my way, get in my ship, fly myself to safety and everything will be fine. I’ll be fine.'

But of course the cliffside was collapsing, crumbling and getting closer to his position, the hill that his ship was just over was being swarmed with centuries, and the flying to safety part, if he could even make it to his ship, would probably be shot into oblivion as soon as it breached the atmosphere now that Voltron was down. In this case, optimism just served to create dangerous amounts of Naivety that would end up getting him killed, so his usual, pessimistic self, took control yet again. 

Suddenly though, a firm blow to the side sent Keith flying towards the cliff edge, efficiently knocking the wind out of him and making his head even more scrambled. 

Right as he got to his feet again, he was confronted with four centuries. They surrounded him pressing closer, their guns never ceasing in shooting at him, pushing Keith towards the edge of the cliff. All he had to separate himself from them, really, was his shield, which he held in front of himself at all times. 

The further he got to the edge, the thinner and more unstable the ground beneath his feet seemed to get, each of his steps creating cracks.

He tried to push back and fight them off, but it felt like if he made too harsh of a movement, he could break through the cracks and fall, so he tried to stand his ground. He had been able to take out two centuries this way, ducking out from behind his shield to swipe his blade and narrowly avoid the shots from their guns, but more and more centuries kept coming, closing the bit of distance Keith had been able to get from them.

Frantically, he looked for ways to get through. His jetpack was shot, so he couldn’t jump off the cliff and propel himself back up, nor could he get enough height to jump over them. There were too many to be able to run under them, and that was without the threat that the force of his feet could make the ground crumble beneath him if he ran. He was literally backed into a corner with no way out. That was, until gunshots suddenly rang out from somewhere, hitting century after century dead in the center of their chests. 

Keith’s eyes flew open at the sudden takedown of all the centuries in front of him and looked up to find none other than Lance, standing with his gun raised, a few yards away.

Relief flushed through Keith at the sight of him, his current grievances with the Blue Paladin momentarily forgotten as all his focus went into getting back to Lance without falling into a pit of lava. But as soon as he took one step, his heart fell into his stomach, as he started to fall towards the lava below. Keith thought he heard someone scream his name but it, along with his ability to register anything other than fear, was swept away as he fell. 

He was sure he was gone, Sure he had failed until out of nowhere his body halted in its descent with a sudden grasp of a hand at his wrist. 

He shot his eyes up and gaped at Lance as he single-handedly held onto Keith’s life, half draped over the cliff himself. His face was scrunched and he screamed at the pull of Keith’s body on his own, but his grip was tight. He breathed hard, keeping his breaths as steady as possible, and Keith could see the concentration in his entire being as he held on. 

"Lance!" Keith croaked in surprise, the fumes from the lava below making his voice hoarse. "What are you-" 

"I’m saving your fucking life, Keith!" Lance screamed, squeezing his eyes shut as he attempted with a loud groan to pull Keith up any higher. 

"Lance, this cliff is unstable, if you stay here for much longer you could-" 

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" Lance screamed, opening his eyes to glare at Keith. "I had a month to try and not care and yet, I still do. I can’t help but care, and if I let you die, I will never forgive myself, no matter how much I hate you right now, so quit being melodramatic and help me help you! Do you have any footholds on the side of the mountain?" 

"…If I swing closer, yeah," Keith replied, "but Lance-"

"I swear to GOD KEITH! Can you not be negative for one fucking second?!?! I don’t want to hear “but” come out of your mouth again! Now swing yourself over, find a foothold and push yourself up towards me!"

Keith bit his tongue. He was pretty sure he was starting to understand. Maybe they both would die in the attempt to save Keith, but at least they would have tried. That’s just who Lance was, the need to do everything he could, always outweigh the risks. So for his sake, Keith complied. 

"Ok." He said as a warning. "Hold tight." 

Keith started to kick his legs out and began swinging back and forth, gaining speed the more he repeated the action, above him, Lance looked like he was turning purple from the pain and strain Keith’s weight had on his body, lips pressed tightly together and eyes squeezed shut in an attempt to keep himself from screaming. 

Keith kept going, toes gracing the edge of the cliff, searching for something for his foot to catch. Finally, he found a hole. One small enough that he could wedge his foot inside. It was enough to keep him mounted on the rock. 

"Got it!" He told Lance, who puffed out a sigh. See if you can climb any higher. He instructed. So Keith did, legs shaking as he raised his other foot to look for a good, strong ledge in the rock that would support his weight. Cautiously, he started to climb, stretching out to meet some of the rocks and finally, he was able to grab ahold of the side of the cliff. His hand reached blindly to see if there was any part of Lance’s armor he could grab onto and Lance sighed in relief as the strain on his arm was lessened. 

He pulled, dragging Keith up, adjusting his grip to grasp his middle, hooking his arm under Keith. He moved to sit on his knees and let himself lean all the way back into his heels, pulling Keith with him. As soon as Keith felt solid ground he moved and helped push the two of them, gripping onto each other for dear life, further away from the cliff's edge. 

The moments that followed were still. Both boys so stunned and relieved to not be hanging over a pit of lava that they just lay there, paralyzed. Gasping for air, they lay chest to chest, to taken by the fact that they were no longer in imminent danger to care. Lance’s grip around Keith was vice-like, as was Keith’s around Lance’s neck. They were sweaty and wide-eyed. Lance staring up into the sky, and Keith blindly down at Lance’s chest. 

It stayed like this only a moment longer before they were both snapped out of their hazes by the sound of a massive crack beneath them, feeling the ground give under their combined weight, they scrambled off of one another and took off running as far away from the edge as they could. 

"Lance, I need to get to my ship" Keith called out to Lance over the roar of the ongoing battle. Once they had gotten far enough away from the edge, gunshots rang out again, all directed at them. Keith and Lance both summoned their shields and kept running. 

"I’m not saving your ass again, Keith, at this rate, it’s probably already in the lava with how quickly the ground was crumbling toward where you landed it, just cover me and we can take the red lion!"

Keith looked over his shoulder to the hill his ship was beyond and found it to be crumbling right in front of his eyes. Lance was right. At this point, he had no choice. 

But yet again they were surrounded. Keith awoke his blade, ready to fight, and Lance dropped his gun to hold at his side. At first, he was confused but then suddenly it began to change shape. With a bright glow, it morphed seamlessly from a gun to a sword. 

Keith’s eyes widened, and he shot his gaze to look at Lance, who didn’t seem the least bit amazed at what he had just done, meaning that this wasn’t new for him. He had done it before. He immediately dove into battle, trying to clear a path that they could take towards the red lion. 

Keith watched him, his stance off, his grip not practiced… he was an amateur at best. He had done this before maybe, but he needed a lot more work. 

Keith filed away that information and turned his attention back towards their combatants. "I hope you know how to use that thing." He said, his back to Lance as he cut down more centuries. 

"Fuck off," Lance grunted, pushing forward in a sprint towards his lion, taking out centuries as he went. Keith followed close behind him, giving him cover as he spoke into the lion. 

"Pidge, what's the status on red?" He asked. "I’ve got Keith, his ship is gone and we need to get the intel he has to safety." 

"I’ll need a few more minutes!" She said back.

Lance groaned under his breath. "Got it." He said. He didn’t rush her, he didn’t push, he didn’t criticize, he just kept running. 

This was a Lance that Keith hadn’t seen before. A no bullshit, serious, task-oriented Lance who was hyper-focused on the task at hand. 

When they finally reached Pidge, her and Matt were still hard at work. Lance saw her holding her side and gasped. "Pidge? What happened, are you ok?" He said worriedly, kneeling down to look at where she was holding. 

"Just got shot a little." She replied, downplaying the severity of the injury by a lot. "It’s not a big deal, I can still finish this. Just give me some cover."

"You got it," Keith said, summoning his shield again with Lance. The two stood over her protectively, using their shields together to fend off the gunshots that targeted her. 

'How much longer?" Lance asked again.

'Just a few more seconds…. ok go!" She said jumping away and calling her own shield. As soon as they both knew she was well protected from the oncoming shots, they sprinted inside the lion. 

Lance ran ahead, flinging himself into the chair and grabbing the controls. He brought the lion to stand and hit the boosters, taking off into the sky and towards the castle. 

"Haha!!" Lance laughed smugly, a grin stretching across his face." How about THOSE odds!! Take that you fucking Galra assholes!!! We got all your dirty secrets now!"

He laughed and zoomed off, meeting no resistance. Finally, he let himself relax. 

The rest of the ride was mostly silent as Keith propped himself against the back wall of his former lion as lance piloted them both back to safety. He did not expect to end up here. He did not expect Lance to show up out of nowhere, and again he hadn’t expected Lance to care as much as he did. For that, he finally was filled with guilt. 

How could he have possibly said those horrible things to Lance? He cared deeply. It was obvious to anyone. He was strong. Fearless. And he put others above himself. Keith wouldn’t be alive if not for him right now, and suddenly, Keith felt the weight of an enormous debt to lance settle on his chest. One he promised himself right then that he would one day repay. For now, though… for now, he would simply express his gratitude. Gratitude that Lance was far beyond deserving. In Fact, it was long, long overdue. 

"Thank you, Lance..." Keith spoke up softly, turning his gaze back to him.

"Shut up," Lance replied.


	5. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry that I took so long to update. I started work at a new job recently, and had some major last minute changes made in the order of some chapters, and adding things to the story Than I hadn't originally had in my drafts... it was a lot of changes that I was very indecisive about and it took a long ass time to come to a finishing point that I was happy with, so I'm really sorry about that. My goal is to try and never exceed two weeks before updating so, I'm gonna do my best to stick to that. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and I've got more on its way to you soon!

***Post-Accident: Week 6, Day 3***

 

Slow. everything was so, so slow. And truthfully, it wasn't even the slowness that Keith minded. What was killing him was having to wait for something, anything to change. It felt like they were in a loop, where every day was repeating over and over. One that could end up going on forever if no developments came along any time soon. Or like the room was gradually filling with molasses every time Keith woke up to the same sight of Lance. He was really and truly trying not to take the calm for granted but it was turning out to be very difficult for him. He just really wanted Lance back. 

It had rained this morning, and Keith had basically flung himself to the window to watch the droplets of water gradually start hitting the glass harder and harder. Rain in Arizona, especially during this time of year was pretty uncommon, but this rain was turning into quite the storm nonetheless. Keith had half been expecting to hear Lance yelp with excitement and rush up to join him at the window but he remained alone, looking up at the big, open grey sky with yet another pit sinking into his stomach 

Lance loved the rain, and here it was, raining on earth for the both of them to witness for the first time in years, yet Lance couldn't enjoy it with him. He couldn't run out onto the balcony and dance, letting the warm summer rain completely soak him. He couldn't drag Keith out to join him. He couldn't even hear the way that the rain began to pound against the window or the thunder that rumbled through the clouds. But realizing that gave Keith an idea.

He dug his hand quickly into his pocket, producing the devices Pidge had made him and went to hook them up to Lance. Dialing up the sound sensitivity he put the final two receptors into Lance's ears and took a step back. “There.” He whispered. “Now you can listen to the rain too.”

Feeling a bit better he sat back down and described how the rain looked, not leaving out a single detail so that Lance could feel, somewhere deep in his subconscious, that he wasn't missing a thing.

For most of the rest of the day that’s how they continued. The quiet occasional sound of Keith’s voice speaking out to Lance when he had a thought to share with him sounding against the thrum of the rain all around them. 

Anna had brought Keith some takeout from her lunch break a little bit later in the afternoon, which she refused to have Keith repay her for, and sat to talk with him while they ate. 

Keith wasn’t a religious person by any means, but if a higher power existed, Keith considered Anna to be a godsend. A blessing he honestly did not deserve, and the more he realized that the more he wanted to repay her somehow.

Maybe he would go out and get her a thank you gift. Or write her a really thoughtful card that detailed how grateful he was for her support in ways he was never able to adequately accomplish with his words. Deciding that that was, in fact, a good idea, Keith decided that he would occupy himself today with seeing it through.

Standing up out of his chair he stretched and began readying himself to leave. He grabbed his wallet and a coat. The rain had died down throughout the rest of the day, leaving a dull grey sky in its wake, but Keith brought an umbrella too, just in case. 

It came from a tub that Pidge had cleverly named: the ‘hermit survival pack.’ It had anything he would need to survive a trip outside if he ever decided to leave. It had mainly been given to him as a nod to the fact that they all thought he needed to leave this hospital room for the sake of his health, but now that he had already started feeling ok to go out and be apart from lance every now and then, It actually had come in handy multiple times, and ended up being very useful.

Finally ready to head out, Keith leaned over to give Lance a soft kiss, and run his fingers through his hair fondly before heading to the door. Only as he had moved to open it, it was already swinging back towards him. Awkwardly he abruptly came head to head with Lance’s doctor and his team. 

“Oh, Mr. Kogane, pardon me, I didn’t know you were there.” 

“It’s fine,” Keith replied, “no worries, come on in.” 

The doctor complied. 

“I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time?” He said, walking in. 

“No, no, not at all sir, it can wait.” Keith replied back, stuttering a bit. “Did something come up?” 

Keith flicked his eyes over to one of the medical students closing the door behind her and then looked back to the doctor, a bit more anxious. The doctor looked… somber, if Keith could put a name to the face that was looking at him. 

“I think it’s best that we have a seat.” He said quietly.

Oh god. Keith thought. This can’t be good. 

Reluctantly he took a seat next to Lance’s bed, and looked back to the doctor, not attempting to hide his fear anymore. 

“Is… everything ok?” He asked. 

“Well, there have been no developments.” The doctor replied, “but that is the problem in this situation.”

“Mr. Kogane, your fiancé has been in a coma for nearly 4 months now, as you know, and has remained completely unchanged for the entire duration. What concerns me and my team is that this could mean there are problems that we can not detect that are very severe. But these problems are only things we would be able to identify if he ever wakes up. It’s worth noting that we really don’t know for a fact that he will wake up at all.”

“What does that mean?” Keith said, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“It means that we are worried.” The doctor replied. “We have rated Mr. Sanchez as a level 4 coma patient, which is one point above the worst that he can be. Luckily he is breathing on his own despite the severe amount of damage to his brain. And his past brain scans show very minimal brain function, but it isn’t a lot. He was not in good shape.”

“We are worried that if he was to wake, he could have a lot of problems that we can’t fix. Truthfully, it’s a question of his potential quality of life. It might be difficult to hear for you Mr. Kogane, but he may not come back as the same person if he is able to function as a person at all.” 

Keith's chest felt hollow. Even more so than it had felt consecutively for the past year, but this time, it was fueled with tinges of resent. 

“If you are suggesting that we take him off life support, I won’t go through with it.” He said firmly, clenching a fist in his lap. 

“We aren’t suggesting something like that just yet. We aren’t sure what will happen yet at all, we are just clarifying the possibilities. It should just be known that the longer a patient is in a coma, the less likely they are to wake up. Or if, on the rare occasion that they do wake up, it’s more likely that the damage will be very severe. We can not say any of this for certain with Mr. Sanchez because there is really no for sure way to tell.” 

“Well then tell me what you know for sure.” Keith prompted, feeling impatient. 

“What we know is that he had a significant amount of damage done to his head. His injuries all around the rest of his body are healing, which is good because his brain can heal too, we just… we don’t know if the residual effects it could have. He does not need a ventilator because he is breathing in his own which means that he is not brain dead, so, despite the damage, we can have hope that his brains essential functions are still intact. And we know that he had been steady. Unchanged. These are good things, but it doesn’t eliminate the possibilities I expressed earlier. Does that make sense?”

Keith nodded with a sigh. “What can we do then?” He asked. 

“Well, for now, the same things that we’ve been doing. But I would like to take him in today to have some more testing done. An MRI, CT and PET scan, just like we did a few weeks back. I just want to check again to see if there are any more developments. Other than that, just keep doing what you’ve been doing” 

“Off the record, Mr. Kogane, if I’m going to tell you what my gut is telling me, rather than what my clipboard says, I think you will be one of the reasons he pulls through if he wakes up.”

Keith blinked, admittedly a little confused at the shift in conversation. 

The doctor gave him a sad, but reassuring smile. “It’s no scientific evaluation, but I personally believe that being loved so much, in the way that he is by you… that makes a world of a difference. I’m not going to give up hope. He said. I know you won’t, and I don't think Lance will either.”

Keith couldn’t help it. He smiled a bit at that, relief flooding him, along with a new appreciation for this doctor, which he realized he didn’t even know the name of.

Looking down at the pin which read his name, he took the hand that he had offered him. “Thank you, Dr. Allen,” he said.

“Of course, Mr. Kogane.” 

“Keith,” Keith replied. “Call me Keith. If we’re both gonna be here for a while, you may as well.” 

“Alright, Keith,” Dr. Allen smiled. “Anna will be back in a bit to take Lance to the imaging lab.” 

Keith nodded, and with that, he and his team were gone. 

In no time at all, Keith was walking back over to Lance. 

Gently, he slipped his hand into his. Holding it tightly while its lay limp. He looked down at it. At the ring that he wore on his third finger. The ring that Keith had put there so long ago. Or at least what now felt like so long ago. 

Sighing, he slowly slipped it off his finger and closed his hand around it safely. No metal was allowed in those machines, so he would hang on to it for now. It hurt Keith a little bit each time he had to take the ring off of him, but he knew it was just superficial and not worth more of his already overflowing amounts of strife, so he pushed the feeling away. He had known, at least in some sense, what Dr. Allen had said already, so he wasn't completely devastated with the news. Both him and Pidge had said it, that there was a reason he wasn't already dead. There was a reason they all could still hope, and that was becoming more than enough for Keith.

He would leave Anna’s gift for another day. Today he would stay by Lance. 

Keith ran a thumb over the back of Lance's hand, carding the other through his hair gently. It may have been intended for Lance’s benefit, but it ended up being to Keith’s just as much. His heart still aches in his chest, but he wasn’t about to give up. Just like Doctor Allen had said. 

If Lance woke up and ended up being paralyzed, or unable to talk. If he was broken in any way, Keith knew one thing for certain, and it was that it wouldn’t matter to him. He would stay by his ride for forever. 

Anna, true to Dr. Allan’s word stepped in a few moments later with another nurse. Both of them lifted Lance from his bed, and into a portable one. Only for this transfer did Keith let go of his hand, other than that, he kept it firmly grasped in his, walking down the hall next to Lance’s bed, all the way until he had to leave him at the doors of the lab. 

He settled down in the waiting room like he had the last couple of times they had done this and waited. Waited until finally, he saw Doctor Allen came back a few long hours later, clutching on to a stack of papers and a clipboard with a bit more of a skip in his step than he had had earlier that day.

“I have some…” surprising news for you Keith! He said, walking into the waiting room outside of the imaging lab Lance had been in, a sort or unsure smile on his face.

Keith pushed himself to sit upright in his chair. The wait had been extensive and as a result, his posture fell into a position where he was sitting completely slouched to the point where his butt was nearly sliding off the end of the chair. 

“Surprising?” Keith questioned. Stretching his spine back into its proper curve. “What does that mean?”

“Well I’m looking at these scans we collected and… I didn’t expect to see what’s here. Lance’s brain functions are… well, they’re flourishing in comparison to the last scans. Of course, they aren’t at the normal levels in any way, but, they are relatively close to the scans someone might have in a deep REM sleep…. not quite, but almost…”

“This trajectory… from where it was a few weeks ago where it was practically nothing… frankly, it’s unheard of. I honestly don’t know how it’s possible…. I’ve never seen something like this happen before…” 

Doctor Allen looked up from his clipboard to Keith, sitting down in a chair beside him. His face was bewildered, but it was a very happy bewilderment. One that gave Keith a surge of new hope. “What kind of miracles are you working here?” The doctor asked, laughing a little. 

“I mean, is there anything you’ve been doing differently? Any stimulation that could have caused this sort of dramatic shift?”

Keith blinked, thinking back to the past weeks with Lance. 

I mean… nothing really… accept maybe these… 

Keith hand disappeared in his pocket only for a moment before he was pulling out Pidge’s devices again. He held them out to doctor Allen. 

When he took them, he started to explain. Well, my friend is a scientist… electrical engineer, computer hacker- well she’s a genius, to put it simply, and she made these for Lance. I don’t know the specific science behind it but she basically said that it creates manufactured brain waves in response to stimuli or something for Lance when he’s hooked up to them. It basically fills in where his head might be lacking, and it makes it so he has a better chance of hearing me when I talk to him. 

It’s not invasive or anything, I just hook him up and start talking. It’s pretty easy really… Honestly, I wasn’t sure if they would even work, and neither was she but it was more or a comfort thing for me, knowing I had a better chance of having something I say registering with him. 

Well, Keith… it registered alright. The doctor breathed, eyes wide as he inspected the devices. Lance is not only reacting subconsciously to your words, but the stimuli is waking up once dormant brain functions… I mean… ones I wasn’t sure he would be able to regain. Like his ability to speak for example. Or walking. I was thinking he could end up being dependent and disabled for the rest of his life but this…. this might have just saved him. 

This technology… it could revolutionize studies for coma patients and what we understand of the brain. Keith, this device is spectacular. 

Keith was filled with relief and joy, and every good emotion he had been lacking for so long now. He wanted to run and hug Pidge. Thank her and express his actual adoration and gratitude for her genius. He wanted to run, and jump and scream and cry, but most powerfully of all, he wanted to see Lance. 

With a grin that the doctor had never seen grace Keith’s stoic face, Keith asked, “where is he?”

Should be back in his room by now. He replied with a knowing smile of his own. 

“Take these,” Dr. Allen said, handing pidges creation back to him, “and congratulate him for me.”

Keith didn’t waste any more time and ran back to Lance’s room. Joy brimming from now every angle. Running through the door, he launched himself over to Lance's bedside and grinned down at him, overwhelmed with love. Lance was strong. He would come back to him. Keith was sure of that now. He leaned down to give him a long, tender kiss, indulging in it a bit more than he usually let himself. 

Keith realized that the one other emotion he hadn't been able to escape this whole time, other than his sadness, was love. Dr. Allen had made him realize it. He was sad, yes. If anything, loving Lance so much had contributed to the sadness, but it was still there. A different emotion other than sadness. An emotion that he hadn't let himself feel when it was overpowered constantly with devastation and hopelessness. Realizing that made Keith feel guilty. 

He had, for so long, let loving Lance take a backseat to his being sad because loving him so much and believing in him, and having faith opened him up to more pain. He had avoided those things largely because he didn't want to get hurt. It was selfish, and Lance didn’t deserve that. 

So Keith held onto that feeling tightly Instead of dwelling on the sinking feeling in his chest. He focused on how fucking much he treasured him, how he would do literally anything for him. How deeply and powerfully he loved him, and when he did, he could forget his sadness just a bit. He could get lost in that feeling of love, and he did so gladly. Maybe it would hurt, but why the fuck should that ever have mattered. This wasn't about him. At all. This was about Lance 

So he kept kissing him, letting Lance know, coma or not, how much he meant. 

He was so distracted that he didn't notice when Anna had come in and then slowly back out again to leave them be a bit longer. He barely noticed when his eyes started to fill with tears. He didn't fucking care, because all that mattered was Lance, and Keith swore that he would never stop fighting for him. He would never lose sight of him. He would do whatever it took to make it to a day where he could feel Lance kiss him back.

 

***Pre-Accident: Week 5, Day 1***

 

Lance sighed as he looked fondly up at the blue sky’s full of puffy white clouds that floated above him. He was laying in a bed of grass that, unfortunately, didn’t really feel all that much like grass. It was a detail he did his best to ignore for the sake of attempting to just enjoy the illusion. He let himself get lost in the views around him and his own thoughts. Sometimes, if he was lucky, he could forget for a moment that it was all a simulation. 

Today though, he was having a lot more difficulty in doing so. His fingers rifled through the grass around him as he studied its subtly different texture. He felt the complete stillness of the air very palpably where there should have been a soft breeze or gust of wind that shook all the plant life around him. He would have felt the tingle of the sun's rays against his exposed flesh had the heat around him not been pumped in through vents, and the sun would not be a very clever use of domed screens that encompassed his actually very small area, though the program was designed so he could feel like he could walk for miles. 

This was Earth. Or so they had tried to make it. Even though it wasn’t real in any way and Lance knew that they were on a ship in the middle of open space, billions and billions of light years away from their actual home planet, it still manages to soothe Lance’s homesickness and nostalgia. It was only a little bit, but Lance was willing to take what he could get. 

What had really pulled the space together was, in fact, Kaltenecker. The cow reminded Lance of his home back on Earth. Their family farm tucked into their backyard was big and lush and home to many chickens, two goats, a dog, and a cat. The animals were divided by a fence only from the parts of the yard that contained Lance’s mothers' fruit and vegetable garden, as well as the path through the trees that lead directly onto the beach. 

The beach was Lance’s favorite place. It always had been the place he would go if he needed a lift in his spirits. It was the place that Lance’s family always knew they could find him. It was the place he had been taught to swim and surf and play beach soccer with his family. It was a fundamental part of his upbringing. So much so that any time he thought about it he would start to ache with a longing to return. 

If he closed his eyes he could smell the salt water wafting through the warm Cuban air. He could hear the soft thump of Spanish music somewhere down the shoreline. He could feel the sting of the sun and watch the horizon blur from a crisp, blue line to a hazy fire- like orange that made it so you could barely distinguish the ocean's edge from where it met the sky.

God, did Lance miss that beach. It was one of the things they simply could not adequately simulate in this room. There were, as Allura had explained, too many moving parts. It was easier to animate a few hundred thousand blades of grass than it was to do the same for trillions upon trillions of grains of sand. Or water that moves fluidly with nonexistent tides. It was a constantly changing environment minute to minute. Here, on this Earth- like field, it was more or less a stagnant place. But on the beach, there was something new to look at all the time. 

That’s partly what Lance was starting to resent about their space traveling days. The days where they could do nothing but fly through empty space towards their next location. It was stagnant and boring and repetitive. All things that pushed Lance’s buttons. He liked change and excitement and constant stimulation that allowed him to learn something new or sparked his curiosity. He loved exploring new planets and strategizing, and the days where they could do nothing but wait were extremely draining. 

He made do by keeping up his responsibilities to Kaltenecker and training on the training deck, but it still wasn’t easy. He felt… lonely. At least when Keith had been on the ship he had someone that was somewhat “his speed” that he could have fun competing with and antagonizing, but now, with everyone, so mission focused, Lance wasn’t of much use. 

He was more useful in the heat of battle, making snap decisions than he was calculating something, or tinkering with another thing to try and make it better. Give him a task where he had to use diplomacy and people skills? No problem. Ask him to try and squeeze his way out of a difficult situation? A little more difficult, but still accomplishable. Figure out how to improve the castle's defenses? It’s best to go to Pidge or Hunk.

So yeah, Keith was a bitch, Keith doesn't know how to properly handle other people’s emotions, let alone his own, Keith was always getting on his nerves, yes, yes yes, but… despite all of that, Lance, begrudgingly, missed him. Just a little bit. Before Keith had gone off and stomped on Lance’s emotions, they had actually started to get along. At least in some sense of the phrase. Their bickering sessions weren’t so much stabs to the chest anymore as they were elbow jabs in the side. Lance hadn’t intended for the shift to happen, it just kind of did, and Lance let it. 

Time is weird in space and Lance often loses track of it, so really he wasn’t completely sure of how long it had been since he had seen Keith but it had to have been a few months now. The battle at that lava planet was the last mission they had been on together, and Lance hadn’t seen him since then. 

They hadn’t left things on a good note, and that was Lance’s fault mostly, but Keith had been an asshole, and for that reason, he felt more justified and less guilty for leaving things the way they did. But anything he thought about, even if it was something as consuming as missing Earth, still, inexplicably, lead back to him and Keith’s situation. Lance wouldn’t admit it to himself, but it was affecting him more than he cared to notice.

Lance often ranted about his inner turmoil to Kaltenecker, who despite her lack of responsiveness and overall personality, was an effective outlet. Milking and feeding and grooming her took Lance back to earth. It took him back home, and it always managed to cheer him up a bit. He then would bring the milk to the kitchens for Hunk to make food with, and its addition to their meals made things taste more like home too. 

So he occupied himself mostly with Kaltenecker and training to distract himself from his Keith related problems, and it had worked well enough. That is until Keith finally came back.

Seeing him had just managed to make him all the more confused because it made him equal parts happy. Like thrilled happy, but also envious and irritated. Spiteful yet relieved. It was a clash of emotions Lance did not expect, nor did he have any idea of how to confront them. So, obviously, he didn’t. Not until that fateful day in the earth simulator. 

He had been spending his usual self-allotted time with Kaltenecker. Softly singing her a song while he went about his business cleaning and grooming her, yet this time, with this particular song on his lips, and a hurricane of emotions having stormed around relentlessly all week, he sort of just. Boiled over. 

The simulation read as nothing but a simulation that day and being within it didn’t make him feel eased in the slightest. The fragility of his emotional state had left him teetering on the edge of composure and completely melting down for far longer than what was probably healthy, and it had finally proved to be too much. He had ended up just sitting. Sitting leaned up against the enclosure that Kaltenecker usually stayed in, and just let himself deflate. 

Tears slowly drained out of his eyes one at a time, his nose grew stuffy and red, and his eyes shared the same color. 

It was so quiet and still, Lance could barely stand it. So he kept singing. Knees brought to his chest and arms wrapped tightly around them, he sang softly telling himself it was for Kaltenecker, but knowing, deep down that it was to calm himself. 

He had been so occupied that he hadn’t heard the woosh of the doors opening and closing. He hadn’t heard the tentative footsteps that approached him, and totally, did not at all scream at an octave that could have shattered glass when Keith spoke a weary “hey, Lance.”

Not only was Lance not used to people coming in to talk to him in this room, but it was Keith. Making matters worse. He looked… well, he looked good. Goddamnit Keith looked good… 

“Keith!!” Lance screeched, out of breath, hiding his face and standing up as quickly as he could. “What the fuck, dude!!! Do you know how to Fucking knock?!” 

“Oh- uh- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- the doors opened by themselves before I could-“

“I don’t care!” He said cutting him off. 

“Right…” Keith breathed, and then they both fell silent. Lance suddenly became very interested in a speck of dirt on Kaltenecker coat and focused all his attention on scrubbing it off. Keith on the other hand just stood there, shifting from foot to foot.

Lance grit his teeth. “Is there a reason why you're here?!” He growled. 

“Shiro said I could find you here,” Keith replied. “Do you need help? With the, uh, the cow?”

No. Lance replied. 

Keith nodded and took a little step back, looking more uneasy with every minute Lance stood, not speaking.

A few more minutes of the silence passed before Keith tried again. 

“I didn’t know you could sing...” He said, speaking up softly with surplus amounts of caution in each word. 

“I wasn’t singing,” Lance said suddenly turning to wash a different angle of the cow so Keith couldn’t see the red flushing his cheeks and the tears in his eyes. 

“Oh,” Keith said again. “Well, whatever it was, it was nice. Didn’t know you had a voice like that.”

Lance sighed, letting his shoulders slump. Why was Keith trying so hard? Keith never tried hard for anything! Yet here he was, trying to make conversation, and Lance still wasn't humoring him. What was happening to him? He didn't know why he was acting like this anymore. For whatever reason, He really was getting tired of all this. The insistence that Lance’s brain has on keeping up this hatred and jealousy for Keith, the refusal to let himself relax around him. Truthfully, he really couldn't pinpoint why exactly he did it. It was a rivalry, right? So why did it feel like he was the only one competing? 

“Lance- are you ok?” Keith asked, presumably having noticed that Lance had just minutes ago been sitting in a puddle of tears. 

“I’m fine!” Lance bit harshly. He kept washing and his back and forth movements were starting to border on violent. 

“Lance…” Keith said softly, but Lance ignored him. Or he was trying to. 

“Lance,” Keith said a little more urgently, stepping forward and pulling Lance’s hand away from Kaltenecker. 

“If you keep scrubbing like that you’ll end up hurting her.” He warned gently. 

Lance wasn’t used to Keith being gentle. But he couldn’t dwell on that fact as he had now become too overwhelmed with the sudden touch of Keith’s hand to his. 

He shot his head to look at him, forgetting momentarily about the puffy redness of his tear-filled eyes. 

Their eyes met briefly, stilling the both of them before Lance snapped back to reality and whipped his hand sharply out of Keith’s grasp. He turned back around again and felt his insides literally begin to cave in with embarrassment. Not only had Keith seen him crying, but he had heard him sing and scared him enough that he had jumped and screamed when he came in. This was essentially turning into a living nightmare. 

“Lance…” Keith said slowly, Lance able to detect the surprise in his voice clearly. “What’s going on? Are you ok?”

“Just leave me alone Keith,” Lance said weakly. 

“I’m not going to do that,” Keith replied, a little stubbornly. What’s going on? Are… are you still upset about what I- 

“This has nothing to do with you!” Lance cut in. You aren’t…. it’s just… it’s not you.

He felt himself beginning to lose control again, the tears behind his eyes unrelenting in their effort to fill his eyes.

“Just… I can’t…. I’m so fucking far from home ok? That’s why I’m being pathetic and crying alone with a cow! Now if you could leave me alone, I might be able to hold onto the last bit of my dignity…”

Lance had officially given up. He was full on crying now and all he could help to do was slump back down to the floor, and hug.

Suddenly though, out of nowhere, Keith was sitting down next to him. 

Lance flinched away from him, but Keith didn’t seem to notice. 

“Hey,” Keith said, quietly, “I get it. It’s not pathetic Lance. If it were me, I promise you I would have yelled at everyone and punched a hole in the wall six times over by now. We deal with difficult emotion differently, but I get it. My over the top aggression is like your excessive crying all the time! Both are fine!

Lance looked at Keith with a tearful deadpan stare. Was that you trying to comfort me just now? Because you're seriously shit at it.

Keith sighed. Yeah that was bad, wasn’t it… sorry.

You suck, Keith. Lance reiterated, expression unchanged.

Hey, I said I was sorry ok? I don’t usually.. do this… ever. Like never at all, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s fine if your upset. I get it.

You sound awfully aggressive for someone whos trying to be consoling. Lance said, knowing full well he was pushing Keith's buttons. 

“I know!!” Keith yelled, startling Kaltenecker. I can’t help it, Lance, at least I’m fucking trying ok?!

For the first time in what had been a long time of wallowing, Lance smirked, genuinely amused at Keith’s shortening fuse. For the first time in a while, Lance wasn’t bogged down by thinking constantly about his home. Maybe Keith had been able to give Lance what needed after all. 

Keith just glared at his smirk and turned to slump against the wall too, crossing his arms over his chest with a pout. “You actually are genuinely insufferable.” he groaned.

They sat like that for a while, Keith pouting and Lance reveling in the feeling or amusement rather than despair.

Eventually, both of their attitudes died off though, and they were both left to stare at everything around them in silence. Lance, though if someone asked, he probably would deny it, found himself studying Keith out of the corner of his eye. The way his face softened from being annoyed to calm and contemplative. The way his eyes flicked around as they looked at the fake simulation of Earth.

"It’s a song my mother used to sing," Lance said softly. "Being out here always reminds me of it."

With those words, Lance had surrendered. Given up. He was tired and lonely, so he would let himself indulge today. He would talk to Keith. 

Keith, who very much hadn’t expected Lance to say anything remotely like what he had said, was taken aback a bit. 

"Oh…" he stuttered out, in a quick attempt to not drop this very precious ball, irritation falling away from his voice. "Your mom sang too?"

Lance chuckled a bit, in spite of himself. "She would never stop." 

Keith smiled softly, turning to look away from Lance and back out at the horizon, the expression resting pleasantly on his face.

"There was a lady who worked at one of my foster homes like that," He replied. "I hated her though. She had this super annoying shrill voice. I think she was tone deaf…” 

“Your mom probably was a lot better. Especially if she was the one to teach you."

Lance had to take a moment to realize what Keith was talking about because not only had Keith just complimented him again, which was… odd, he had also just been reminded that Keith was an orphan. Lance always seemed to forget that about him. Hearing him talk about foster homes as a way to relate to the conversation because he didn't have stories of his own mother or family to recall was pretty sad to think about, and it had taken him a bit by surprise.

“Yeah, my mom was really good.” He said doing his best to brush it off and control the ever growing blush in his cheeks. Goddamnit, why was he blushing so much?!

“When I was little I insisted that I couldn't fall asleep without one of her lullabies. 

That sounds nice… Keith replied, sounding far away. 

Lance nodded. 

They fell into silence again, but Lance didn't feel uncomfortable with it. Not feeling uncomfortable in general was a bit of a surprise too, because Lance had expected that pouring a bit of his heart out to Keith of all people, would leave him with anything but a feeling of contentedness, but he was wrong. For whatever reason, this was nice.

“Hey,” Keith spoke up after a while, “want to get out of here for a bit?”

“And do what?” Lance asked

“Well you still haven’t proven to me that you know how to use that sword,” Keith said with a little smile. 

“Oh. Ohhh, ok then… alright, I see. You think you'll beat me and get a kick out of watching me loose to you is that it?”

“Maybe,” Keith smirked. “But you haven't exactly proven to me that there are any other possibilities… how about a spar? So we can see once and for all if you know how to use that fancy sword of yours?”

Lance knew better than to think he could win. He knew there was no possible way he could come out of this looking anything but clumsy and unpracticed against him, because hell, it was Keith. The guy owned a knife as an infant. But for some reason. Some unfathomable, inexplicable, incredibly odd reason, Lance didn't think he would mind. So he stood up, dusted himself off and smiled.

You’re on mullet. Lance replied.


	6. I Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is only going to focus on the present (the part of the chapter that usually comes first) and not have any past. It's simply because It's really long and important so I didn't want to overcomplicate it. ALSO: I made edits to the last parts of chapter 5 part 1 that influence the story so you might want to check it out! it's not a lot, just some changes in structure and a paragraph or two added! As always, enjoy this chapter and GIVE KEITH A HUG!!!! He'll need it.

***Post-Accident: Week 6, Day 5***

 

It hadn’t felt so much like a dream as it had a memory, though somewhere in his sleeping mind Keith still knew it not to be true. Even still, he longed for it endlessly the second his eyes opened to the bleak interior walls of Lance’s hospital room. 

At least he knew it wasn’t real, or waking up from it would have probably hurt him more, but even still, a part of him wanted to have thought it was real anyway because it had been a happy dream. A lovely, happy, beautiful dream that Keith would give anything to see manifest itself into reality. 

He had dreamed of Lance. He had dreamed of a world where the war hadn’t devastated their lives together. He dreamed of his hands, his eyes, and the deep blue that colored them. He dreamed of his smile, his laugh, his touch. He dreamed of Lance, so of course, it was beautiful.

The light of two suns poured through the window next to where Keith slept. It filled the room with beautiful tints of gold, from the dust that was illuminated where it floated around by the window, to Lance’s sleeping face beside him, everything was cast in the warmest and happiest shades of light. Keith was laying next to him, or should he say, on top of him, his head nuzzled into Lance’s neck and his legs intertwined with his. An arm stretched around his back to hold him closer, the other draped over his waist. Just like how they always managed to end up over the course of a night. 

In the dream, Keith seemed to know and understand where they were and why. Nothing felt odd or out of the ordinary. They were staying off ship on a planet, forming alliances of some kind, as they had done dozens of times before, and this was one of the moments where nothing was expected of them, and they had nothing to do but waste the day away in each other’s arms. 

In this dream when Keith kissed him, Lance’s eyes didn’t stay shut. 

They were sleepy, but Lance’s eyes still fluttered open to meet Keith’s and a lazy smile grew over his face. The arms he had around him that had been limp from sleep tightened and squeezed him close, as he brought Keith’s face back in front of his to give him a kiss of his own. A slow, meaningful and loving kiss that gave Keith chills.

Pulling back Lance ran his fingers through Keith’s tangled hair and laughed. 

“You’ve still got sex hair.” He grinned, working out one of the knots.

Keith blushed and scowled. “Hey, I’m not the one pulling my own hair, that’s all you, Mr. Grabby. I think you're more infatuated with my hair than you are with me.”

“Oh gross, me? In love with your mullet?! I’m insulted. Truly. What kind of taste do you think I have! When I pull I’m just trying to get your mullet off dude. Ruins the mood.”

Keith scoffed. “Didn’t seem like it ruined too much.”

Lance chuckled, squeezing his eyes shut happily and brushing his nose against Keith’s. 

“Nah your right. How could it when the rest of you is so sexy.”

“I hate you,” Keith grumbled, rolling over sharply to face the other way, which made Lance squeak with disappointment. 

“Hey! Where do you think you're going! We were so cozy! Get back here!” Lance whines flopping on top of Keith’s back to drape himself over him. 

“Not until you admit you’re obsessed with my hair and you love it and you're just lying,” Keith replied with a very Lance-like pout. 

“Ok fine!” Lance laughed. “You are the only person I believe will ever pull off a mullet!”

“It’s not a mullet!!!”

“You’re just in denial!”

“Oh, you-“ Keith growled, failing to suppress a grin until they both dissolved into a fit of laughter. He let Lance pull him back over and settled down next to him again, his head propped on his chest.

“Don’t think this means that this is over.” He growled.

“Babe, I doubt that it will ever be over.” Lance sighed. 

“It could be, but you’re just stubborn.”

“Who do you think I get it from?” Lance countered.

Keith chuckled a bit and stretched out over Lance comfortably, and they stayed like that for what felt like hours. Just the two of them together, left alone to indulge in each other to their heart's content. 

It was what Lance said after that stuck so prominently in Keith’s head after he woke up. Words that in some way or another really took a hold on Keith because of how badly he wanted to be able to uphold the promise that resulted from them. Words he had dreamed Lance repeating in almost every dream he had nowadays. 

“Keith.” He whispered softly. “Let’s make a promise to each other.”

“What kind of promise?” Keith asked. 

“Well. One that’s like a commitment… you know…. something to take seriously. The unbreakable kind.”

“I’ve never been someone who can be committed to one thing. I jump around, and my interests change all the time. Whenever I dated a girl I only intended it to be for fun. Not something serious. You know? I would move on, and do whatever was necessary to keep me from getting bored.”

“What are you saying…” Keith asked. 

“I’m saying that that isn’t what I want anymore. Not with you.”

“I don’t want that with you either,” Keith said back. 

“Then it’s perfect.” He smiled. “Let’s promise… that no matter what. Whatever the circumstances might be. Let’s promise each other that we’ll stay by each other’s side. I don’t care if we get in a fight, or one of us has to take a trip far away… let's just promise that we won’t let it change anything. That we will have each other for forever.”

“Are you… wait are you proposing to me right now?!” Keith asked, pushing away from Lance to get a clearer look at his face.

“Oh god no! Not yet, mullet, let’s at least be dressed before that happens. “This isn’t a proposal. It’s just a promise. One that goes beyond a relationship. Hell, you could hate my guts in 3 years for all I know. Apparently there here are infinite realities in which everything that could happen will happen, so who knows what’s possible! What I’m saying is that no matter what reality this is, whether you fall out of love with me, or were married and have 16 kids. Let’s just promise that we won’t be petty and we’ll still care about each other. That we’ll be there for each other no matter what.”

Keith felt the sting of tears hit his eyes and smiled. 

“Of course I’ll promise that, Lance.” He said. “Neither of those situations will happen, regardless.”

Lance furrowed his eyebrows. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Keith chuckled. “I promise we will NOT have 16 kids,” he grinned, “and… I promise that I will never fall out of love with you.”

“If there’s a me in another reality that says any different, I will go to him personally and slap him across the face.”

Lance laughed. “Really?” He smiled. 

Keith nodded, cupping Lance’s cheek in his hand. “Really.”

The look in Lance’s eyes made Keith's heart melt. He looked so happy. So full of life. So much like how he had looked when Lance had asked him this same thing all that time ago. Even though this was still his imagination- a trick if his subconscious, it didn’t make it any less real. Because Keith had really promised this to Lance. The same Lance that was lying unconscious right beside him. He promised, and this was one that he would never back out of. 

So yes when he opened his eyes, awakening from the very vivid dream, he did feel a little grim, but it meant nothing in contrast to what he had promised Lance.

Stretching, Keith stood up. Trying to purge the drowsiness from his body, and decided he’d go for a little run around the parking lots of the hospital to wake himself up. Before he left he stopped to give Lance a kiss, giving him a little smile, as he cupped his cheek, just like he had in the dream. 

“I promise,” he whispered.

Though when he turned to leave, he only made it as far as the door before he heard something.

Stopping cold, he stood, his feet frozen to the floor, his hand on the doorknob. For only a moment he wondered if it had just been a trick of his mind, but then he heard it again. The beeping of Lance's heart monitor had stuttered. 

A sound that had been constant and unchanged for so long that it barely registered in Keith’s radar now. Instead, it just faded into the background, expected to be the same as it always was. But Keith swore he heard it. He heard the stuttering the beeps. He heard something different come through that machine for the first time in what now had been months. 

Quickly he turned to face Lance’s bed. Eyes wide and fists clenched tight. His own heart beat furiously at the confines of his chest. He wasn't sure for a minute if he should be excited or terrified, not sure if this change meant something good of something bad, but then he saw it. Subtle and small, but still there all the same. Lance had shifted. Lance was stirring. Lance was waking up. 

No words found their way to Keith’s dry mouth. No sight other than the shifting of Lance’s body occupied his eyes. No movement felt possible. He was frozen, waiting and watching. 

And then it happened. 

A flash of blue appeared through Lance’s eyelids as he squinted and blinked them open. Lifting long slender arms up he rubbed at them and stiffly tried to sit upright, discomfort and confusion ebbed away at the peaceful sleeping look Lance had held for the past few months. The look that Keith had stared at hopelessly for so long and came to memorize completely fell as confusion grew to replace it. Lance held his hands out in front of his face to blink curiously at them, and then down at his bed and his hospital gown. 

Lance was awake. 

Watching it all unfold felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He was struggling to breathe. Struggling to do anything other than stand, paralyzed, and gape. His heart felt like it was swelling, his hands grew damp with sweat, and his limbs felt heavy in spite of the feeling of weightlessness that was consuming him out of his sheer relief and joy. Because there, right in front of him Sitting upright in his soft blue hospital gown with a slightly startled took on his face, brown hair ruffled softly, and face so full of life was Lance. 

His eyes were open and blinking, so vibrant and blue… Tears stung Keith's eyes as he looked at him. His Lance, awake, alert, and safe. 

“Oh my god…” he choked in barely more than a whisper. “Oh my god....”

Lance heard it and it seemed to startle him. His blue eyes going wide as he shot his gaze over to where Keith stood by the door, even more, startled than he had looked before. 

But Keith barely noticed, and suddenly he was running. Running and crashing into his arms, tucking his face into Lance’s neck. Feeling the warmth of his skin against his and the tightness in his muscles that had been absent in his sleep. He gripped onto Lance and never wanted to let go. Joy consuming him so completely. His heart felt like it was bursting at the seams. A grin larger than any Keith had ever made took over his face and spread his happiness to every nerve in his body enough that he was shaking. Tears blurred his vision completely so he opted to just squeeze them shut and feel Lance against him.

He woke up... he was alive! Keith couldn’t contain the cheer that was pounding through his chest. He wanted nothing more than to just hold him... feel the beat of his heart and the breathing of his lungs, he wanted to stare into those open blue eyes until the end of time itself.

He was so worked up with emotion that it took several seconds longer than what would have probably been proper to realize that Lance was very stiff under his grasp. 

Pulling away, concerned, he looked Lance up and down, asking frantically, “Oh did I hurt you? Oh gosh, I’m so sorry I wasn’t even thinking! Are you in pain?”

Lance, all the while, looked terribly confused.

“Are you ok?” Keith asked breathlessly, suddenly out of his surprise enough to sense that something could be wrong. 

Lance seemed to shrink in on himself at Keith’s questions, only looking more confused, and apparently at a loss for words. 

Keith felt himself deflate a little, suddenly realizing how unhelpful and ignorant he was being. Of course... of course, Lance would be stiff and startled. He had just woken up from a coma... Keith expecting him to fling himself straight into his arms was unrealistic and unfair. 

Feeling guilty Keith offered Lance an understanding look. “Oh.. right.” He said.. “Sorry I just.. I'm so… I’m so happy your ok, Lance. Keith said, feeling his body shake with the surplus of emotions that had hit him like a truck. His voice shook too as he continued, still so overwhelmed that tears streamed down his face. I missed you so much. So.. so much Lance. It’s been so long and god I was so worried- I… I’m just… I’m so happy you’re ok. You-“

It was then that Keith cut himself off. He searched Lance’s blank expression with concern. And the reality of this situation started to sink in. Lance was acting so unlike himself. He hadn’t said a word. Not offered any reciprocation, not having even made an attempt to. He really did look... lost...

“Lance....” he spoke again slowly, coming to a terrifying realization. “... Do you… you know who I am, right?”

What Keith had imagined happening next was Lance laughing and saying something like. “Of course I do, sorry babe, I just am disoriented that’s all! Then he would start asking questions like “Where am I?” Or “what happened? How long was I out?” But none of that happened. Instead, Lance just stared at him, open, confused, and void of any notion that he had anything to hide. 

“No....” he said softly. “I’m... um... I don’t recall... I’m sorry…”

Keith’s heart stopped cold in his chest, and suddenly everything around him felt like it was crashing down. His ears rang loudly, and his chest felt like it was collapsing with dread. He had taken a complete 180 and went from flying through the clouds to free falling down to the ground, completely out of control. 

Keith recoiled from Lance, separating himself as far as he could in his current state of what he hoped was insanity. This was a dream, this was a fucking dream. It HAD to be a dream. This had to be a dream, but every time he looked directly into Lance’s eyes it was all too vivid. To real. 

Sir...? Lance questioned softly, eyeing Keith and still looking hopelessly lost in spite of his attempt at a polite tone that he was using to probably soften the jaggedness of his confused voice. 

Had... had Lance just addressed him as... sir? Keith couldn’t believe this was happening. Suddenly he was paralyzed again. Breath erratic and eyes unmoving from Lance’s. 

It probably could have lasted for hours if Anna hadn’t come in when she did. 

She had said something casual as she came in, realizing suddenly that Lance was awake with excitement before she noticed something was wrong. 

She looked back and forth between the two men for a minute before she directed her attention to Lance, who was staring at her blankly. 

“I’m... so glad to see that your up!” She said, hesitating a bit and doing her best to act normal. “I’ve been so looking forward to meeting you after how much this one's told me about you.” She said with a gesture to Keith and a smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Uh… I’m ok I guess…” Lance said. “I- um- I have a bit of a headache, and I-“

“He doesn’t know who I am,” Keith spoke up, interrupting abruptly. They both looked to Keith and Anna blanched. 

“Oh…” she breathed. Trying to remain composed. 

“Yeah…” Lance confirmed, his eyebrows drawing together. “I don’t think I- am really sorry... should I know who you are?” He asked gently, looking at Keith. 

Keith wanted to die. Should he know who he is? What was this nightmare? He wanted to scream. Cry, he wanted to tell Lance ‘yeah I’m the person you’ve shared a bed with for the past 4 years! You know who I am!!’ But he opted to hold his tongue between his teeth instead. 

“Hun, can you try and tell me your name?” Anna asked cautiously. 

Lance opened his mouth to speak when suddenly he stuttered, a look of realization passing over his face. 

“I... I can’t... I don’t remember…” His eyes widening enough so you could see the physical struggle going on in his brain as he tried to recall something... anything. 

A fear Keith had no trouble in recognizing consumed Lance’s face. He shot his head back to the nurse, looking more and more panicked. “I don't know my name!” 

“You can’t remember?” Anna asked cautiously.

“N-no! I…”

Then suddenly he turned back to Keith. “Wait, you said a name when you saw me... you said, Lance. Lance- is that my name?” He asked. “Is my name Lance?”

Keith’s face looked as heartbroken as he felt when he nodded tears stinging his eyes painfully. “Yeah…” he whispered. “Your name is Lance. Lance Emiliano Sanchez…”

Anna scribbled something down on a clipboard before she looked back up to the two, giving a brief pointed look of sorrow in Keith’s direction. 

How about your age or your birthday? Can you tell me either of those? She asked quietly.

Lance looked devastated. Keith could read it off his face like he was a book. 

“No..." he said, looking down at himself, almost as if he was ashamed. “I don’t know…” 

Anna’s face fell. 

“You’ll be 24 in July,” She said softly. “That’s a little over a month from now.”

“Oh my god…” Lance breathed shakily, putting two nervous hands through his hair in the way he always did when he got overwhelmed. 

Keith couldn’t stand it. He hated it. It was a visceral, terrifying feeling because A wall suddenly existed between them that hadn’t in so many years. A barrier that prevented him the freedom to be able to go right up to Lance and comfort him. Hold him. Whisper soothing words, and let him nestle into his side and tell him it was ok. It felt wrong, foreign, and uncomfortable. So much that he literally ached.

“Can you tell anything about where we are Lance?” Anna continued.

“A- a hospital... He said. You’re a nurse, and this is a hospital room... I’m in a hospital gown.. he said looking back down at himself. 

“Good!” The nurse said feigning enthusiasm and writing something else down. “You’re correct in saying we’re in a hospital, and that’s a positive sign, Mr. Sanchez.” Anna continues to encourage. 

“Just one more question for you. Would you perhaps know what happened to you? Why you are here?” 

“I don’t know, does it have anything to do with the fact that I don’t know anything?” He asked looking like he felt more and more helpless as each minute passed. 

“That's my guess,” Anna said, sympathetic. You were in a coma for nearly 4 months. An average coma lasts just a few weeks. The longer someone stays under, the worse the condition of the patient. You’re likely to have complications we don't even know yet. I would be very surprised if you didn’t, considering how long your coma lasted, unfortunately. 

Anna continued explaining Lance’s situation to him but her words began jumbling together. Panic was the only thing Keith could sense. Doctor Allen had explained to Keith numerous times that the longer someone stayed in a coma the less likely they were to come out completely ok, that is if they woke up at all. He didn't even deny it after Keith showed him Pidge’s devices. They were words Keith had tried to ignore for his own peace of mind... words he did his best to ignore so he could still have hope. Irrational, yes, but even more comforting. 

Never though, did he think for one second, warnings, pessimism, and all, that this was possible. 

Dread and panic and completely paralyzing fear shook him to the core and removed him from his surroundings completely. He was starting to cave in on himself and the longer he stayed here, the more likely he would fall apart. Right in front of Lance. 

“Now that you’re awake we should do some testing and try to figure out-” Anna was continuing, but before she could finish her sentence, Keith turned sharply and barreled out of the room, moving so quickly that both Anna and Lance looked up in surprise as they watched him leave.

Keith’s ears were ringing, his heart was pounding, his chest swelling with something so painful that he couldn’t even think straight. A built-up energy beckoned him to tear through the halls of the hospital, punch a wall, kick over anything in his way, and he might have done that, if not something worse, had he not happened to stumble upon the door to the balcony. 

Bursting through the doors he ran to the farthest railing. Not caring if other people were around. Not caring about anything, all he could help to do was scream. He screamed over the treetops and into the sky up at the universe. He screamed For so long and so loud that his throat felt like it had ripped in half. He gripped the railings so hard his knuckles turned white. His choked sobs were making it harder and harder to breathe, and slowly he just crumbled to the ground. His tears stung and blinded his eyes. He was shaking violently, virtually falling apart at the seams. 

A mantra of no’s flooded every thought in his head. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. This wasn’t right. Lance didn’t deserve this. He didn’t fucking deserve this!!

He could do nothing but hunch over and gasp desperately for air. He felt like he was dying and all of his systems were failing on cue. He felt broken and completely helpless. Had it not been for Shiro's sudden appearance, he could have fallen apart even more.

Shiro had been on his way to Lance’s room, completely unaware of everything that was going down, had seen Keith crash through the doors to the balcony. He saw the nearly purple flush of his face, the fists clenched at his sides, the tears that streamed down from his red, puffy eyes. He heard the strangled cries that tore through his throat and all of it instantly made his heart stop. A million things were flying through his head, and they all came to one conclusion. And at the thought, he was running after Keith. 

Down the long hall, past concerned workers and patients alike. He took off after him, suddenly not caring about anything else.

Coming abruptly through the doors, He found Keith crumpled, sobbing on the floor and his heart sank to his stomach. 

“Oh god…” he muttered shakily, feeling the tears start to sting his eyes as panic flooded his being. “Oh god no… no… Keith…”

Don’t say he died. He thought frantically to himself. Please don’t say he’s dead.

Heart already fractured into a million pieces, he rushed to him, sliding to Keith’s level on his knees, gripping Keith by the shoulders and lifting him up so he could look him in the eyes through his own tears.

“Keith.” He choked, “Keith…” With a reaction like this, Shiro couldn’t think of any other options. Lance had died. He was gone. 

Shiro pulled Keith into a hug, equally for himself, as much as it was for Keith. He didn’t want to hear him say it. He didn’t want to hear those words leave his mouth. 

But instead, Keith, his voice virtually gone, rasped out the last words Shiro had expected to hear. 

“He doesn’t remember me.”


	7. Selfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a bit longer to come out because I got distracted working on the art I've decided to add to this fic! Yay art!! but sorry about the delay again. I don't want to add the art I have until I've got at least 2 pieces for every chapter I've put out so far, so you can probably expect to see it added in the next couple of chapters! I really want this to be a fully fleshed out fic, so I'm giving it a bit more beef with art and chapter titles and the works. It's going to develop as the story progresses so stay tuned! :) Now for chapter 7 just before season 7 comes out! (I'm terrified) Happy reading!

 

***Pre-Accident: Week 10, Day 3***

 

Lance was going insane. He was sure of it. There was no other explanation for the things he was feeling. It had him on edge all week making him panicky and fretful. The worst thing about it was that he couldn’t even put a name to his feelings, just that they were there and that they all had something to do with Keith. 

Keith was being actually a decent guy and if it was even possible, that somehow infuriated Lance even more than when he was being his usual dickhead self.

Lance was pretty sure the shift in his mood towards him specifically was some kind of a result of his guilt for unabashedly shitting on Lance in the most uncool of ways Lance had ever been shit on. 

Sure, Lance deserved to be shit on the other times that it had happened to him. He could admit to that. This though was completely uncalled for. Lance knew it, Hunk knew it, Shiro knew it, Kaltenecker knew it, the space mice knew it, so Keith probably knew it too, and because he’s Mr. perfect who never makes mistakes, he’s probably guilty in ways that he never has been before and feels the need to overcompensate without even realizing that he was overcompensating. Yeah, that had to be it. 

What was the absolute worst of all though, was that it was working. His efforts to be a genuinely nice person towards Lance were wearing away at his angry resolve that kept him always at an arm's length from his rival, and that made Lance uncomfortable. 

What Lance didn’t know was that Keith was equally as confused with himself. This sort of thing… this desire to win a person's approval was relatively foreign to him, and yet here he was vying tirelessly for Lance’s. Attraction aside, Keith honestly just wanted to be friends at the very least, and he did feel like he had been able to make some headway there.

For one thing, he had sparred with Lance right after engaging in a legitimately genuine and vulnerable conversation. Keith hadn’t intended it to happen, he honestly still couldn’t figure out why he had gone out of his way to find him that day. 

He had literally just gone in with no plan whatsoever on what to say, so in the long run, he was happy that Lance had been upset. It gave him a sort of jumping off point that he wouldn’t have had otherwise. It instead would have just been awkward, which, granted, wasn’t uncommon between the two of them, but Keith was much happier that things turned out the way they did instead. 

And it had done a lot of good too. Lance sparred with him in a sword fight and Keith learned that he wasn’t completely helpless with a blade after all. It was something they had both agreed to keep doing even though it was much more beneficial to Lance than it was to Keith, as Keith literally was 100 levels above the difficulty level they were sparing at and basically wasn’t even trying. But that didn’t matter to either of them. Surprisingly…

It had been weird for the both of them, but not bad. They could coexist more now than they had ever been able to in the past, and neither of them was complaining. 

Shiro was almost giddy, which Keith had previously thought to be impossible. He checked up with Keith almost daily to ask him how his efforts with Lance were going, among other things. Giving him things to say to him, starting conversations, instructing him on how to be a decent person in general. Without Shiro, this… thing that Keith and Lance had going (if you could even call it that) would have probably already crashed and burned.

He had to continuously remind himself though, that this wouldn’t amount to anything. He knew that… he had known it from the start. Lance wasn’t going to fall in love with him. Lance wasn’t going to put in effort to make their relationship anything more than a friendship. And considering them to even be friends was a stretch. 

Lance considered them to be acquaintances at the best of times and Keith… all Keith knew was that what he wanted, and what was really between them were two very different things. 

But Lance was ignorant to his frustrations all the same, too busy doing his best to keep up their distance as much as possible because yes, he was still mad at Keith and he really wanted Keith to know it. So he would be tolerant… but distant.

He contemplated all this with a tired huff and adjusted the neckline on the Altean garbs he was currently dressing in. 

Lance probably wouldn’t have chosen to wear anything that remotely resembled what he was wearing as it wasn't exactly his style, but this event was one Allura insisted they had to dress up for and because none of them owned any other clothes on this ship other than what they had been wearing when they first left Earth in the blue lion all that time ago, there really weren’t many other options. 

So Lance, albeit begrudgingly, accepted the clothing Allura had given him which was apparently some kind of traditional formal wear for the paladins of Voltron. Lance would really have rejected them had he not met the king of the planet they had just liberated a few hours ago and seen for himself how easily offended he got. 

Pidge had yawned and he basically threw a fit. It took all the rest of the time there to convince him that this was not an earthling sign of disrespect, and they literally had to put together an impromptu presentation explaining the nature of a yawn which included input from some of their own doctors and scientists, just so he would calm the fuck down. He accepted it eventually and then proceeded to invite them to a ball of some sort in their honor, in thanks for saving their planet. 

At this point, no one, except for maybe himself despite his initial annoyance, was looking forward to going to this thing after the yawning incident, but refusing would definitely not go over well with the king so really, they had no choice. Lance loved a good party, no matter the circumstance, but this king guy had a pretty big stick up his ass so how fun could it be really?

Lance, frankly, wasn’t sure of what to think of the required formalwear. A red cape draped over his shoulders, pulling together at the neck. Under it, he wore thin, very flexible type armor that looked like the paladin suits, but they were in no way made for battle and had a little more flare. Dashes of gold enhanced the design and made the suit look fancier. 

He guessed it was fine for one night, and who was he kidding? He could pull off anything. With that final thought and one last look in the mirror, he sauntered out, heading for the pod hangar where they were all meeting to travel back to the planet. 

To no one's surprise, Lance was the last to show up, Shiro, Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Coran were already standing at the pod and dressed in similarly decorative armor and capes when he arrived.

“Wow,” he smirked encouragingly, “you all look great! So dashing, really. There’s no way we can piss of the king looking this hot. Oh especially you princes, the pink and gold in your suit with that blue cape really bring out all the color in your eyes.” He said all this with a grin and blinked dopily at Allura unamused face. 

“Yes… right…” Allura replied doing her best not to be completely annoyed. “Thank you, Lance.”

“Should we be going then?” Shiro asked patting the side of the pod. “Yes, we should. It’s probably best not to be late.” Allura nodded, leading everyone inside. 

“Ugh you got that right,” Hunk groaned. “Literally, who does that guy think he is?! I mean yeah a king but like all Pidge did was yawn! Am I the only one who’s still not over that?!”

"You aren’t," Pidge mumbled grumpily, flopping next to Hunk in the pod, her arms crossed tightly. 

“Ah- woah there number five, and you too number two. No pouts on this pod, if you don’t want to make the Delphurian king angry, we’ve got to have smiles all around!” Coran piped up. 

“Yeah guys, just relax,” Lance said with a smile spreading out and taking up an entire three-person seat. “It’ll be fine!” 

Fine, it was not. Not at all. Never had Lance been so not fine in his entire life. And again, he couldn't even put into words why he wasn’t fine other than to say it had something to do with Keith. 

The party was lavish, and Lance had actually been having a good time. He garnered plenty of attention for himself through various female specimens who giggled when he turned their way, being liberal with his flirting and finding it refreshing that unlike Allura, they didn’t seem to mind it. He perused the incredible assortment of food with Hunk as he raved about every detail, he even socialized with the king for a bit with Shiro and Allura. If you were extremely cautious of everything you said to him at all times, he was actually a pretty decent guy. 

So yes, he had been having a good time. That is until a certain group of Galra soldiers known as the Blade of Marmora happened to walk into the ballroom and ruin Lance’s entire goddamn night. No- Lance took that back. It wasn’t the blades that ruined his night. It was one blade in particular.

"Keith!" Shiro said chipperly as he walked over to them. "Surprised to see you here! I didn’t think you all would come."

"Well once we heard about the incident there really wasn’t a choice. We helped liberate the planet and they invited us here, after what happened to you guys, I doubt it would have worked out ok if we had refused." 

The group, with the exception of Lance, all laughed a little uncomfortably at that. Sure he probably would have laughed too had he not been too busy staring at Keith. Keith was fucking- he had his fucking mullet tied back in a little bun and his hair was actually combed. Like it looked like Keith had actually put effort into himself for once. His skin almost seemed to be glowing under the lights of the ballroom, which, Lance thought begrudgingly, was probably just natural and took no effort. At least not in the ways Lance put in effort. And his eyes, which were now more visible through his bangs almost…. Glimmered… 

Lance shook his head and cleared his throat discreetly, unsure of why his face was heating up. He cast his gaze to the ground, finding it extremely difficult for some reason not to look back up at him. He was curious… that was all. He had never seen Keith look like this and, well, he was just curious. His blades suit remained but the hoods and masks were down on every member of the blade which was probably their equivalent of Voltron's more formal attire. 

It wasn’t even that Keith looked all that different! He just looked… more formal… and it was weird. 

It remained weird for the remainder of the night. Everyone had split up to mingle on their own, and as much as Lance wanted to partake, he still was distracted because Keith- aloof, socially challenged, stand-offish, angry, intimidating, and aggressive, Keith… was talking with people too. Not hanging around in the corner, not pouting, but actually seeming to enjoy himself. It was totally unlike him and the new persons he was sporting had captured the attention of not just Lance, but what seemed like every single other person at the party as well.

The people he was talking with now were very clearly flirting with him. Keith didn’t seem to notice, of course he didn’t… he had no idea that they were literally swooning over him right to his face and for whatever reason, it made something inside him stir. Suddenly, without warning, Lance was walking over to where Keith stood. Acting without even thinking, Lance took a deliberately large step forward once he was close enough and tripped over himself. Spilling his drink at their feet. 

"Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!"

Lance said pushing past Keith to confront the alien who was now soaked from the knees down. He helped them clean up and successfully steered their attention away from Keith who they had dismissed after the accident. 

Lance had proceeded to do a similar thing in many ways throughout the course of the night, like aggressively flirting with someone in conversation with Keith, or just in general, making any conversation Keith was in an uncomfortable one. 

He tried to play it off as a joke to Keith like he was just pranking everyone for the fun of it, but Keith didn’t seem too enthused. 

"Lance, could you accompany me for a stroll? I’d like to take a breather." Keith asked, his tone a little bit louder than was probably necessary. 

"Uh…. I mean-" Lance tried to say but Keith cut him off, laughing. 

"Your hesitance is amusing Lance, luckily I know you well enough to know that you don’t mind, come on, let’s go," Keith said, an almost invisible bite to his words. 

Ever so subtly, Keith took hold of his arm and yanked him forwards to walk down the hall just outside the ballroom. 

"The king spoke of the surrounding areas of the ballroom. I think they are worth exploring a bit per his suggestion, don’t you think?" Keith said casually. 

Lance would have responded, but the hint of a glare in Keith’s eyes told him not to. They walked for a bit, through crowds of people also in the hall before finally coming into a clearing.

Acting insanely fast, Keith had checked for people surrounding them, grabbed Lance with a force that he couldn’t escape the grasp of simply because he was too strong, and shoved him into a dark room that Lance hadn’t even known was there, all within a span of three seconds. 

"Keith-!" He spluttered, back held to the wall from Keith’s grip on his shoulders. "What are you-"

"Shhh!" Keith snapped, head turned away from him as he listened just beyond the door. 

As Lance’s eyes adjusted to the darkness, he too heard the sound of footsteps outside the door and waited in the darkness for them to fade away. As soon as they were gone, Keith shot his head back to Lance. 

"Ok, honest to god, what in the fucking hell is going on Lance?!" Keith asked in a harsh whisper. "Why are you doing this?!

"Doing what?!" Lance replied, slightly stunned by the complete 180 in his demeanor.

"Causing drama with literally anyone who speaks to me!" 

Lance scoffed, not having even realized that’s what he was doing. "Why…" he thought of a way to respond. "Why are you talking to so many people?!"

"I’m following orders, Lance!!! Was that not clear enough?! The king is a maniac, and could break off our alliances for literally the smallest thing! My instructions are to humor him until we can go and that means I have to act like I’m enjoying his party. It’s called acting! And why the hell do you care if I’m talking to people?!"

For the second time now, Lance was stuck for a reply. "Because…" Lance stammered. "What if they have bad intentions?! We don’t know these people!" 

It was a lie, but he had to lie because it wasn’t until Keith asked that Lance realized he had no idea why he cared. At all. 

"You honestly think I would have a problem protecting myself Lance? My guess is that those highlife socialite party guests aren’t trained in hand to hand. And regardless, we were invited to a party where mingling with them is expected! So stop worrying about what I’m doing, because I’m actually doing what I’m supposed to be doing, and start worrying about what you are doing because you’re making a scene and you’re going to end up screwing this whole alliance if you keep at it!"

"Do you even realize how important it is that we stay on good terms with this planet? There are people all around this ball that will report back to the king and if the king deems any of their reports to be disrespectful, like. I don’t know…. a paladin of Voltron and a Blade squabbling at his party in front of his guests, that could seriously do some damage!"

Lance honestly hadn’t even realized the extent of what he had been doing. He had just acted on an impulse and somehow ended up here. Keith was right, that much was obvious, but for the life of him, Lance could not identify how or why he had even let it get this far. Why has he been interfering in the first place? Keith could do whatever the hell he wanted. Why had he cared? 

Keith was still talking when his thoughts wandered back to their current predicament. He hadn’t realized until now how close they were, or just his small this room was, and coming to notice it made Lance’s chest tight. At least that was a feeling he could somewhat understand. He was uncomfortable, right? That was all it was. He must just be uncomfortable that Keith was so close…. 

"Now when we go back out there, act like you’re enjoying yourself. Act like you’re having the time of your life. Hell, this is a party, you should’ve had no problem doing that without acting."

Little did Keith know that before he had shown up, that is exactly what Lance had been doing, he just didn’t know why he had stopped once the Blades arrived. 

"So just go out there," Keith continued, "and make the king happy, got it?"

All Lance could do to respond at that moment was nod. For whatever reason, he didn’t have the words to speak back. He simply followed Keith’s instructions. Checking if the coast was clear they walked back into the party and Lance acted. 

He acted like he still wasn’t thinking about Keith or caring about what he did. He acted that night on the way back to the castle as he chatted with the other paladins that he wasn’t distracted. He acted while putting himself to bed like he wasn’t still trying to get the thought of Keith pressed up against him in that dark room out of his head. He acted like he hadn’t realized that it hadn’t made him uncomfortable at all, and most importantly, he acted as though he didn’t want it to happen again. He told himself over and over until sleep finally fell over him that his heart hadn’t been pounding in his chest for any reason other than the fact that he was uncomfortable because that would be weird, right? That would be weird.

 

***Post-Accident: Week 6, Day 6***

 

The morning air felt cold. The Arizona desert seemed to be lost under a sea of chilled air like sand at the bottom of the ocean. Big and expansive as it had always been but just… cold. Unfriendly and unafraid. 

It was a feeling that said if something broke, it would not be broken gently. Ice would shatter and collapse under the feet of someone who thought they couldn’t possibly feel any colder. That Is... until they plunged into the waters beneath them, at the will of the ice that had yes, been cold, but kept them from something much worse nonetheless. Today, however, that feeling belonged solely to Keith. He felt isolated in this pain. He felt so completely alone.

Keith, who had walked so cautiously over the cracking ice, not letting himself believe that he would fall, was struck with the worst reality the universe could have given him. Throughout it all, he would not look down at the cracks under his feet, he refused to listen to the sounds of impending disaster and therefore never expected the collapse to be such a brutal one. 

Truthfully, all his effort had not and could never have delayed or stopped the inevitable. He realized this now as he fell through the ice, drowning into numbing waters until he landed amongst the desert like sand that covered the bottoms of a relentless sea. Only there was no frozen ocean. No drowning…. Just a pain that made something that was as impossible as the desert freezing over somewhat of a reality within the confines of his chest. Pain, and numbness seeping into his core where there used to be the warmth of hope, as foolish as it might have been. 

He wanted to be cold again. He wanted to be walking on the ice. Because as awful as it had been, there was still hope. Now, all he could feel was numb and that… that was so much worse. 

Keith hadn’t seen him for almost a week now. He had counted every day. Lance was alive and yet, for Keith, he may as well have been dead. 

Shiro had taken him to his apartment that he had not yet stepped a foot in even once. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t until Lance could come with him. But he ended up coming without him anyways and it broke him so much that he could never stay for very long. 

Waking up alone in a room on earth that he had always intended to be shared by the both of them almost felt worse than waking up in the hospital. The bed was too big without him. Everything felt too quiet without the subtle sound of his breathing or the beeping of the heart monitor. Lance had never existed here. Keith was alone. 

So, usually unable to stand it for very long, Keith left. Taking his bike into the middle of nowhere just trying to distract himself in any way he could. Riding at backbreaking speeds or screaming into the emptiness. Crying out in pain freely, knowing that nobody was near enough to see the depths of the cracks in his facade. Today he had landed here In the desert on yet another cold, grim morning, alone, and feeling more hopeless with each passing second. 

He had let his phone die and hadn’t bothered to find his charger. He had let himself drown. This was his fault. This was his doing. Lance had done it for HIM. HE was responsible and now Lance thought he was a stranger. He had done this to himself. Lance was in this predicament because of Keith. There was no one to blame but himself. 

Keith flopped down on the sand, his back propped against his bike as he looked out into the horizon from underneath the small little nook he found in the rock formations that dotted the landscape. A steady well of tears pooled in his eyes, but it didn’t matter because he couldn’t see anything other than the look in Lance’s face. The look of being completely and genuinely confused, without an ounce of recognition passing over his features. He had no idea who he was. 

It had been an absolutely dreadful week of this. Not able to do anything but sit and let everything unfold out of his control.

He dug his nails into his palm, making fists with both his hands to try to keep himself in control. Had he been younger he probably would have lashed out aggressively, but now even though he had a little bit more self-control, keeping himself together was still incredibly difficult and the only reason he bothered to was because he had promised to. He promised that no matter what he would be there for Lance, and that meant not falling apart. That meant being strong for him. 

As much as he wanted to stand by his promise though, he was seriously not sure if he would be able to face Lance again. To be in the same room as Lance and see that… blank look in his eyes again. He knew it was selfish. So fucking selfish, but the thought of having to see him like that again was enough to make him dive into another fit of uncontrollable panic and pain. 

After all the time he had spent simply trying to allow himself to love and then figuring out that he loved Lance, it just killed him, even more, to have him ripped away like this. 

Keith spent hours like that, just stewing in his emotions in the desert floor. He watched the sun arch across the sky until it started to dip into the western horizon. He couldn’t get himself to move. 

When he heard the whir of an engine and the sound of footsteps making their way through the sand behind him, he wasn’t even surprised. Of course, he found him. Of course, Shiro was here. 

But when the figure moved to take a seat beside him, he was a bit surprised to see that it wasn’t Shiro, but Hunk. 

Keith blinked at him, probably very obviously confused, but Hunk didn’t even look at him when he said, “Pidge put a tracker on your bike.” And left it at that. 

It was a while before either of them spoke again, and Keith guessed it was probably because neither of them could gather the words to speak. Hunk, like Keith, was probably not in the greatest mindset either. When he did speak though, it hit Keith like a punch to the gut. 

“Do you realize how incredible Lance is?”

Keith looked at him again, eyes wide. “What?” He asked. 

“He only had the tiniest little thread to hang onto his life with and somehow he wove it into a rope and climbed it back up. Like it’s actually insane to comprehend. People don’t just do that.”

“And the only complication he comes out of it with is not knowing who any of us are? That’s unheard of.”

He doesn’t remember you either? Keith asked. 

“Not a bit.” Hunk Sighed. “He looked at me and gave me this confused but like, polite smile that was just so obviously forced, and man, It killed me.” 

Keith’s heart sank. 

“But then,” Hunk continued suddenly, “I sat down and I talked to him and he was Lance… in a different way, but he was still Lance, and he was still the person that became my best friend even if he didn’t know it and we got along so well and I just couldn’t stop smiling, because after thinking he was dead, and then thinking he could never wake up, suddenly we were sitting together, talking, and I was just so happy because he’s ALIVE.”

For the first time since Hunk sat down, he turned to Keith and looked him in the eyes. “He’s alive Keith. And he’s still Lance. Maybe there are some pieces in his puzzle that got scrambled a bit or lost altogether but he’s here. He’s with us, and that is an actual miracle.”

Hunk sighed again, turning back to face the horizon. 

“I can’t even begin to comprehend how horrible this must be for you, and I’m sure you don’t need anyone reminding you of that, but I just want you to know that in some way, I get it.”

“I obviously didn’t have the relationship you had with him, I wasn’t engaged to him, there are still things I don’t know about him and that's because I was his friend, not his fiancé, so the scales are a little weighted in your favor, but that just proved to me how much more you could benefit from having somebody help you remember that he’s alive. He is ok, and that is more than any of us thought we could ask for.”

And then suddenly, to Hunk’s surprise, Keith put his head in his hands and started to cry. 

There were only a few times Hunk had actually seen Keith full on cry, and the majority of them (which was two out of the three) were in the past month. After Witnessing Lance’s accident that put him in the coma, at his apartment on the Friday dinner night he came to, and now. He hadn’t even seen him cry in the hospital, he was just his usual, guarded self. But here, now, Keith was sobbing, and it still managed to knock the wind out of Hunk with his uncommon of a thing it was to witness. 

Hunk, feeling that he may have come off a bit strong, patted Keith on the shoulder in an attempt at comfort. He had become worried that his outburst had been his fault until he heard him choke “I don’t even deserve him,” between his sobs. 

“What?” Hunk asked, confused. 

“I don’t fucking deserve him Hunk! I’m horrible!”

“W-why- what in the hell makes you think that?!”

“I’m so selfish…” he whimpered, ignoring Hunk’s question. “What the hell is wrong with me?!”

“Woah, Keith, buddy” Hunk said, fully turning towards him. “What’s the problem?! Why are you saying that?!”

“BECAUSE I’D RATHER HE STILL BE STUCK IN A COMA! Keith screamed. I- I'd rather he be clinging to his life again…! I’d have ANYTHING over this…”

“I… I should be thrilled- elated that he’s alive and he’s ok, just like you. I should have no problem accepting this!! I should be thankful, but I’m not! In some sick, twisted way, it’s worse! I- I would rather him be on death's door than not know who I am! Because it’s all about me! I’m so fucking selfish Hunk! I- I…”

Hunks stomach dropped. His heart hammering and his hands clammy. 

“Keith…” he said softly, his voice cracking with emotion.

“Somehow it’s worse that he’s alive. It’s worse because I can’t hold him. I can’t kiss him or talk to him like I did in the hospital or before the accident. I can’t tell him I love him or do anything with him… I have to be a stranger! I have to pretend like none of this was real! Because I know him Hunk, If he doesn’t remember anything, he most certainly wouldn’t know that he even had the capacity to love me or see me as anything more than a friend. I’ve been through this with him before!”

“I can’t be with him because he’ll be uncomfortable. He’ll be afraid. I can’t even try because I’m already being so selfish, I’d only hurt him more if I told him what we were and put that on him all of a sudden. He needs to realize it for himself, I can’t push him to do that. I can’t force him to feel something he won’t understand. It would break him. So I’ve got to keep my distance and that means I can’t love him to his face and I’d rather him be on his deathbed than have to deal with that… just so I could… just to be with him… 

He can’t know about us because I’m not letting myself act on how selfishly I’m thinking. I won’t let it happen. I’m horrible…. I’m actually so-

“Keith! Hunk cut him off.” Cut it out, “I swear to god! You’re not terrible! I get it! I… I didn’t even think about it that way, but I get it! This doesn’t make you selfish! I’m sure if any of us were in your shoes, we’d feel the same way, Hell if it was Lance, he’d probably say the same thing! 

“He wouldn’t…” Keith mumbled, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “He’s he’s not like me… he’s so much better than me, he’s-“

“Dude, I said stop it!” Hunk interjected again. “You can’t make up for thinking that you're being selfish by putting yourself down! That is a steep and slippery slope, and I don’t want to see you go down there. Try thinking that this reaction is understandable! That your feelings are valid. Yeah, maybe they can be construed as inherently selfish, but you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel!”

“Hell, look at you, you’re rambling about how you can’t act on what you feel at any cost and you’d do anything to keep him from more pain! Telling yourself your horrible is a flat out lie, Keith, and I don’t want to hear it.”

Hunk was firm, maybe even a tad harsh, but he knew that’s what Keith could respond to. He needed someone to tell him straight, or he could spiral out of control. 

Keith just sat still beside him, back slumped, his elbows resting on his knees, and his head in his hands. They stayed quiet like that for a while until Keith spoke up. 

“Just promise me you all won’t tell him about us,” Keith whispered. “It’s about the only thing I can do at this point that will make me feel like less of an asshole. Don’t tell him what we were, just… just let him live his life. Let him follow his own path. I don’t want to force anything onto him for my sake. Please, just promise me you won’t.”

Hunk sighed. “Yeah…” he whispered. “I can do that.” I’ll… I’ll let you be for now, alright? 

Keith didn’t respond. He didn’t look up when Hunk stood, he didn’t move when an engine started up in the distance. He just sat, Staring at the dirt beneath his feet, doing everything he could to listen to Hunk and not keep repeating to himself that he didn’t deserve him either.


	8. Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huzzah! A fast chapter update! We get a lot more from Lance perspective this chapter now that he's awake! Fair warning though: this is where that internalized homophobia and panic attack tags come into play. If that makes any of you uncomfy, I would suggest just going to pt2 of this chapter and skipping the first. I even toned DOWN the angst in this chapter if you can believe it, and I’m still putting a trigger warning. What Lance desperately wants is not something he has completely accepted yet, and the pain he deals with from denying who he is and what he wants is something I've dealt with too. It hurts like hell, so I can completely understand if any of you need to skip the first part of this chapter. I don't want to spoil anything for the people who do want to read the full chapter though so I'll summarize pt.1 in the endnotes for yall. Much love to all of you and as always, Happy reading!

***Pre-Accident: Week 10, Day 7 ***

 

“Widen your stance, you're too tight!” Keith shouted as he easily dodged a swipe from Lance’s blade. “Mix up your attacks a bit too, you're getting predictable!”

Lance heaved angrily, and swiped forwards again, taking a large offensive step towards Keith, who wasn’t countering his attacks but simply blocking them.

It was Keith’s first day back on the ship in what had to have been another few weeks. With the meeting between with Voltron, the Blade, and the rebel’s over, Lance and Keith, without even the need to discuss it prior, both headed to the training deck together after they were dismissed. 

Lance genuinely sought after Keith’s guidance with his sword as Keith was a fucking prodigy and Lance really wanted to find ways he could contribute to the team as an equal. He didn’t want to be clumsy with this new weapon, he wanted to use it effectively. With Keith’s help, Lance was positive he could become great and therefore he was almost desperate to get to the training deck whenever Keith was on board the castle ship. 

“Good!” Keith shouted, “that was almost there, do that again!”

Lance grunted, trying out the technique Keith had taught him for disarming an opponent with your sword and failed to do it a second time. 

“Now you’re thinking too hard,” Keith said. “Let impulse drive your actions. Make decisions on a moments notice. You need to be adaptable in a hand to hand fight.”

Lance reared up to try one last time, but yet again it didn’t work. Maybe it would have had Lance not asked Keith to try and counter his own disarming technique so the fight would be a little fairer. 

He didn’t have time to sulk however as another drone charged from behind him. He thought that he had taken them all out? 

Annoyed, he turned sharply and cut the drone clean in half, grumbling as it collapsed.

Lance sighed and retracted his Bayard. 

“End training sequence level 6” he called out to the computer. 

“What, you’re done already?” Keith asked. 

“No, I’m just gonna take a break.” He said to Keith before turning to head to the perimeter of the deck where the water dispensers were. “You can keep going if you want.” 

Keith nodded and drew his blade, readying himself for a battle of his own. 

“Begin training sequence level 27.” He called out, and Lance choked. 

There were only thirty levels programmed into the system, and the higher you got, the more impossible they were to beat. Allura even specifically advised the team against going much past 20, but Keith had stepped up without even batting an eye. 

“Do you plan on getting beat up or is this a normal level for you?!” Lance asked, concerned. 

“I’m up for a bit of a challenge.” He said back as the drones appeared. “Usually I don’t go much past 25.” 

Lance bit his lip and before he could think to advise against it, Keith was charging. 

The first drone was an easy defeat for him despite its skillful counter attacks. Keith moved like water, the drones unable to touch him. Lance caught himself gaping at the sight. The more drones he took down, the harder the new ones were to defeat and Lance, for the first time, witnessed Keith’s most intense training first hand. 

It was getting harder and harder. Lance could see it in the hard flexing of his muscles as he used his full strength. He could hear it in the winded grunts he let out, and Lance couldn’t look away. 

He hadn’t ever fully realized just how… strong he was… his body was slim but he was built, and for whatever reason, his heart started to speed up again, although this time he didn’t think it was because he was nervous. He couldn’t fucking look away… 

Keith suddenly was hit. The sharp blade the droid carried just barely grazing him and cutting a large slash into his shirt across the bottom. 

“Shit…” he heard Keith breath out as he narrowly dodged another attack. 

Lance was mesmerized. The tightness of his muscles, the speed at which he moved, the way he bent around attacks and delivered brutal ones of his own. He- it… was incredible. 

But then it got to the point where Keith was starting to struggle. From what Lance had seen, Keith had a basically invincible stamina, so when he started taking more hits, Lance was sure it wasn’t for lack of energy, but he was no longer quick enough to counter. This was level 27 after all. A level, not even the previous paladins had attempted according to Allura. Not even Alfor himself. He was the one who programmed it to be a near impossible defeat, for like learning to know your limits and not doing more than you should just for the glory or whatever. Allura had made what he had said sound really inspiring. 

But his train of thought was lost again when Keith was jostled by the drone pretty hard. 

“Keith, you ok buddy?” Lance asked seeing Keith’s upper hand in the fight start to dwindle. But he didn’t respond. He was too focused on what was in front of him that Lance wasn’t sure he even heard him. 

And then suddenly Keith was struck to the ground and Lance found himself jumping to his feet in alarm. Keith! He called, but again, he didn’t respond. Lance was on his toes. Teetering between stepping in and helping him get out of this, and staying back to let whatever happens happen. Keith was prepared for this right? He knew how difficult it was… would it seem like Lance cared too much if went to help? Should that even matter? Would Keith be weirded out? Would he be pissed? 

Too many questions bounced around in his head, and because of it, he ended up just standing there, unsure of what to do. 

Keith was grunting- screaming almost- putting up a strong fight and it didn’t cease to impress Lance. Every move, every step was calculated, or so it seemed, even after he was hit. His response time was immaculate, his strength was obvious, his- 

“Lance!” Keith grunted out loudly, holding a drone’s blade away from him with his own knife.

The sudden call of his name snapped him abruptly out of his daze.

“What?” He called back. 

“Rifle! Shoot your rifle and help me out dammit!”

Lance jumped, fumbling as he sprung into action per Keith’s request. Calling his Bayard it lit up and formed into his rifle. Wasting no time, he took aim and shot them down, carefully avoiding shooting Keith as he maneuvered quickly around to take out the ones that Lance didn’t have covered. The battle quickly shifted back into their favor and then it was finished. 

Training sequence level 27 completed. The computer called out. Keith, exhausted, collapsed down to his knees and Lance rushed to bring him a water pouch. 

“Well, this is ruined now… Keith said prodding at the large gash in his shirt, annoyed. Then, without hesitation Keith crossed his arms, grabbed the bottom of his shirt with both hands, and pulled it over his head, tossing it to the side. Lance, who had been moving quickly, nearly tripped and face planted into the ground. He shot his gaze to the floor after just barely catching himself and held on tight as he felt the familiar sped up thumping of his heart pick up speed, panic filling him to the brim as he avoided any sight of Keith and his abs or his arms or the pale smoothness of his hard chest, or the way his narrow hips sloped down into- 

Nope! Lance’s brain screamed. Nope, nuh uh, we’re not going there, we're not doing that. He scolded himself. Get over it, what the fuck is wrong with you Sanchez? 

Coughing, Lance tried to get out of his intense inner turmoil by any means possible. The option he came up with was avoiding looking directly at Keith by sitting down next to him. That way he could still talk without having to look. So with a discrete amount of extra haste, he moved faster towards Keith.

Keith, who had been completely oblivious to all this, continued contemplating the battle. “Jeez, how the hell can anyone complete that successfully without help?” 

“I think that’s the point man,” Lance said plopping down to sit next to him, taking a sip from his own pouch all while trying to act casual and not like he was in the midst of an existential crisis. “It’s supposed to show you that like… everyone, no matter how strong, everyone has limits and all that junk. Nobody is invincible. Not even you I guess.”

Keith turned to him and gave him a confused look. “What about me told you that I was invincible?” He asked. 

Lance’s eyes went wide as he tried desperately to keep the heat he felt in his ears from reaching his cheeks.

What? Lance questioned, unsure of what to say or how to change topics. 

“Well, you make it sound like it surprises you. That I’m not invincible.”

“I uh, no- I obviously- I didn't mean that I see you as invincible, you’re not invincible that’s not what I was saying, I’m just saying that if you think you're invincible you aren’t as invincible as you maybe would have thought and I’m worried that you aren’t understanding that and your going to get hurt rushing into things you can’t defeat and I was just telling you to be careful you know? Because nobody’s invincible even if you might think you are!”

“You’ve got to protect yourself and make smart decisions. Like not flying into warships for instance, even though yes, we’ve been through this, it was what would have had to be done, but I don’t think you realize! I don’t think you realize the fact that although you might not care if your invincible or not, maybe you don’t think you need to be, maybe you don’t even want to be, but other people care about you! You can’t- you don’t need to prove anything! You’re already amazing! And I don't know what I would have- I don’t know how the team would have been able to deal with it had you been killed. People don’t want you getting hurt!”

The words spilled from Lance’s lips like a damn breaking as he tried to backtrack but ended up just moving deeper into trouble. He had barely taken a breath the whole time he spoke and Keith was looking at him like he had three heads and oh god- 

“People like you?” Keith asked softly, and Lance’s heart skipped. 

His head was spinning, his hands clammy and his heart racing. Had he seriously just said all that? Did he honestly have no control?! 

“I- I have to go,” Lance said quickly, his voice cracking as he quickly stood up.

“What? Lance- Lance, wait!” Keith called after him. 

Lance picked up his pace. 

“Lance!” Keith said again, and suddenly, just before he could walk through the doors of the training deck, Keith’s hand grasped his arm and yanked him back. He pulled Lance to stumble around before they were standing face to face, Keith holding him to keep him from escaping. 

“Dude, hey, What is going on?” Keith asked, his face now serious, “why are you running away?”

“I- I don’t know!” Lance breathed. “Just let me-”

“Are you angry with me or something?”

“Yes!” 

“Is that why you’re like this?”

“Yes- no- I… I don’t know!!

“Wait, is this because you’re scared? Like last time? Cmon, Lance, I’m not going anywhere- you don’t-”

“That’s not why I’m scared!” Lance cut him off. “I… I don't know why I’m scared- I do, but I don’t- I shouldn’t be, but I am- I don’t even know what I’m feeling- I’m, they’d… it’s wrong. All my life it’s been wrong!”

“What are you talking about?!?” Keith asked, almost pleading. “Lance, you’re not making sense!”

“None of this makes sense!” Lance shouted. “This wasn’t supposed to happen!!!”

“What wasn’t?!” 

“You’re a man!”

“What?” Keith squeaked, genuinely confused. “Are we even talking about the same thing? I’m a- man? What the hell does that even mean?!”

Lance was panting, hyperventilating, shaking. He was on the verge of screaming or sobbing. He didn’t know. Tears already were welled in his eyes. He was panicking. Truly panicking and if it weren’t for Keith’s firm grasp on his arms, he might have collapsed. He was light headed and so confused. So afraid and confused….

“I hate you!” Lance cried. 

“You hate me?” 

“No... no!” 

“Lance, what are you even saying?” 

“I- I hate that I don’t hate you! I don’t hate you at all! Not even a little bit! I genuinely don’t even think I ever have!! This was all just some trick!!! A trick I played on myself! So I’d believe I hate you when I don’t! I can’t! I’ve tried and I just don’t! I hate what you do to me! You make me lose my mind! I hate you because I want to love you and I can’t! I hate that I love you!”

Then it was silent. Lance gasped and ripped his arms out of Keith’s grasp to clasp them over his mouth, his tearful eyes wide. 

Keith’s face fell. 

“What did you just say?”

Lance shook his head. He shook his head and then took off running, out the door and out of sight. 

Keith, momentarily delayed from his shock, stood there, completely stunned. Hearing Lance’s words echo in his head. 

I hate that I love you, I hate that I love you, I hate that I love you, I hate that I love you I love you I love you I- 

Keith was running, sprinting, crashing through the doors and after Lance. His heart pounding, his ears ringing. 

“Lance!” He screamed. Tearing down the hall. “Lance!!!” He opened the door to the observation room and then suddenly after bursting through, he was falling, having crashed directly into Lance. 

They tumbled to the ground heavily, both of them getting the wind knocked out of them on impact. Collapsing to the floor, Keith landed right on top of Lance, his chest directly up against his.

Lance started to try and scramble away from under him but Keith was too quick, jumping to pin him down. His hair was a mess and his eyes looked wild as they stared down at Lance who looked completely and utterly terrified. 

“What did you just say?!” Keith breathed, his breaths still incredibly labored. “Tell me what you just said, Lance!”

Lance whimpered, tears now falling down to his ears as he looked up at Keith. Keith with his strong arms holding him down, still shirtless, his toned, utterly beautiful body hovering just inches above his, his eyes so deep and so close, the sharp cut if his jaw, the smell of sweat and musk. It was intoxicating. Lance had finally admitted it to himself and to Keith. Lance loved it. He wanted to love it more. He wanted to be completely enveloped in it, he wanted to love Keith. He was obsessed with Keith and everything…. everything about actually admitting that terrified him to his core. 

“Lance, please”! Keith cried, his face softening as his voice cracked with desperation. “Please, just say it again. Tell me again…” 

But Lance didn’t have any words. Speaking felt impossible. So he caved. As though the last bit of wall he had surrounding him collapsed. He gave in. Just to try. Just to let himself do the unthinkable. Just once. He brought the upper half of his body forwards and crashed his lips into Keith’s. 

Almost immediately the rigidness in Keith’s body disappeared and he went completely soft, falling down further and deepening the kiss. 

Breathlessly, messily, and completely uncoordinated, Lance and Keith kissed, connected at the mouth, exploring and gasping and kissing some more. Keith’s arms fell to hold Lance closer. Moving his hands up his back and through his hair. He was warm and so close. So soft and it felt so good holy fuck it felt so right. Like the stars were aligning right above their heads. 

Keith was kissing Lance… Lance had kissed him. This was real… this was happening and then… and then it wasn't. 

Seemingly as soon as it had started, it ended. Keith felt Lance’s hands push against his chest, and that same panic flooded his expression again. He looked torn, afraid, confused, but he looked desperate too. As though pushing Keith away had hurt him as much as it had just hurt Keith. 

“Oh my god…” he whispered. “Oh my god, what am I...”

“I can’t- this is wrong I can’t do this.” Lance gasped out of breath, quickly wiping his mouth. He choked, his eyes overflowing with more tears. 

“Oh my god, oh… oh my god, what an I doing?! What the hell am I doing?!?”

“Lance-” Keith breathed.

“I can’t- I’m sorry, god I’m so sorry- I can’t- this isn’t-” 

“Lance! Shhhh! It's ok!” Keith said, moving his hand to hold him again but this time, Lance acted like he’d been burned. 

“No”! Lance whimpered. “I can’t do this!” 

“What do you mean you can’t do this? Do what?! Kiss me? Be with me?? Why?!” Keith asked, sounding pained. 

“I’m so sorry,” Lance said again, but this time he stood up sharply. 

“Wait... Lance, Lance no- don’t leave, come on, please! What’s wrong?!” Keith said standing up after him. “What can I do?!”

“You can’t,” Lance said in barely a whisper. 

“I can!” Keith said, shouting now. In case you didn't notice, I wanted that kiss too! I didn't kiss you, you kissed me! I didn't pull away, you pushed me! I wouldn't have pushed you away! But you… what, you're just going to kiss me like that and then change your mind?! Am I some experiment for you?! Some toy??”

“No!” Lance cried. “You don’t understand!” 

“Then help me understand!!” Keith pleaded. “What is going on that makes you pull away from a kiss that you initiated?!”

“Stop saying that!!” Lance shouted back, raking his fingers through his hair. 

“What, that we kissed?! Are you kidding me right now?? You want to pretend like it didn't happen now?! 10 minutes ago you just told me you wanted to love me!” 

Lance sobbed. “I… Keith I do but… but I just can’t! My family- my father! He wouldn't accept it… because it’s wrong!” he wouldn't accept me! I’m not gay! I don’t like men! I like girls, just girls, just like I’m supposed to! I'm just… I'm just confused- too emotional- just like he always said! This isn’t right! Please just let me go, Keith… please let me go! 

Keith wanted to scream. He wanted to punch a wall and whoever had made Lance think that being anything but straight was wrong. Is that why he always aggressively flirted with girls? Was it to compensate? 

“Fine!” Keith growled, letting go of Lance sharply. “Leave! Keep thinking about yourself and ignore how much it hurts!”

Lance didn’t respond. As soon as Keith had let go he ran away from him again. Leaving him in the dark without a second thought. 

Keith dropped down to his knees. Out of breath, exhausted and hurt. He just sat there for hours, right where Lance had kissed him. He wanted to be angry. To scream. Lance had basically insulted him by insulting himself. He wanted to forget it ever happened, but nothing could override the desperate ache in his chest. No anger or pain could even begin to cover up the fact that he wanted Lance back and pressed up against his lips. Nothing could help him deny that he too, desperately wanted to love Lance. 

Nothing. 

 

***Post Accident: Week 7, Day 1***

 

It was an incredibly terrible feeling, realizing that he had absolutely no memories. Even with knowing what a memory is and having a vocabulary to describe one, knowing that he should remember, he still had no capacity to recall anything other than what had happened beyond waking up that morning, and that had been overwhelming enough.

Numerous doctors had come into his room every day for the past couple of days, and every visit always made him uncomfortable. They would start talking about his injuries and updating him on things he never remembered happening to him. Calling him a miracle and acting all chummy with him. Granted they had probably come into his room for months and seen him every day, so in some ways he guessed they could feel like they knew him, but he didn’t know them, and having to talk to them and hear about all the things that had messed him up and gotten him stuck in a coma… it was all incredibly overwhelming. 

Doctor after doctor, all he could do was sit and listen, his hands stirring nervously in his lap while he faced truths he didn’t even have time to properly process. It was too much information at once. So he tried sticking to simple things.

The nurse's name was Anna. His name was Lance. The man that was with him when he woke up was named Keith. He was in a hospital. He was 24 years old. He had been in a coma. The nice big guy and the buff one with the robot arm were named Hunk and Shiro. The small girl with the glasses was Pidge, the one with the marks under her eyes, which Lance assumed was some makeup trend he wasn’t aware of, was Allura and even though he had only technically seen like 15 other people, he was sure that this Allura girl was the most gorgeous person in the entirety of the world. 

He did his best to avoid thinking about what he couldn’t remember or didn’t know. Such as trying not to think about how exactly he had met any of these people. What could have possibly given him all the injuries that had put him in a coma… thinking about things he didn’t know just made him panic and so he quickly decided that he would just focus on what he did know and go from there. 

It wasn’t easy because he literally had so many questions that he needed answers to, but found it helped when he constantly reminded himself that he didn’t know these people and that was fine. It was ok to ask about things you didn’t know. 

He studied his room in great detail to pass the time. The flowers on the table, the big window to his left, the TV across from him that was never turned on. The door to the outside halls of the hospital he had never seen on his right. The door on the adjacent wall that leads to a bathroom he had never been in. 

He would have gotten up to explore, but quickly realized that any attempted movement at all was incredibly painful. Like literally moving anything hurt. Whether it was because he was sore from not having moved much for months, or because he still had injuries that were healing, he didn’t know. Anna said that he might not have full movement for a while, as such a thing was common for coma patients even without such severe injuries. 

But she had taken the time to show him every broken bone, torn muscle and everything in between that he came into the hospital with and could understand why it wasn’t easy for him to move. Most of them had healed by now for the most part, but he was perfectly ok with giving himself time. 

Needing help to do anything, like take a shower or eat or go the bathroom wasn’t the greatest, and actually made Lance feel pretty shitty about his current situation, but he guessed it was better than being dead? Although it may not have made much of a difference considering that he barely knew who he was or what he loved and cherished about his life anymore. He didn’t know the people in his life, and he did didn’t recall anything that would make surviving something worth all this pain he was in. 

Anna had said that the total memory loss he was experiencing probably wouldn’t last, and with time he’d remember things. She told him to be patient, but Lance was starting to learn that being patent must not be something he is very good at. 

What had really helped, even though it may have been a tad uncomfortable at first, was talking to those 4 people who had visited him- his apparent friends. People who actually knew him. 

They had come in one morning after Anna had warned him that he would be having visitors and asking him if he was ok with it. Unsure of what he had to lose, Lance agreed and waited for the mystery people to arrive. 

The first one in was the Shiro guy with the robotic arm. And then Hunk and then Pidge and then Allura. To make matters more awkward, all of them were crying a bit. 

Lance tried to be polite and waved. “I’m assuming you guys are the friends my nurse was talking about?”

Only Shiro nodded, seeming to have a bit more composure than the rest of the group.

“Oh, Lance!” Allura had said suddenly, and without warning, she was running to hug him. 

Lance couldn’t help it, he blushed. When she pulled away, looking at him through the most gorgeous watery blue eyes, he even took himself by surprise and didn’t even try to repress his attraction… it felt like instinct, but he didn’t quite know how that was possible. 

“Oh, hello. What might your name be, gorgeous?” Lance asked, a suaveness he wasn’t expecting dripping from his words. 

Only for a moment, Allura’s face had faltered, as though she was not prepared to hear that from Lance. 

“M- my name is Allura.” She said softly. It’s… er… wonderful to see you, Lance. 

Ok, move aside Allura, best friend coming through. Hunk said, pushing past her and giving a surprisingly gentle hug to Lance when he had fully expected to be crushed. 

For whatever reason, Lance couldn’t help but smile at him. “Best friend huh?” He asked. 

You bet buddy. Hunk grinned, though Lance could see in his eyes that he was still pained. “The names Hunk”. 

“Hunk,” Lance repeated. “Alright, that should be easy enough to remember.”

I’m Shiro. Shiro said walking up to him with a kind, sad sort of smile. He stuck out his robotic hand and Lance took it cautiously. 

“Cool arm.” He replied. “How’d that happen?”

For a second Lance thought it looked like Shiro went a little pale, but it was gone before he could analyze it any further. “I’m a military veteran.” He replied. And everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to look wide-eyed at him. It even made Pidge look up from the ground.

“Oh… I’m… I’m so sorry for asking, I didn’t mean to be rude. Did none of you know that either?”

“No, they do,” Shiro said responding before any of them could. “I just don’t talk about it much. It’s ok, I don’t mind. I’m sure a lot is confusing for you right now. The last thing we want to do is overwhelm you.” 

His words sounded pointed. Like they carried more weight than Lance could see, but he didn’t know why. Just that everyone shifted awkwardly after he spoke and nodded in response as though Shiro had spoken just as much to all of them as he had to Lance. 

Their entire demeanor seemed… off… and it definitely confused him but he chose to let it be. 

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” He said, trying on a smile. “Everything’s a bit overwhelming, yeah, but there’s no avoiding that. It’s fine, I promise.”

“I still don’t think we’ve been introduced.” He said in an attempt to change the subject. He shifted as much as the soreness in his body would allow to look behind Shiro, Allura, and Hunk at his 4th guest. 

“No, we have.” She said bluntly, pushing up her glasses but still not making eye contact. Her voice was soft and a bit wobbly. “You’re like… my second brother. I’m Pidge.”

Lance could tell she was upset. Lance was pretty sure everyone in the room could tell she was upset by the looks of caution in their faces that Lance assumed they were trying to keep discreet. 

“Oh man.” He said trying to lighten the mood. “I’ve got another sister? That’s awesome! I’ll make sure to add you to the-“

Then it dawned on him. “Wait… I’ve got sisters…” he gasped. “Oh- oh my god I remember!! I’ve got sisters!! And brothers! And my mama and my papa! Family!! My family!!!”

The room gaped at him. “You remember them??” Shiro asked. 

“I.. well I can’t remember their names… or faces… kind of…? I just.. I know I have them! I have this huge family and- wait why haven’t they come to see me? My family? Where are they? Do they know I’m here?”

By the pale, nervous looks in everyone’s faces, he guessed the answer was a little more complicated than a yes or a no, although he didn’t really know why. 

“That’s not really a question any of us can answer.” Hunk said cautiously. 

“Why not?” Lance asked 

“I’ll go get Anna,” Shiro said, turning to walk out. 

“Lance, we don’t know,” Allura spoke up. I wish we did so we could tell you but we don’t. 

“Oh…” Lance sighed. “Uh… alright. I understand. 

It was a lie. He didn’t understand at all. But nobody seemed to have answers. If they’re family, they will come eventually, right? He tried to assure himself. Right. His focus now was to try and keep this situation with everyone from becoming even more awkward than it already was. 

“You said you were Pidge right?” Lance said looking back at the girl. 

“Yeah.” She said softly. “And you’re Hunk and Allura?” He smiled. 

“You got it, dude,” Hunk said back while Allura nodded in encouragement. “Well, you guys know more than I do. I was out for a while. Tell me about yourselves? What did I miss?”

And that’s all it took. Soon even Pidge seemed to be in a brighter mood as they talked the day away. For whatever reason, it was easy. He wasn’t afraid of these people. He felt comforted that they were there. And he had finally triggered a memory! Well at least partially. Lance was going to hold onto these positives as tightly as he could. He still had questions and lots of them, but he could be ok with this. He could do this. 

The group came to visit him frequently throughout the week, and Lance genuinely looked forward to the times they stopped by. They really were great people! He could see how he would’ve wanted to be their friend. It was really nice having them with him. 

The one person he hadn’t yet seen was the guy that was with him when he woke up. Keith. Which Lance found to be odd. It had been fairly early in the morning when Lance woke up from the coma which meant that Keith would have either woken up at an insane hour to see him or he had been there through the night. 

It was weird though. Only family could spend the night with patients, so the only option was the first, which was that he had come by as early as possible. But that too confused Lance. The rest of the group had plenty of time with him showing up at noon. What benefit did he have getting there so early? Why was he the only one? It didn’t make sense. Especially now that he hadn’t seen him since then and Keith had been acting incredibly strange to begin with. 

It made some indescribable feeling stir inside him uncomfortably for reasons he could not name. Why had nobody mentioned the fifth friend to him? Why was he there when nobody else was? Was he avoiding him now? 

Lance didn’t even know how to begin asking these questions. For whatever reason, he even felt a little sheepish about it. So, for now, he found his solace in the assumption that whatever the answers, Keith had been with him when he woke up and would probably come back to see him eventually. When that happened, he’d get his answers. For now, he would work with the problems at hand, like moving for example. 

Every day he tried shifting a bit per Anna’s suggestion. He met with a physical therapist that helped stretch him out and do easy actions with his legs. Every now and then one of his friends would stop by and be a witness to the difficulty he was having to move and it made them look uncomfortable. Lance didn’t like that, but he, for some reason, didn’t want to ask them to leave either. Especially today; the day that he was to attempt walking with his therapist. Something about having them there was a comfort despite barely knowing them, or the pained, unhappy looks on their faces. 

Word must have spread from when he had told Hunk a few days prior because everyone ended up coming by to try and help. Shiro talked with him about understanding what he was going through when he went through having to re-learn to use his arm. Hunk and Allura gave him all the encouragement they could, and Pidge sat down in the corner mumbling on about creating a device that could help speed up the process. 

Lance had gotten the impression that she was really smart fairly quickly with how she spoke and what she spoke of with the rest of the group. An idea about quantum physics, or her admiration for some scientist that inspired the hardware on her little gadgets she brought in. 

What surprised him though was that all of them seemed to be able to keep up with her. Hunk most especially. They all seemed to be incredibly smart. Maybe being friends with them meant that he was smart too, and just didn’t have any memories of it yet?

The more time he spent with these people that he didn’t know too well, the more he came to realize that he didn’t really know himself all that well either. 

“Ok, Lance,” his therapist said walking in with a smile. “You ready for today?” 

“Hoping I don’t fall on my face,” Lance replied. 

The therapist chuckled. “You won’t.” He smiled back at him. “I’ll keep you upright, no worries. Have you been doing your stretches?”

Lance nodded.

Alright then, let’s try just to the counter over there, you think you can do that? 

Lance looked at the counter he had pointed to. It couldn’t have been more than 3 yards away, but the twisting worry in his gut made it feel like it would be miles.

Still, he nodded again, pivoting his hips so that his legs could drape over the edge of the bed. Readying himself, he took the therapists arm that he had extended and pulled up, wincing as his weight rested on his legs. His knees wobbled a bit, making him feel like he wouldn’t be able to support himself and could end up collapsing, but the therapist held onto him tightly, allowing Lance to bear as much weight as he could onto his shoulders. 

Ready? He asked. And Lance took a careful step forward, trying to keep his knees locked so he wouldn’t fall, he moved a little awkwardly, but still managed a step. Now to bring his other leg over. Dragging it, he planted it a little bit ahead of the first foot and shifted his weight, the therapist following him closely with little steps of his own as he held him upright. 

Lance never thought he’d be envious of something as simple as the ability to walk, but here he was, moving slowly to a destination that would grant him nothing except a small sense of progress. 

He repeated the clumsy, careful steps one after the other, trying his best not to rush himself. 

Everybody watched him like hawks, their own nervous energy visible through the way they held themselves. Pidges hands gripping her chair tightly. Allura's hands clasped together as though she was pleading with some unseen force that Lance would make it. Hunk gripping Shiro’s shoulder while Shiro stood, his hands on his hips and a confident look on his face, as though he didn’t have any doubts. 

You’ve got this Lance. He said. Yeah, you go buddy! Hunk chimed in. You’re doing wonderfully! Allura smiled. Pidge kept her mouth shut but her eyes were big and hopeful behind her round glasses. 

Lance felt like it should have been embarrassing but their encouragement was actually helpful. Step by step he walked closer to the shelf, and finally, he extended his arm to reach out and touch the top, supporting himself on the sturdy wood. 

They all cheered happily, and Lance couldn’t help but smile. It felt good. Really good, and for the first time in a while, the pit in his stomach lessened. Maybe he could pull through this after all. 

Smiling, he made his way back to his bed by wheelchair, thankful to be off his legs even though the happy feeling of his success still lingered. He was helped into the bed, and his friends came up to congratulate him, telling him that it would only get easier from here. It filled Lance with a warmth he hadn’t expected, suddenly thankful now more than ever that he had this group of strangers who cared for him. 

It was a warmth that only dwindled when he looked to the door to thank his therapist as he left the room and saw a dark figure standing just outside. But they were gone in the blink of an eye, leaving the hall empty as the door clicked shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pt. 1 summary:  
> Lance and Keith are training together and Lance unwillingly starts to ogle Keith. He is paranoid that anything he says to Keith could be interpreted as him having feelings for him, so he's super cautious around him. When he lets slip that he thinks of Keith very highly and could almost perceive him as invincible at times, Lance believes he gave his feelings away, and Keith now knows how he feels about him (which he doesn't.) In the attempt to backtrack and cover up his feelings he actually lets slip his true emotions by accident and tells Keith that he doesn't, in fact, hate him, but wants to love him. Chaos ensues and Lance panics. Keith, whos liked lance from the beginning, wants what Lance says to be true and begs him to confirm his feelings which causes Lance to cave and kiss him. This only makes Lance more paranoid though, like he's done something dirty/ wrong based on familial views on the idea of being gay- which is implied that it's not approved of by his father, and he runs away, leaving Keith to feel heartbroken and used.


	9. 'Cowards'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... let me just start off by saying I know it has been a while and I'm real sorry about that. This chapter was a BITCH to write. I think I re-wrote it at least 4 times... idk for some reason I just couldn't get it right. It was one of the chapters I had never written a draft for and college is a thing on top of that now that school has started again. Then, per the advice of a few readers, I've started marking the time switches more prominently because it was confusing for some people, so on that note, here are some changes to look out for:
> 
> ***Post-accident*** parts of the chapters are going to be the scenes with Lance after the coma. The team are all adults and back on earth, Lance will grapple with memory loss, etc.  
> ***Pre-accident*** scenes will be more true to what we've seen in the actual show, the same ages, still in space, battles and so on. everything after season 4 does not exist in this fic, however. As I said, it's likely that I might pull characters or small plot things that seasons 5, 6, 7, and 8 introduced/ will introduce, but really, this fic will be a different story from the show after season 4. 
> 
> So anyway, I feel like I need to just get this chapter out of my drafts and stop fussing over it or I will drive myself insane, so here it is! As always, I hope you enjoy, and happy reading!!

***Pre-Accident: Week 13, Day 2***

Keith and Lance were not on speaking terms. Nowhere even close. ‘Speaking’ was to civil a word. For the past several weeks of their intermittent crossing of paths on the battlefield or in the castle (though that was much more uncommon,) they communicated solely through glares, ignoring each other completely, a middle finger or two, and the most common: flat-out screaming wars. Sure, they technically were still communicating, but their exchanges were vicious and not constructive in the slightest.

It had been more subtle at first, just glares and dead silence, both acting as though they didn't even see the other within their vicinity. For a while, they got away with it because Keith was gone most of the time, so interacting wasn't really possible, and when they did have to see each other, the situations were too tense for anyone to really consider the fact that both of them were essentially just ticking time bombs ready to explode. And they definitely did explode. It honestly was just a matter of time.

It was Hunk who first ended up in their crossfire. They had just gotten out of battle and were touching down on the planet to talk with the inhabitants and Keith just so happened to be one of the Blades who ended up being there to help with the mission. It had been a while since any of them had seen him in person, so before they parted ways, they insisted he spend a bit of time catching up. ‘They’ meaning everyone except for Lance, who began to panic internally at the thought of seeing him.

Keith, unlike Lance, wasn’t panicky but aggravated. That was the word he had chosen to encompass all the feelings of hurt, betrayal, offense, anger, sadness, and irritation he held whenever Lance entered his brain. Essentially, he wanted to beat Lance up. The only thing stopping him was the current circumstance being that they were diplomats on a newly freed planet and needed to appear as unified and confident as possible.

That’s why as soon as they somehow manage to accidentally end up in the same room together, alone, there was no holding him back.

It started with a “Wow, I’m surprised you can stand to be in the same room as me,” and then went to shit from there.

Lance bristled at his words as they hit him just before he had the time to rush back out of the room.

“Hey asshole, why don't you try and leave me the fuck alone?!”

Keith laughed humorlessly. “That’s ironic coming from the person who came onto m-“

“Hey! Shut up or I swear to god-“

“You’ll what? Run away again? Like you always do? Because you’re a coward who can’t man up and accept the fact that he’s-“

“I said shut the fuck up Keith!!”

“How selfish can you possibly be?!” Keith shot back. Thinking that this only affects you, that my feelings in all this are not as important as your god damn insecurities! And what’s worse is that I’m more sorry for you than I am for myself!”

It was then that Hunk announced himself. He stood in the corner and cleared his throat, causing both boys to shoot their gazes towards him.

“Hunk!” Lance screeched. “How long have you been there?!”

“Since you told Keith to shut up…” Hunk replied tentatively. “What’s going on are you both ok?”

“Sure, Hunk. I’m fine as long as Keith stays away from me!”

“Oh, bullshit! You’re just a fucking coward, Lance!!”

“I’m not a coward! You’re just an insensitive piece of shit that’s throwing a fit!”

“I could say the exact same thing about you!”

“HEY!” Hunk stepped between the two of them. “What the hell is going on?!”

Lance and Keith ignored him and continued to glare at each other.

“Stay the fuck away from me,” Lance growled.

“My pleasure!” Keith replied.

“Guys!” Hunk spoke again. “Calm down, oh my god!”

“Let’s go Hunk,” Lance said grimly and then turned on his heel and stormed out.

Hunk followed only after giving one last look to Keith, who ignored him completely and took off in the other direction.

None of them had spoken of it for weeks until their second encounter, only this time, the whole team bared witness, and the insults didn’t really seem to have any root, but were rather just things to say to try and get the other to break down. Mean, hurtful, vicious things that neither of them meant at all. At this point, it was honestly just self-defense.

Lance, though he hid it well, was deeply conflicted and afraid, and Keith, who was perpetually feeling like his chest had ripped apart was just sad. Sad that this whole thing with Lance was even happening at all. And of course, he dealt with it in the worst way and just channeling all his unwanted emotions into pure rage.

Shiro, on multiple occasions, ended up having to physically drag the two away from each other, and for the remainder of their missions, the team did their best to mediate and calm them down whenever they were together.

It became a castle wide effort to keep them from each other's throats. Nobody knew why it had escalated to the degree that it had so suddenly, and nobody tried to ask. Keith and Lance were just… not compatible right?

Whatever the answer, Lance was starting to lose sleep over all this. To the point where he avoided his quarters because that was where he had the time to think. Time alone, to himself where his thoughts could just completely consume him. Where there was little to nothing that distracted him from the issues he was presently trying to avoid.

A lonely walk through the empty castle in the dead of the synthesized night of the sleep-wake cycle would be better than lying here in his bed, mulling over, in extreme detail, every thought in his head, every knot in his chest, every emotion and sensation that came from that… kiss. Every cramped emotion in his chest always ended up throwing him into a mess of panic that caused him to pace his room for hours. Regrettably, Keith was the one thought that plagued his mind and caused him all this drama.

It was for this reason that Lance took every second of his daytime very seriously. He tried incredibly hard to make use of every opportunity to distract himself while he had the energy to do so. Today, it probably would have worked to be just as effective as it had been for him these past few weeks had Shiro’s voice not called all the paladins over the speakers to the control deck out of the blue.

He dressed quickly into his armor and met everyone down where Shiro had instructed and was grateful enough to see that for once, Allura and Hunk were just as confused as he was. Shiro, Coran, and Pidge, who had already been on the deck when they arrived, wore different expressions from the three of them, however. Shiro looked… concerned. In his Shiro way of still seeming to be relatively calm but still a bit on edge. Pidge and Coran were harder to read though, looking more concentrated than anything else as the both of them tapped away at the coms board.

"What's up?" Hunk asked, being the first one to speak.

Shiro looked up to him with a little-worried scowl. "We may have an issue." He replied.

"Correction," Pidge interrupted, "we most certainly have an issue, and contrary to Coran’s insinuation," she said shooting him a little side eye, "it’s not with my tech."

"What issue?" Allura asked.

"Well, we’ve been trying to get in contact with the Blade for a while, just to update them as usual, but they haven't been responding." Shiro said.

"I scanned the com signals myself, numerous times and heard nothing from Kolivan or Keith. There was some chatter in smaller factions of the blade who I contacted to see if they could fill me in on why Kolivan wasn’t responding, but none of them would say anything."

"The Blade of Marmora is an incredibly tight-lipped organization as we all know," Shiro continued, "so we didn't think too much of it at first, but now, according to Pidge, there is no sign of them in the coms at all. It's as though all our connections to them have been severed, or they are now completely off the grid."

"What does that mean?" Hunk asked. "Are they in danger?"

"It's too soon to tell number 2," Coran said, straightening up. "They could just be on a mission and laying low, or they could be in need of help, we aren't sure. And unfortunately, there's no way to know just yet, though Pidge and I are working on it but we thought it would be best to brief you all anyway."

"I think we should lay low for a while if we can." Shiro says. "Just so that we can be ready to assist them as soon as they might need it. Until then though, let's all just keep active around here so that we're as prepared as possible. There are plenty of things to keep us busy."

Lances brain was buzzing.

"What so that's it? He voiced. Just we just… Lay low and wait until we know that they're in danger before we do anything about it? I can't be the only one who finds that to be incredibly stupid right?"

Everyone looked up to Lance, a little stunned but Lance wasn't perturbed and kept on going.

"We're just waiting for a distress call to react to instead of being on the move? Searching? I could have been in my lion days ago covering space looking for them! That’s what Keith did when you were missing Shiro! He and the rest of us searched every day! The odds of finding you were barely existent, but we did it anyways! And now what? We're going to opt to sit on our asses until something bad happens? That's bullshit!"

"Lance," Shiro spoke up gently, though his voice was stern. "The Blade of Marmora is a group of highly skilled warriors."

"And their methods of laying low makes them nearly undetectable." Pidge added on. "I've been doing everything I can and so has Coran. The main difference that you're missing here is that Shiro wanted to be found. The Blade doesn't. They're gone because they want to be. So unless you've got any ideas as to how I should improve my methods of searching, we would be wasting energy if we spent our time searching."

Lance was confused. So terribly confused. What Pidge said made sense. Of course, it made sense… She's Pidge. Everything makes sense with Pidge. So why the fuck was every inch of his body burning with rage? This anxious energy that he couldn't explain threw his logic out if the window and just surrounded him with fear and panic and anger. Because… Because… Keith. Because of Keith. What if Keith got hurt? What if Keith got broken beyond repair? What if he died and they had no way of knowing or looking for him? Sure that was a reasonable fear, and Lance was sure that everyone was worried about it. Worried that they'd lose Keith… But none of them were losing their composure in the way Lance was. Nobody was rageful or had tears burning against the back if their eyes. So why did Lance? What made all this any different for him? Why was he so... Angry?

 _Because you’re in love with him._ A voice said, unwelcomingly erupting into his brain, _you’re in love with him and yet you can’t be with him because you're afraid. So you pushed him away and hurt him. You did all that because your too much of a coward to face your own love. To listen to your heart. You're a doormat. You let other people’s opinions be the puppet master to your own. Your weak and you hurt him and now there’s a chance that he’ll never know how sorry you are. How desperately you want to be with him and how much you admire and care for him. He could die and-_

That was all it took, Lance was running out of the deck. His heart was pounding his brain feeling completely useless. His emotions on high. He ran, beginning to sob.

He loved him and still, terror poured out of him with every tear that clouded his vision. Because he loved him. He loved him and facing that head on was terrifying. When the hell would he stop being afraid of his own heart? When would he ever get the feeling of Keith’s lips to leave his? How would he ever come back from this mess?

It was two truths that both contradicted the other. A seemingly impossible situation tore at him, making him feel like two different people in one. What had happened in the observation deck that night… was it a moment of weakness or a moment of strength? Did his inner desire break triumphantly through its restraints, or did his strength fall prey to demons? He could not discern whether feeling Keith's lips against his was something full of ecstasy or terror. The way he held him… the way every one of his nerves seemed to catch on fire. Was that fire one that rejuvenated or one that destroyed. Is it even possible that it was both at the same time?

The few things that he did know were this: Keith’s and the Blade of Marmora’s disappearance was obviously eating him alive with worry and that, the meaning of his feelings aside, was terrible. Despite everything, every fiber in his body telling him he shouldn’t, Lance wanted what had happened on the observation deck to happen again. Whether it was because he loved it or hated it, he wasn't sure, Just that he wanted to know which of the two it was so he could but this whole mess behind him. But now Keith was gone, again, and Lance knew that the situation was only growing more hopeless.

He had to find Keith. He had to. Before he was hurt. Before something terrible happened because the fear he had felt for so long would be nothing in comparison to losing him. There was no possible comparison. If anything happened to Keith…. he would break too.

 

***Post Accident: Week 7, Day 1 (Keith’s P.O.V.)***

 

Keith felt like such a fucking coward.

He was just standing there… standing pathetically outside of Lance’s hospital room, pacing around. The weight of the engagement ring he had taken off of Lance's hand before his procedure all those weeks ago now rested uncomfortably against his chest where it hung from his neck by a black cord. He had purchased it after realizing, quite painfully, that he might never be able to give the ring back to Lance. Now it came with him wherever he went, tucked safely under the fabric of his shirt.

Now though, standing just a door away from Lance for the first time since he had woken up, the comforting weight of it felt like it was burning into his skin. Keith would admit it, he was panicking.

When Keith had woken up that morning, The light hadn’t even fully filled the sky yet. Again, he opened his eyes to his bare room, void of any personality, probably looking exactly like how it was when it had been sold with the exception if his bag in the corner of the room. Had Lance been occupying this space with him, there sure as hell would have been a rug on the wood floor, pictures on the walls… maybe a lamp and a bedside table…

He would have dragged Keith to a furniture store and tested out the different comfort levels of every chair, insisting that Keith join him for the _full effect._  He would probably have dozens of online shopping tabs open and consult Keith on the color choice he should make. Lance would have made this place feel like a home, but right now it was just a shell, and that was because Keith was too busy wallowing in pain. He realized that morning that maybe if he tried implementing some Lance-like tendencies into his own behavior, he could feel less distant from him and start feeling more comfortable in his own dwelling.

So Keith bought a rug a bedside table, a lamp, and even hung up his clothes in the closet. Additionally, on his trip to buy the rug and the bedside table, he also bought a picture frame. One that fit the size of the only physical photo he had gotten in space taken of him and Lance in the castle lounge. Pidge had rigged it up somehow and took it of them to test if it worked.

Keith really liked the picture. He and Lance had been lounging together on one of the couches, Lance was draped over him, laying literally right on top of him while Keith had been fiddling with his hair and reading something on a caste tablet when he had been trying to learn Altean.

Pidge had taken the picture so that it only went from just behind Keith to just below Lance’s shoulder. She told them to smile rather abruptly, but the result was actually a really nice picture. Lance smiling, his head smushed up against Keith’s chest and Keith smiling with his hand still ruffled into Lance’s hair.

Keith treasured that photo, always checking for folds and fingerprints- maybe a little obsessively times.

It had been harder to look at since coming back to earth, but now, Keith had a frame to use. He carefully set the picture inside and put it out on his bedside table, ready to accept any heartache it might give him.

The room wasn’t really all that different from how it had been before, but Lance would have said it made a world of a difference. The mere thought of that was enough. It made it feel like Lance was with him. Keith could pretend that he was the one who had bought the decorations. The one to have set them up.

The pretending only was effective for a bit, however. Soon Keith was back in the thick of it, feeling his heart sink every time he looked at the picture beside his bed.

He was still being selfish… no matter what he told himself… that adjusting to this new change would take time, and it was ok, Keith was really just being selfish. No matter if Lance remembered him or not, he had promised him that he would be at his side through everything. It shouldn’t matter if it hurt, Lance still needed him, and the longer he stayed cooped up in his apartment pretending that Lance was with him, the longer he left Lance alone, and that… that wasn’t ok.

So here he was now, standing in front of Lance’s door in an attempt to make up for his mistakes but finding his feet glued to the floor instead of walking inside.

God damn it, he could feel it in his chest. He would end up walking in there, take one look at Lance, and then just burst into tears. Not only would it be humiliating, but Lance would be confused. He would think it was strange and then start to question what kind of relationship they had had and then if Keith told him, Lance would probably start to panic too, and that was a whole mess of events that Keith was in no way prepared for.

On multiple occasions, Keith had walked halfway out of the hospital, thinking he would just leave before things could go wrong but always ended up dragging himself back. His hair was probably a mess with how many times he had run his fingers through it in stress but it was nothing compared to the mess of emotions he was feeling.

Why was he thinking about his mom…?

A name he still had no face to pair with. A person he so desperately wanted to know, and have at his side even though he had no idea who she was. Maybe that’s how Lance would feel. Maybe he, in some twisted way, was doing just what his mother had done to him. If she was in fact still alive, maybe she could have come back to him and didn’t because it was too painful for her or she thought he was better off without her. But Keith knew that the opposite was true, in every way. For years he had wanted her- needed her to come back to him, regardless of the emotional baggage either of them might have. Keith knew this with every fiber in his body and yet he still could not walk through that door.

He was about ready to pull out all of his hair when he was completely stunned into stillness at the sound of Lance’s door handle jostling. His eyes flew wide and suddenly, a man in dark blue scrubs came through the doorway. He was turned around waving goodbye before he stepped through.

The door was opening wider and wider as he came out and, still frozen, just for a split second, as the opening between the man and the door widened, Keith could see through to the room behind the man. Just for a second he met the blue of Lance’s eyes, for a second he saw him and then he bolted. Before the nurse could see him, before Lance could comprehend that he was even there, he turned and basically sprinted down the hallway, down the steps, and towards the exit. And he would have made it. He would have run straight to his car had he not crashed into someone just before turning the corner that leads to the door.

They collided so hard it knocked both of them to the ground. Keith, finally snapped out of his daze scrambled to get back up, apologizing profusely as he stood. He straightened himself out and then suddenly, he met eyes with Anna.

It was like everything slowed down at the sight of her. Something like relief, happiness, a sensation of unpayable gratitude and debt flooded over him so quickly, the emotions nearly made him choke and stung his eyes with unshed tears.

Anna was here. Anna who scolded his unhealthy mourning habits. Anna who got him a yoga mat. Anna who turned a blind eye when Keith snuck into Lance’s bed to sleep with him when she knew it wasn’t allowed. Anna who extended her shift to take care of Lance and gave him her personal phone number the first time he went out of the hospital so that he could feel More comfortable leaving Lance alone. Anna who had never once judged him. She was right here in front of him again and had never left Lance. Even when Keith had.

Debt. The feeling was definitely debt, but still, seeing her was like a breath of fresh air at the same time. Something calming and grounding.

Before he could even think to respond, he was engulfed in a tight hug. When she pulled back, she was grinning.

“Keith!! Oh my god! I’m so happy to see you!" She smiled.

"Anna?" He stuttered out, still a bit bewildered.

"Yes, Anna! What did colliding into me give you a concussion?"

"No- no I-" Keith tried, but Anna’s excitement overpowered him.

"My god, it’s been so long! I went from seeing you every day for over a month, to like… never so fast! God, I really missed you! You became apart of my daily routine pretty much! It’s been weird not having you to lecture about mental and physical health!"

Somehow, in spite of his erratic heart, clammy hands, and overall nervous energy that he was swimming in, he managed to give a genuine smile and laugh. Seeing her made him realize how true what she said was, and he hated himself for not having thought about Anna once over the weeks he had been alone. She deserved so much more than what Keith gave her in terms of friendship.

He had no idea what to say to her. Part of him was solely focused on wanting to spend the next ten minutes relentlessly apologizing for being an inconsiderate shithead, not even registering the question, and the other part of him was still so dazed with nerves that he forgot to talk altogether. It worked out ok, however, because Anna kept talking for him. Eventually asking how he had been in the weeks they hadn't seen each other.

"Why were you running, are you in your way out? Wait did you just come from seeing Lance?? Really, how have you been?"

Yet again, Keith was stuck for an answer. How the hell would he respond to that?

I've been the complete and utter definition of a pathetic mess. I’ve been perpetually on the verge of a breakdown for a number of weeks. I’ve been a selfish asshole of a fiancé and friend. I’ve been doing an unhealthy amount of fantasizing because reality is too painful to bear.

“I’ve been… ok.” Keith settles with.

"Do you mean that? Or are you just saying that, because if you really are ok then I don’t want to discredit your progress, but if you aren’t, which is my hunch at the moment, consider this my calling your bluff."

Keith sighed. "I’m about the same." He corrected quietly. "It’s… hard. Not really much progress…"

"That’s what I thought." She said, her chipper attitude faltering slightly. "So you didn’t see Lance… you're running away from him..."

"I…" Keith said trying to find an explanation that sounded better than him running away but it was useless. He had no excuses.

"I… panicked." He confessed.

Anna scowled, staring at him before she suddenly started to walk. "Come on, she said. I’m taking my lunch break, let’s talk."

"Anna, I really don’t think-"

"No, your coming." She said matter of factly. "Let’s go." With a quick turn, she came back, grabbed his wrist, and then continued down the hall. Keith had no choice but to follow reluctantly behind her.

She led him to the nurse's lounge, usually not a place visitors were allowed to go but Anna didn’t seem to care about that. She led him over to a table in the corner and made coffee with the Keurig on the counter as he sat down. Coming back with two mugs in her hand she set one down in front of Keith and took her seat across from him.

"I know you like your coffee black, right?" She asked. Keith nodded and took a sip. "Thanks." He said quietly.

She nodded, taking a sip of her own and then looked back at Keith.

"So you tried seeing him today?"

"I tried," Keith replied.

Anna frowned. "What made you decide to come?" She asked.

Keith sighed, realizing finally that there was no way he was going to get out of this.

"I… Unpacked my apartment."

"Oh…" She mused. "What, did you still have some of his things? Too many memories?"

"One picture, a bit of his clothing, and his overall absence… yeah."

"What was the picture of?" Anna asked.

"Us…" he replied, "Just a few years ago. It's the only one I have. It just… It was easier when I didn't have any visuals, you know? Just my memories. But at the same time, I would never dare to put it away because it's comforting too. So I left it out and then I just felt so guilty because I know that he needs me, and instead of being with him, I'm sitting in my apartment staring at that picture."

Keith took another sip of his coffee and ran his fingers through his hair. "I promised him, long before we were even engaged, that I wouldn't do what I'm doing right now, and yet, today I tried to go and make up for that and I just… Couldn't. Seeing him just... terrifies me. He wont be the same and its... it just hurts." 

Anna sighed and gave Keith a little pitying smile.

"What…" he asked, slumping his shoulders at her reaction.

"Keith, I’ve cared for dozens of coma patients and you know what I find the most incredible?"

Keith shook his head.

"I’ve always found that no matter how severe their conditions afterwards are, there is still this incredible sense that those who know them have. They say, even when they might not have the ability to speak or talk anymore, some… essence, some core part of who they were, whether they remember or not, still exists within them. Their driving force, their essence shines through."

"Your descriptions of Lance are things I can see in him. He might not be as joking or carefree but he’s experienced a great amount of trauma, so getting to things like that will take time. But from my own experience, and from what Hunk and Pidge and Shiro and Allura have all said… they believe he’s still… Lance. Despite everything. He might not know any of them, he might not know you, he might not even fully know himself yet, but he hasn’t been re-wired. He just needs time. And what you can do for him is give him that time. Those little earpieces that Pidge made gave Doctor Allan a lot of hope that his memories might come back! And you being with him could help trigger them."

"I can’t force you to go and see him, but I think if you go, you might find that a lot of this fear you have will lessen tremendously. If you just sit down and talk to him, you’ll see."

"I’m supposed to have a shift in his hall soon. You can come into his room with me if you like. Introduce yourself, and try it out. Test the waters."

Keith swallowed his hands wringing around the coffee cup. "And if I lose it?" He asks. "Right there in front of him?"

"Then he’ll be happy to know that there are so many people in his life who care about him. He’ll feel loved. Isn’t that what you want? To be able to love him?"

Keith bit his lip and let out a long breath through his nose, his hands wringing even tighter around his mug.

"More than anything." He replied.

"Then let’s go see him." Anna said softly, smiling as Keith nodded and followed her out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eventually, the timelines will catch up to one another. Pay attention because as the story progresses, you'll start to notice more and more that the things that happen in the past are influencing Keith's thoughts and decisions in the future. Memories Keith has of the past might have a bigger role to play as they're eventually written out in the past sections of the chapter. These two stories are not as separate as they may seem to be right now. 
> 
> Also, disclaimer: Lance's thoughts that he is "weak" and "pathetic" for being afraid to love Keith are expressions of his own self-deprecation and fear. I am in no way claiming that you are pathetic if you're afraid to love someone in the ways that Lance is. In fact, I'm trying to state the opposite. These negative things he is feeling will find resolve, but before that, he has a bit more to learn. Until then, know that I want you all to see eventually the strength that comes with owning who you are and the challenges you face along the road to accepting yourself can be ugly but don't hold any truth. My personal opinion is that Lance is strong as hell, he just hasn't realized it for himself yet.


	10. Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, folks, this fic has reached 50,000 words!!!! Is that crazy or what?!? We're like halfway through!! I had no idea I would be writing a 100k+ fic, but that's where I'm at in my drafts. Hope you all are fine with that lol. This fic is like... my therapy at the moment after season 8. I'm not going to rant about my feelings towards it as they are 90% negative and we're not here to be concerned with cannon, are we? We're here to celebrate the amazing and beautiful dynamic that Keith and Lance so clearly have with each other. I don't know about you all, but I very much adore this ship, and plan to keep writing fics for it for a long time, cannon or no. Hope you guys will stick around even though the show has ended. Personally, I feel that the creations by the fans that have been inspired by the show are what made me love it. So it is in that spirit that I give you this early holiday treat, and wish you all the happiest holiday of seasons! Enjoy <3

***Pre-accident: Week 15, day 5***

If Lance had any interest in openly expressing his thoughts and being honest about what and how he feels at the moment, he would have admitted to the fact that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. However, he is not interested in that at all. In all honesty, he himself didn't even know what the hell he felt. The truth is that despite what he may tell himself and everyone else, had they been aware of the fact that he was attempting to leave the castle right now, was that he was unsure on every level as to what the hell was going on with himself.

He had spent the first part of the night packing up various sustenance for his… he didn’t even know, was it a trip? An escape? An expedition? Whatever it was, he was preparing for it like it could last years, with plenty of goo packets, water, and first aid to spare. He had trecked around the castle all night looking for everything he could possibly need and was now finally loading it into the storage compartments of the red lion.

He intended on coming back. That much he was certain of, but he wouldn’t be coming back without Keith.

It had been going smoothly, no complications, no roadblocks, nobody telling him not to, and then he ran smack dab into Pidge. Or maybe tripped over her would be the better word. She had fallen asleep right outside one of the castles equipment rooms surrounded by technology that he didn’t recognize, head lolled over onto her shoulder and glasses askew. He had tripped over her outstretched foot as he rushed passed before he even realized that she was there at all.

She woke up with a start, her big eyes flying open as her glasses fell down her nose with the sharp jolt of her head as she snapped awake.

Everything that Lance had been carrying, his final trip worth of supplies, fell scattered around him as he face planted into the ground.

Moaning in pain, he rolled on to his back, irritated, as Pidge shoved her glasses back into place and rushed over to help him.

“Lance!” She said. “What the hell man?! Why are you running around the castle in the middle of the night?!”

“Why did YOU fall asleep in the hallway and trip me?!” He retorted, taking the hand that Pidge had offered him.

“It wasn’t on purpose. And I just…. got invested in my work, that’s - wait.” She said looking at the ground. “What’s all this stuff?”

Lance scowled, blushing slightly and knowing that there was no way Pidge would let him out of this one.

“Something you weren’t supposed to know about…” he muttered defeatedly.

Pidge blinked up at him incredulously, having already put the pieces together at an unbelievably fast pace in true Pidge fashion.

“Wait, you were trying to leave?! What, are you stupid?!”

“Hey! Didn’t you tried to do the same thing on Arus!”

“Yeah, when we had been a team for only like, a week! It’s been two years since then Lance! Unlike you, it seems that over time I realized how stupid of an idea leaving is! Has it not been proven enough?! Me? Keith and Allura?? Where the hell were you even planning on going?!”

“You know what Pidge? I don’t know,” Lance said, frustrated. “But the Blade is missing and none of you seem to care about that, so I was going to go and look for them myself!”

“What do you mean none of us care about that, what do you think I was working on for so long out here?” She said throwing an arm in the direction of her little makeshift workstation. “I’m just as worried as you, and we’re all trying our best to do what we can without jeopardizing Voltron.”

“And every second we don’t get any new answers, they could’ve gotten into even more danger!” Lance shot back. “I can’t sit around anymore! I can’t contribute like you and Hunk and Coran, I’m not able to do shit while were in the castle, so I’m doing what I can, and going out to look for him myself!”

“Him?” Pidge asked. “So this is something to do with Keith?”

Lance’s stomach dropped a bit. “Keith and the entire Blade, yes!” He said, trying to lead the conversation as far away from the boy in question as quickly as possible. And despite the scrutinizing narrow-eyed stair that Pidge gave him, it seemed to work.

“Fine.” She said. “Let’s say you leave. Where would you start your search? How would you use the tech in red to avoid the Galra? What if you ran into the Galra? What about your outdated navigation systems that I still have to update? What about the vastness of space? How would you get anywhere fast enough without wormholes? What if you take a hit and are out of commission? What if you run out of supplies? What if you get stranded or captured or-”

“It’s all I can do Pidge!!! Lance yelled. I’m useless here! I can’t help them like you all can! I’m just… useless. And I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to them and I had just sat by doing nothing! I don’t know what I’m doing Pidge! Apparently, I never do, but I have to do something…. I have to try. I… I thought there might still be a way that red could connect with Keith. That… that I could pilot her to him and the rest of the Blade if she would lead me there.”

Pidge stared up at Lance, who refused to meet her gaze, looking down at his feet helplessly.

Pidge sighed. “That actually isn’t the worst idea.” She said truthfully. “And you aren’t useless or stupid or whatever other bullshit you’ve been telling yourself. What’s stupid is that you didn’t tell any of us this idea. It’s... It’s possible that their link hasn’t been severed. And if you could connect to the red lion enough… she could lead you to him.”

“But doing that alone? It’s dangerous as hell. If we do it, we should all do it together so we don’t separate. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because I didn’t want you to tell me no. And that’s usually what happens with most of my ideas.”

Pidge sighed again. “Lance, you can’t leave. My saying that in of itself is proof that you don’t give yourself enough god damn credit with these things. If you leave, the team falls. Why? Because whether or not you believe it, you are an important part of this team. So let’s bring the idea to Shiro tomorrow ok? Just please do not leave. I mean, not knowing where Keith is at is already hard enough. Don’t make my stress even worse.” She said this with a smile, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes like it was almost too serious of a concern for her to really and truly joke about.

Lance, finally defeated, sighed and slumped down to the floor, putting his head in his hands.

“Fine,” he muttered. “Fine…”

Pidge had never seen this level of anxiety from Lance. She had never seen him so unsure of himself. So self-deprecating and upset.

Pidge took a seat down in front of him, scanning the boy with more scrutinizing stares that he ignored.

“So this is about Keith.” She said, looking as if she was trying not to look smug.

Lance sighed again but just stayed quiet, not responding to her as her expression shifted into a more compliant one.

“Ok.” She said. “You don’t want to talk about it. I get it. I just wanted to make sure that you’re ok.”

“In what way...?” Lance asked, pinching his eyebrows together. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Pidge stared at Lance incredulously.

“I don’t know, besides the fact that you want to shoot yourself into space in the middle of the night? I’m just worried about you Lance. You’ve kinda been keeping to yourself. I guess I’m just more used to you being everywhere at once. Now I have to look for you if I want to find you. It just felt to me like something could be up.”

“I’ve just been… training. And stuff. Helps me keep my mind off of things.”

“What things?” Pidge asked. “Besides the obvious things were all stressed about? You’re more worked up than all of us combined!”

Lance just sighed, shutting his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose between two fingers.

He hated this. He hated that every single day was just one long, loud, unpleasant cacophony of all the little voices in his head screaming for him to get up and do something, mixed with the other half of the voices that told him to just shut up and listen to Shiro’s plan whether he liked it or not. Shiro knew what he was talking about, Shiro had the team, and Keith’s best interest. He knew that. He could see that. But despite even that, he still could not get it out of his head that Keith and the rest of the Blade were out there somewhere, needing Voltron’s help, and it was more or less eating away at him every single minute they weren’t scanning every corner of the universe.

At first, it had been bad. Like really bad. Panic attacks at the middle of space equivalent of what felt like 4 am on earth, where he hugged his pillow like his life depended on it, trying to push away the images his latest nightmare had trapped in his brain. Keith dead and bleeding out, Keith fighting for his life and lance able to do nothing but watch as he tries to reach him and help. Keith’s blank, vacant gaze as he dies in Lance’s arms. It had woken him up in a sweat every night for what now feels like forever and it’s done significant damage to his mental health.

He pretends, vehemently, that he can’t understand why this is happening to him and chooses to ignore the feeling of regret that he wakes up with alongside the fear and devastation. The regret that might hurt even more than the other emotions put together. In terms of witnessing a death you couldn’t help to stop in a dream, regret doesn’t seem like something that’s all too unlikely for him to feel, but somehow Lance knows that this regret is from something different. Something not even seen in the dreams. The terrifying thought that if Keith died out there, he would go, believing that Lance hated him.

All the sleepless nights were beginning to stack up and most of the time, he appeared to be nearly catatonic because of it. Scared out of his wits, high in anxiety, and in general, feeling like he was about to burst.

The Blade was secretive. It probably wasn’t uncommon for them to disappear. Secret organizations should be good at that kind of thing, right? Keith was probably fine and yet he couldn’t shake it. The dreams still came and he still was restless.

Silence stretched on in the conversation that Pidge was trying to have with Lance, enough so that Pidge thought he wasn’t going to say anything more but then he spoke up again out of the blue.

Lance hadn't expected that he would speak as much as Pidge hadn't, but the words had been sitting heavily on his tongue for so long that he felt if he didn't say something to someone, he would go insane.

“Keith almost died.” He muttered softly.

The words didn’t even fully register in Pidge’s brain at first, but when she realized what exactly it was that Lance was saying, her eyes widened. Turning to look at him, seeming very confused, she furrowed her brows.

“What do you mean?” She asked slowly.

”Only Matt and I know.” He said softly. ”Matt saw the whole thing, and I only know because I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and overheard a conversation they were having. Apparently, Keith was going to run his ship into the cruiser at Naxella to disable it and stop the explosion. He wasn’t able to go through with it though because Lotor was there on time. If it wasn’t for his interception, he would have died.”

“That's all it is I guess.” He continued. “I got mad at him for it when I should have just kept my mouth shut. He told me it was the only option at the time and in a way he was right, it just really freaked me out I guess. The idea of losing him- someone I know very well… I realized that life is so fragile out here, and because everything is so uncertain, it should be your effort, every day, to make sure the people around you know that you care because they could be gone seconds later without any warning.”

“Keith and I never really got along well, yeah, but I'm realizing that if he's dead out there, it doesn't matter what complicates our relationship. I should at least be trying to do something. He deserves as much.”

Pidge hummed, thinking. “So that’s why you’re paranoid now. Because you know now that he didn’t hesitate before to give himself up for the mission. You’re worried he will do it again.”

“That doesn’t freak you out?!” Lance asked, incredulous.

“I'm not saying I like the idea!” Pidge defended. “But that's Keith. It doesn't surprise me that he would try to do something like that. It clears a lot up actually. I felt the same way about my family before I found them. I would have done anything just to know that they weren't dead. That they were ok. I hated not knowing. But for whatever reason in this instance with Keith, I have a bit more hope that things will turn out ok in the end. I don’t know, maybe it’s your determination that’s making me feel like it will all be ok. Love can accomplish anything. I was able to find my family because if it.”

Lance’s brow furrowed. “What does that have to do with me?” His tone was defensive. Accusatory. Walls shooting up as soon as Pidge had insinuated anything.

Pidge just sighed. Nothing… she said softly. You’ll figure this all out eventually.

Lance stared at her, still confused. The tone of her voice made it difficult to tell if that was supposed to be a bit of encouragement for his stress or telling him that he would eventually figure something out something that he should already know and she already knew too. He wasn't given the time to ask for her to clarify, however, because she was suddenly standing up, waving her hand up and down to tell Lance to follow her example. With a sigh, he stood and helped Pidge gather the fallen supplies and take them back into storage.

When they finally reached pidges room on the way back from returning the supplies, she grabbed his arm before he walked away after saying goodnight and pulled him into a tight hug.

Lance froze up a bit at the feeling of Pidge’s arms squeezing around his middle, her head against his chest. Slowly he returned the hug, unsure of what else to do.

“I’m worried about him too.” She whispered, more vulnerability in her voice than he had heard from Pidge in a while. “That's why you can't leave. Not only will I rip you to shreds if you do, but I have a feeling you'll be able to find him. We’ll find him. Together. All of us”

That was reassurance. This time Lance could tell. And for the first time in what felt like had been a while, he smiled, his anxiety soothing just a bit. He would find him. No matter the result, they would find him.

__

 

When morning came, Lance had not slept. Despite having tried, all he was able to do was lie in bed and rehearse the plan he had shared with Pidge to an imaginary Allura and Shiro. But still, by the time he had arrived on the main deck, he felt like he had no idea what he would say. How he would even begin to propose the idea. Lucky for him though, Pidge took care of the introduction.

The topic of the Blade of Marmora’s disappearance had been brought up and Pidge jumped in. “Actually, she started, Lance and I were talking last night and he had an idea about finding the Blade that could actually really work.”

Intrigued, the gathered group looked to Lance with interest and Lance felt his palms sweat at the attention as he wrung them together behind his back. It was weird feeling out of place in the spotlight, but this particular attention was one he didn’t like. Clearing his throat he scuffed his foot against the ground sheepishly.

“Red and I have been bonding more recently. I feel like our connection keeps getting better. I was worried at first because you know, Keith and red had a really strong bond right off the bat. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to get to the same level they had, but then I wondered if maybe, especially with how strongly bonded red and Keith were, that I could somehow communicate with red and find Keith through her. Like, ask red to sense for him or something. We already figured out that lions have the ability to connect over vast distances with their paladins. Red has already done that with Keith before. Why couldn’t it happen now?”

“You saying that actually brings up an interesting point… the fact that it hasn’t happened already. Allura mused. Keith did have a very strong bond with the red lion, enough so that whenever he was in danger she tried to go after him. It could be possible that the red lion hasn’t acted on anything because Keith is not in danger.”

“We can’t rely on that assumption though.” Shiro supplied. “We really don’t know the intricacies enough to determine anything for sure. That’s why if Lance thinks he could tap into Keith’s bond with the red lion, I think we should take the opportunity to try.”

“There is another issue though,” Allura spoke up again. “As Shiro said, we really don't have much of a scientific understanding of the bond between a lion and its paladin, but what we’ve learned from you all, as well as the paladins of old, is that sensing another paladins bond with their lion is not common. My father assumed that it would require a significant bond between the two pilots as usually, the only bond you are able to feel is your own. If red could guide you, that would be one thing, but if you only have their bond to go off of, it might be difficult. You and Keith are bonded of course because of Voltron but neither of you ever struck me as… close.”

“Well…” Lance swallowed. “I’ve been trying to tap into it already and I think I got something… at least a bit. It’s kind of a mix of both red guiding me and me feeling the bond between Keith and red… I just, I feel like if we just give it a chance, the results would only improve.”

“You truly feel that your bond with Keith is strong enough to find Keith’s connection to the red lion?” Allura asked, doubtful.

Lance bit the inside of his lip, considering his answer. Considering why that answer was an unequivocal “yes” in his head, and why he was hesitant to say anything so confidently out loud. Considering every reason that he and Keith were closer than any of the team really knew.

His answer still was undoubtedly yes. So he nodded, looking Allura in the eyes in an attempt to convey as much sincerity as he could in his expression. And it seemed to work. Allura nodded and turned back to the rest of the team. “Then it is decided. Now that we have a viable way to find him, we should not waste time in the effort.”

“Agreed,” Shiro said. Let’s get to our lions. “Lance, you lead the formation and we’ll follow behind you. Coran.” He said turning to him. “Keep the ship in close to us. If we run into an ambush we need to be prepared. Everyone clear?”

The team nodded.

“Then let’s move out.”

Lance obliged on wobbly legs. Walking over to the red lion's exit door on the bridge and taking the path to the lion with his heart beating furiously the whole time. What was he thinking? Making the entire team believe that he could find him. What if he couldn’t. What if he didn’t feel as strongly as he thought he did and wouldn’t be able to gain any semblance or feeling regarding Keith’s location. Why had he been so sure? Why had the team so easily believed him?

Doubt was swelling inside of him faster than he could try and smother it, and it left him with knots in his stomach all the way to reds cockpit.

He shifted shakily, grabbing the controls delicately, with hesitation leaking from his fingertips before his grasp tightened firmly. “Ok.” He whispered. “Ok Red. Listen. Please…. Please Red… help me find him.”

The red lion’s questioning concern pushed gently at Lance’s consciousness, giving him chills as he realized she could feel how anxious he was.

“You and him…” he continued. “You had a strong bond. I know you did. Please, Red... help me find him.”

Something inside of him flared with determination. The red lion’s determination. It boiled in his gut and enveloped his thoughts as red realized what Lance needed. What Lance was asking for. He could feel her searching the cosmos. His consciousness being pulled over multiple vast distances across the universe with her as she searched. It grew more frantic as time spread, Lance sensing that the red lion could not find him. With another push against his thoughts, she felt her plea for help. Asking him to search with her. To feed her his bond with Keith as something to track. So Lance closed his eyes. Focusing.

He thought only of Keith, which truthfully was easier than he cared to admit. There was a lot of things he felt inside when it came to his feelings about Keith. Many of which he repressed. Lance sensed that this complicated things for red and swallowed, a pit in his stomach forming as he steeled himself and prepared to leave it all out on the table. Everything.

He thought of Keith’s eyes. Deep and piercing and beautiful. A dark grey-blue that Lance swore looked purple at a glance. He thought if his inky black hair, light skin, soft smile. He thought of his lips. And then, everything washed out of him like a dam breaking. His lips. His hand on the small of his back and trailing down his chest. The feeling of him against him. Warm and strong and steady.

He thought of the sparks that had erupted and then the subsequent terror that followed and smothered them. He thought of his father's face and every single fantasy that Lance had had where he brought Keith home to his family. Fantasies he repressed as they ranged from resounding acceptance to complete and utter disapproval. Feelings of heartbreak consuming him as he thought about the potential for a lost family.

But then… but then he let himself, for Red's sake, for Keith’s sake, for the sake of being as open as he could be so that he could break through to his connection with Keith, he let himself imagine, hesitantly, the even more terrifying fantasy of acceptance. Terrifying simply because it seemed so unlikely that if he indulged in it enough to think in some way that it actually could happen, he knew the pain would be horribly crippling if it ended up going badly after letting himself be hopeful. He imagined the potential ultimatums that could be presented to him. The miserable feeling of ripping in half that he would feel if he were forced to choose Keith or his family.

But then there were the feelings of elation that he would feel. The feeling of completeness. The Earth-shattering, universe-bending joy of potentially having both, if his father ever came around to the idea. The overwhelming feelings of happiness he would feel upon getting the opportunity to give Keith a family of his own within Lance’s.

He thought all this with the undeniable realization that all of this implied one thing and one thing only. Despite his fear, despite his doubts. Despite everything that should have held him back and kept him back easily, Lance was in love with him. Or at the very least falling for him. Regardless of literally every single thing that would be enough of a reason to make him uninterested in pursuing a relationship with the boy, Lance’s heart persisted, much to the disapproval of his brain. Helpless to the pull that Keith had on Lance.

He opened his mind, his heart to Red, leaving it all out in the open for her to see, and her presence wrapped around him with feelings of comfort amidst his shaking fear. She absorbed the information, absorbed every feeling that had been trapped in his chest and followed it through every galaxy until the tug of his emotions across the vast distances of space was confronted with a small, fluttering presence that attached itself to the emotions. Feelings of strength and stubborn determination. Fury, heat, and burning compassion. Confusion and clumsiness in the face of the enormity of just how much he cared. It was Keith. Keith’s very soul called out to them, making Lance feel like something had grabbed the fabric of his shirt and was now pulling him closer and closer.

This was Keith. There was no other explanation. Across the cosmos Keith was calling out to him, pulling him towards him. Like a paladin to their lion, Lance could feel his presence through the bond that he and red shared.

He had found him. After everything, Lance had finally found him. He had found Keith.

This time when he took Red’s controls, there was no hesitation in his hands. He gripped on tight, determinant and strong, charging the lion out of her hanger and into the stars, team Voltron following right behind him.

 

***Post-accident: Week 7 Day 1***

 

Keith felt like he was going to throw up, his nerves raising like vile in his throat as he followed Anna down the familiar halls. He was terrified, just the idea of Lance locking eyes with him threatening to make him feel weak and unprepared.

But Anna was right… everyone was right. This needed to happen. Lance needed him, so he was going to shove away his own stupid anxieties and goddammit he was finally going to be there for his fiancé like he had promised.

Having determination was one thing, but it did little to quell his erratic heartbeat. So he walked, fists balled tightly at his sides, trying to remind himself to breathe as Lance’s room drew nearer and nearer. This was Lance. Coma or not this was still Lance, and Lance Keith knew better than he knew himself. Lance was not a stranger. Keith may be to him, but he knew Lance. No matter the circumstance.

Just don’t cry. He told himself. Be strong for him. Just hold it in and don’t fucking cry.

But as soon as Anna’s hand went for the doorknob and she turned to give him a final look that said: “are you ready?” He was absolutely sure that his plan would fall through.

Keith nodded to Anna anyways, and she smiled warmly at him, probably trying to be reassuring, and then turned the handle while subsequently making Keith feel like each and every one of his internal organs had frozen over in the same instant.

Breathe. He reminded himself. Breathe, it’s just Lance. It’s just Lance.

Anna opened the door slowly, putting a bright smile on for Lance as she peeked through the door and knocked lightly on its surface.

“Hey,” she said softly, and Keith’s heart skipped several beats when he heard Lance respond with a cheerful “Hey Anna,” before she continued.

“I know your entourage just left but would you be up for having another visitor?” She asked.

“Another?” Lance said, sounding surprised but intrigued. “Yeah, sure, I guess.”

And Lance’s voice… Lance’s fucking voice. So familiar, so light and easy, so Lance. The last time Keith had heard Lance speak, he had been saying goodbye… his voice broken and weak as he struggled to push past the pain and tell Keith that he loved him. That he was sorry. That he would miss him so much. He hadn’t heard lances voice since the day Keith thought he had lost him forever.

And just like that, tears were filling Keith’s eyes, his breath catching in his throat as he lost the semblance of composure he had tried to gain back because Lance was right there. His voice clear and bright and Lance. No pain ebbed into his words. No struggle. He was right there. Alive and well and god, Keith suddenly didn’t even care that he would have no idea who he was, a joy consuming him so completely at the simple fact that he was about to talk to Lance again after holding him in his arms as he died. Feeling his pulse go still against the nose he had buried into his neck while he sobbed, thinking that he would never be with Lance again.

When Anna stepped aside and opened the door for Keith, his eyes fell on the ruffled brown hair, tan skin and bright, bright blue eyes that Keith just absolutely loved so much. He looked beautiful, and Keith's heart swelled. And then, unexpectedly, a bit of recognition did pass Lance’s features, his face lighting up as he said. “Oh Hey! It’s you! Keith! You were the one that was with me when I woke up right?”

And goddammit these pesky tears filling up his eyes were fogging up his view of this bright, beautiful boy in front of him, and Keith found himself wiping them away as best he could just so that he could look at him. The life ebbing off his every sunny feature.

Keith smiled, actually nearly grinned, even laughed, if a bit hysterically, replying, “yeah, that was me.”

He walked into the room and Anna slipped out silently closing the door behind him, leaving the two alone.

Lance was still smiling at him as he moved closer, his happy, open expression threatening to make Keith’s chest burst open in a colorful display of adoration and love. He pulled a chair up to his bed and kept wiping away the tears that were perpetually falling from his eyes.

Then, just as Keith was about to sit, Lance spoke up again, his expression soft.

“What, no hug?” He asked. “It’s kinda been a pattern with all these friends I’ve got showing up. A big hug, and then catching up. Are you not a hugger?”

Keith thought of the irony of that sentence as Lance had teased him numerous times, especially when he had the chance to do it in front of the others, that “Mr. No Contact Keith turned into a veritable koala every night.” It never failed to make the team coo and Keith blush furiously as he couldn’t even deny the claim.

“No, not really, but you give some of the best hugs so my preferences don’t apply here.” He replied, extremely proud of himself for the honest, lighthearted answer he was able to give. And he was even prouder when he saw the face cracking grin that it was able to erupt onto Lance’s face as he chuckled and opened his arms for Keith to come into.

Keith, heart skipping wildly, moved forwards, holding his breath as he met Lance’s embrace with his own, pressing up into him and wrapping his arms around him. He didn’t dig his nose into the side of his neck, or pull back and turn the hug into a kiss like he had grown used to doing so many times before. He just gave him a simple hug. A hug that a friend would give, while simultaneously trying to pour as much love into it as he could, hoping Lance could feel it.

He knew, to some extent, that this grinning boy with limbs that only somewhat worked was putting up a front with all his smiles and laughing. Keith knew him well enough to know that that was his defense mechanism. A way to hide how he was truly feeling. A bit of it did manage to feel genuine, but he knew that the amount of smiling he was doing was a bit overkill. Had he not seen Keith as a stranger, he would probably be looking and acting much more relaxed, not as giddy or hyper. Even still, the smiling look on Lance’s face managed to make Keith’s heart swell in his chest and he couldn’t help but be happy in the presence of it.

Pulling back, he just chuckled as Lance just kept smiling, while he sat down in the chair he had pulled up.

“So I’m going to jump right in here and ask this because it’s been driving me pretty insane ever since I woke up.”

Keith, still crying, even though it didn’t seem to bother Lance, nodded, wiping his eyes again.

“Alright.” He said. “Shoot.”

“Did we have a sleepover or something the night before I woke up? I’ve been mulling it over in my head for a bit now, naturally, and can’t figure out for the life of me why the hell you were there so early.” He said this with a little laugh, “like is that even aloud or?” And then, just like that, the first pang of pain and nervousness hit Keith’s chest as he realized what exactly this meant. Lance didn’t know why Keith had been with him because Lance had no idea that there was anything more than friendship between them.

And then, another problem, this was one of those questions that Keith had hoped Lance wouldn’t ask simply because the truthful answer was something that he had promised himself he wouldn’t tell Lance. Saying it was because he was the love of his life, and he was hysterical and didn’t want to leave him alone was not a response that a friend would give. But that meant that the only alternative was lying and Keith wasn’t exactly comfortable with that either. Not with Lance.

Panic bubbled up inside him a bit as he tried frantically to come up with an impossible answer. One that wouldn’t be a lie but also wouldn’t be the truth, and came up with nothing. So, frantically, he pulled whatever he could from the thin air around him and just let the words fall out of his mouth.

“Oh, yeah. Honestly, that was a bit unexpected for me too. I figure I must have just fallen asleep, and you know Anna… she probably didn’t want to wake me or something and let me stay through the night. Seems like something she’d do anyway.”

That was a lie. It was a big huge lie and it made Keith absolutely sick to his stomach knowing that he readily was lying to Lance. His fiancé and best friend, who was so vulnerable right now and didn’t know any better other than to be trusting. Lance trusted him and Keith was taking advantage of it and it made him feel terrible.

“Ohhh.” Lance mused. “Alright, that makes sense. I never asked her because I didn’t want to get you in trouble or something.” Lance laughed. “I guess she’s cool though.”

“Yeah, she was amazing. While you were… under, she was always there to help. I really grew to trust her. She took real good care of you and really helped all of us pull through and stay positive.”

Lance seemed to visibly sooth at that and Keith was able to feel a bit better. “That’s really nice to hear.” He smiled.

And then, quick as a whip, he was into the next topic, doing what he could to keep the conversation from going quiet. Keith knew his proficiency with small talk well. Lance was an incredible conversationalist. An area that he himself lacked the necessary prowess in. Many, many times his skills got Keith out of uncomfortable situations as Lance was able to read a room extremely well and his own fiancé's subtle emotions even better. Countless times he had saved Keith’s butt during diplomatic meetings with his skills and Keith was just as thankful for them then as he was for them now.

“So tell me about yourself, Keith.” Lance smiled. “Anything I should know about you. I did ask the others to get some feelers on you but I want my information from the source.”

Keith was thrown for a loop, yet again, despite having come into this room expecting nothing less. Lance had been asking about him? They had maybe seen each other for less than 10 minutes when he woke up before Keith had run away and broken down. He hadn’t realized that he had made enough of an impact on him for Lance to feel inclined to ask about him weeks later.

“Oh yeah?” He said, brushing off the feelings of uneasiness that washed over himself as he tried to look casual and calm. “What did the others say about me?”

Lance grinned and laughed at whatever memory was playing through his head from when he had asked about Keith and Keith had to fight every feeling within himself to keep from blushing, though he’s not exactly sure how successful of an attempt it was.

“Oh you know, just some small things here and there. Pidge told me you ride an old-fashioned motorcycle. Like the ones that don’t hover? But you’ve got a hoverbike too. Any of that true?”

Keith had to fight harder not to blush now. Why, out of all the things about Keith, had they told Lance that he liked bikes?! They knew that was like… a _thing_ for Lance right? He thought he recalled Lance telling them all as much. That he thought it was extremely hot or something like that and Keith, until that day, hadn’t known an interest in bikes was a thing that could be hot to someone, nor did he understand how or why. Nevertheless, post-coma Lance bringing it up now, with a little grinning smirk on his face got Keith far more flustered than was appropriate and coughed, a little awkwardly.

“Oh, uh... yeah.” He said, swallowing. “Who told you that?” But as soon as he’d posed the question, Keith had already figured it out.

“Oh, wait, it was totally Pidge wasn't it.” He muttered.

Lance laughed again. “What, is that something that people don’t know about you or something? You don’t have to worry, I happen to think it’s pretty cool.” Lance said and Keith may as well just have keeled over and died right there. What was he thinking? Giving Lance any reason to believe that this was embarrassing to talk about even if it was somewhat of a kink for Lance that he didn’t even know about. Being visibly embarrassed was only going to make Lance ask more questions and Keith definitely couldn’t afford more questions.

“No, she.. uh... she just thinks it’s… lame… or something.” Keith lied pathetically, knowing full well that Pidge didn’t give a damn about him liking bikes and was only invested in the information because she knew that Lance, quote, "has a thing for men in leather." Keith felt his ears get redder at the thought.

“Well, I disagree.” He reassured. “Sounds really fun actually. Maybe when I’m not crippled you could take me for a spin!”

Keith shoved down his bubbling embarrassment with a kind smile and chuckled. “Yeah.” He replied. “That could be fun.”

And then they moved right along again, now playing 20 questions per Lance’s enthusiastic suggestion.

“What’s your favorite color?” He asked

“Red,” Keith responded  
_Yours is blue._ He thought.

“Books or movies?”

“Books.”  
_You love movies..._

“Cats or dogs?”

“Dogs.”  
_You wouldn’t be able to choose…_

“Sweet or savory?”

“Sweet.”  
_You always tease me about my secret sweet tooth before fighting me for the last of the dessert._

“Favorite hobby?”

“Fixing things.”

“Fixing things?”

“Yeah. Like mechanical things. Cars, engines, things like that. I like to use my hands. Fixing problems… there's a nice sense of accomplishment that comes with being the reason that something broken works again.”

“So your bikes were totally trash bikes then right?” Lance grinned excitedly, seeming to already be sure of the answer.

“They aren’t anymore.” Keith smiled gently.

“Wow, that sounds awesome man! Now I really want to see!”

“As soon as your legs get working again, I’ll definitely take you up on that.”

Lance smiled softly and then quickly resumed a look of concentration, tapping his thigh with his finger as he thought of his next question.

“Ok serious questions now. Do you believe in Aliens?” He asked. And Keith just about choked to death.

“Uh… yeah…” Keith said, his voice a bit strangled. “Seems like it’s possible. Do, uh... do you?”

“Nah,” Lance said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “That’s crazy. Like don’t get me wrong I get it… why people think they’re real, but it’s a bit too far-fetched for me.”

“I’ve always really liked the stars though… space and other galaxies and all that.. or at least I’m pretty sure. I remember feeling fascinated by the concept of space itself. I used to get astronomy books and read all about the breakthrough theories that came out. I got a telescope once, as a gift maybe? And we had this flat area on my roof and I would climb out my window and spend hours there at night…. his expression sombered a bit, as he stared off at nothing in particular, seeming to lose himself in the memory before he finally pulled himself out of it and resumed his regularly scheduled smile. That’s the one memory of my childhood that has surfaced so far. And even it is just bits and pieces. It’s not a huge memory but it's nice to know something. Now I remember why I love the stars and that's better than feeling like I don't know myself at all, you know?

Keith knew. He remembered Lance telling him the same story one night when they had put together a little date on the observation deck. Lance had stared at the stars as they reflected back into his eyes and that same somber expression came back to him. He had cuddled closer into Keith, still looking at them wistfully out the window as he told him about his dad buying him the telescope for his birthday, how happy he was. How jealous his siblings were and how he went out onto his roof every night giving the stars he thought had boring names, new ones, fit to Lance’s fancy.

He said that he had taught his siblings to recognize the different constellations while they created new ones. He reminisced so fondly of the warm Cuban air and the sound of the waves as he dreamed of going up there to meet each star in person.

The story had had the same effect on Keith then as it did now, filling him with warmth and love for the boy with stars in his eyes. So when he nodded to Lance and said he understood, it may have been with a bit more fondness than necessary but Keith couldn’t bring himself to care.

“That’s one of the things we bonded over actually.” Keith found himself saying.

“Really?” Lance asked

“Yeah. You told me that same story once, a while ago… I felt the same way you felt about the stars. An intense amazement, a calming, humbling sense of awe... It brought us closer I think.”

Lance’s entire body went soft at that. His smile, his eyes, his demeanor. It looked like it meant a lot to him to hear, and Keith yet again was happy that he was able to give Lance something to smile at.

“That sounds… really nice.” He said gently. “How close was my story to the time I first told you? Is my memory getting it right?”

Keith smiled. “Yeah, pretty damn accurate. Have a lot of memories been coming back to you?” He asked. His voice a bit more hopeful than he probably would have preferred it to sound.

“Not exactly.” Lance said. “If I have something come to me it’s pretty foggy. I’ll feel an emotion towards something I hear about or see and then I kind of think about it for a while until I get bits and pieces of a narrative to it, if I get a narrative at all. There’s not really a pattern to it.”

“Well, it’s a positive sign that you’re at least getting something I guess.” Keith offered.

Lance nodded. “Oh definitely.” He said. “Like I said, I would take this over nothing any day.”

Keith smiled as Lance continued to explain, losing himself in the animated gestures and expressions Lance was displaying as he spoke. He was having a conversation with Lance. Casual and friendly and maybe it did feel a bit stiff at times, the kind of stiffness that came with meeting new people that had long since disappeared from Lance’s and Keith’s relationship. But Lance was here. Looking happy and carefree and Keith couldn’t help but fall in love with him again with every word he spoke.

Memory or not, this was the same boy that Keith adored with his entire soul. He was his everything. His happiness. And if Keith had the ability to keep Lance smiling, nothing else in the world mattered.

Lance had developed a slightly rougher disposition over time. The kind of roughness that was inevitably given to anyone fighting a war.

Out of them all, Keith felt that Lance was one of the people that hadn’t let the war dull his spirit as much as it definitely could have, but he still, like all of the rest of them, had been affected. Him and Keith had exchanged multiple nights of calming each other down from nightmares, and there was a sort of edge with which they all carried themselves, having to be ready for an attack at any moment. But talking to him now, Keith realized that the all of the traits that he had developed because of the war seemed to be non existent. He felt lighter. Free, and easy. He wasn’t geared up to fight, he was simply trying to get better, pumping out as much positivity that he could to keep his spirits high.

Seeing Lance like that… happy and without the stress of a war… it was everything that Keith wanted for him. It was the peace that he wished all of his teammates would be able to achieve again. And Lance had gotten it. He was free of the war now. He had the opportunity to start over. For the first time, Keith wasn’t looking forward to all his memories coming back, whishing he could shield Lance from it for forever. The love he felt for this bright, beaming boy quickly grew big enough to compete even with the perpetual pain Keith was feeling knowing that Lance couldn’t remember him. That he didn’t love him.

“Ok, Lance said suddenly switching topics again and Bringing Keith out of his reverie. Next question, ummm…”

Keith watched him fondly as Lance’s eyes moved around the room as though he was looking for inspiration until they went down to Keith’s hand and then to his chest before meeting his eyes again.

“What are your rings for?” Lance asked.  
It was an innocent question. One of curiosity more than anything else. It was as good intentioned as all the rest of the questions had been, Keith knew that, he really did, but hearing it made Keith fall completely still nonetheless.

He looked tentatively down at his left hand where his ring shined beautifully on his third finger and then to his chest where Lance’s blue ring dangled down from its cord. Keith flushed and again, he was panicking. How the hell did it keep slipping out from under his shirt without him noticing?!

“Uh…” he stuttered, his face sure to be impossibly red. “Well...”

 

Lance noticed his hesitation and his eyes widened cautiously. “Oh.. no-no if it's too personal of a question I completely understand... I was just curious. You don't have to answer that one if you don’t want to…”

Keith let out a short humorless laugh that honestly ended up sounding more like a heavy breath of air as shook his head. “No... he said. It's not that. I... I just, it caught me off guard that’s all.”

“They belong to me and my fiancé. They’re our engagement rings. He always said needing a contract as proof of love was stupid, but I couldn’t resist giving him a wedding anyways.”

Keith smiled softly at the thought until suddenly he was finding it very difficult to associate the memories he had of Lance to Lance sitting right in front of him.

But suddenly Lance was smiling, unaware of Keith’s inner turmoil l as he said, “I agree. I would feel the same way I think. About contracts and stuff. Hey, but who am I kidding. I’d want the wedding too.”

Keith's heart skipped, a dull hopefulness filling his chest.

That was the association he was missing. Still there, just like Lance, still himself. No matter what.

It still managed to strike him with a bit of guilt though. His disassociation between the Lance of his memories and Lance next to him were unfair. They were the same, and by not realizing it, he wasn't being sympathetic to Lance’s situation.

Lance spoke again, but this time, he was cautious.

“Did I know him?” He asked hesitantly. “Your fiancé?”

And honestly, what the fuck was Keith supposed to say to that? “Yeah, you do, but he’s you so I guess you actually don’t know him now.” That wasn’t an option for obvious reasons.

Simply saying no was also not really an option though, because there was no way that Lance wouldn’t known Keith’s supposed other fiancé. If they had been friends in this story that Keith was building there was no way the two wouldn’t have met before. That wouldn’t make sense and Lance was plenty smart enough to find eventually that it didn’t quite add up.

So he went with yes, choosing to not mention the little detail about the fact that Lance was the fiancé in question.

“Oh really, Is he here? Have I seen him yet?”

“No...” Keith replied. “He’s gone - out of the country.” He added quickly. “He’s studying in Europe... for... a while....”

Keith, at this point apparently, was no longer capable of coming up with a valid story, and instead resorted to awkward collages of words stitched together.

“Europe huh? Sounds like a smart guy, but damn, it must be hard being engaged and not being able to be with your own fiancé.”

Keith almost laughed at the irony. “Yeah,” Keith said instead. “It is.”

Again, he didn’t elaborate, not wanting to dig himself a deeper hole, and waited for Lance to fill the silence again.

“Why do you have his ring?” Lance asked. “Why isn’t it with him?”

“Oh,” Keith said, surprisingly finding an excuse come to his head fairly easily. “I severely underestimated how slim his fingers were. When I proposed, he put it on and it was way, way too big. It was almost funny actually, how much smaller his fingers were.”

That was true.

“I took it to get re-sized but it wasn’t done in time for him to get it back before he left.”

That wasn’t.

Lance smiled softly and nodded. “Well, I can’t wait to meet him when he comes back.” He said gently. “He sounds like a great guy.”

“He is,” Keith said back, looking directly into Lance’s eyes as he said it. “I couldn’t imagine what I would do without him.”

The rest of the day went by quicker than expected. Coming into this conversation, Keith had expected it to feel like it would last forever, but he’d forgotten just how easy Lance was to talk to when he wanted to be. He was curious, and positive and enthusiastic about the challenge of figuring himself out when it could have just as easily made him pessimistic and depressed. But that was never the way Lance handled things. He had always been a person that confronted his issues head-on and did everything he could to get through it. To make it right. He was determined. And with that determination, there was no room for self-pity.

When the sky finally grew dark, it had taken them both by surprise.

“Oh,” Lance said, looking at the clock on the wall. “Gosh, I could have sworn that it was just noon!”

Keith looked back at the clock too, seeing that it read 11:47.

“Geez, yeah.” He agreed. “The day really just flew by huh.”

Lance, for what had to be the thousandth time that day, smiled a smile so warm and happy that it made Keith melt. “Were we always this good at talking to each other?” He laughed.

“Yeah.” Keith smiled back gently. “You could say we got along really well.”

There was another pause as Keith considered what he had said for a moment before he grinned.

“Not at first though.” He added eventually.

Lance looked to him, raising an eyebrow. A small little smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. “Oh really?” He asked.

Keith allowed himself a small chuckle. “No…,” he said. “You hated me.”

“I hated you?” Lance asked, seeming surprised, which in of itself pleased Keith a bit.

“Well hate is a strong word, but yeah.” He answered. “Every day it was back and forth between you and I. We drove everyone crazy with our incessant bickering. You called it a rivalry, and I'm the kind of guy who has difficulty backing down when I'm challenged.”

Lance hummed curiously. His eyes fixing in concentration the way they always do when he's learning something new or perplexing. “You seem like it, he smiled.”

Keith couldn’t help but smile a bit in spite of the terrible ache in his chest. He really had no idea at all.

“Ok… but given the past tense you're using, I'm going to assume it's not like that anymore?” Lance continued.

A smile stretched on Keith's lips again. “No...” he said. “Not anymore.”

“What's it like now?” He asked. “Anything like today?”

Keith hesitated. Unsure of what to say. All the things he wanted to say getting caught in the back of his throat. He wanted to tell him. He wanted to give it up and just say everything. We're inseparable. We're best friends, we're happy, we're in love, we're lovers.... or we were... it's the last thought that always stops him. That this Lance had no memories of anything they had ever been. For him, that reality never existed.

He can't tell him that he knew he was in love with him that night he saved Corran's life. He can't tell him how beautiful he thinks he is, and how he has the ability to completely distract him from reality, getting lost in his every feature, not at all worried about whether or not he'll ever find his way out. Not wanting to find his way out. He can't tell him of the passion and intimacy they've shared countless times, and how he knew exactly what would make him fall apart every time, because for Lance, they never had shared any of that. Lance, now, was no diffrent than a stranger, and Keith could never tell a stranger these things. 

So he says what he can. Something that didn't feel like a lie, but also didn't even brush the surface of the severity of their relationship. He lets his face soften, gazing at him in the way Keith knows Lance trusts and feels safe under, whether he knows it or not. "You were one of the people I trusted most. We went through a lot together and it brought us closer. I considered you to be one of my closest friends."

Lances face is surprised, like he hadn't expected it, but the softness in his features and the somber look in his eyes shows that his complete inability to recall any of the things Keith had just said frightens him, and it makes Keith's heart feel heavy.

"Oh." He says softly, his face falling a bit. "Wow... I... Gosh, I wish I remembered that..."

Keith stood up, stretching a bit and giving Lance a calm smile as his eyes tracked his movements.  
"Memory or no memory, we can still be the friends that we always have been, ok? I’ll be here for you every step of the way."

Lance smiled, and Keith swore that Lance’s eyes looked a bit glossy with unshed tears.

"Thank you, Keith." He whispered. And then he was opening his arms for another hug. Keith took it gladly, savoring every moment he was able to hold Lance in his arms.

"Get some rest ok?" He said gently. “I’ll come back and visit you soon.”

"That'd be awesome," Lance replied.

Finally, they said their goodbyes, and as Keith took one last look at Lance before he closed his door and turned down the hall, his heart just sored. When he was alone, back at his bike in the middle of the parking lot of the hospital, Keith cried. Hard. His breath catching as he sobbed uncontrollably. He had expected this result. He had expected that he’d be emotional. But the grin on his face and the swell of hope and love in his chest were everything Keith had not expected, and everything that would keep him going.

He loved Lance. That was something that nothing could take away from him. And that… that, for now, was enough.


	11. Melting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy did I STRUGGLE with this first part of the chapter, holy heck. The semantics just bogged. me. down. In order to progress the plot, I had to delve into a lot of things that I didn't really want to focus this chapter on and yet it was very annoyingly necessary in order for everything to make sense. So basically I ended up arguing with myself for three months on how it should be done until I FINALLY got to a place where I felt satisfied enough. I was honestly so unsure of how to write this chapter in the way that I wanted it that I just kept writing Until it was like 18,000 words lol. I was gonna make it one huge chapter but eventually, I decided that it would be best if I split it up a bit. So good news!! Chapter 12 will be arriving uncharacteristically very soon! Take it as my apology for taking FOREVER on every other update. I meant it when I said that I'm an incurable perfectionist. So I'll get to work on wrapping up chapter 12 for you guys while you read this in the meantime! I hope it was worth the wait. Aaaaand we finally get some resolve next chapter so stay tuned!!

***Pre-Accident: Week 15, Day 6***

 Going through wormholes had never exactly been a particularly pleasant experience. They were trippy and could make you feel a bit nauseous, but they were undoubtedly an extremely useful advantage nonetheless. It was a bit of discomfort in exchange for a tremendous advantage in space travel. Places that could take years to get to only took a couple of ticks thanks to Allura’s ability to operate the teleduv.

 Lance was perhaps more thankful than he had ever been for this technology this time around because the vast, vast distance he had felt Keith’s presence across could be traveled to easily, and Lance did not, at all, want to wait, knee deep in anxiety, any longer than he had to.

 Like all the other times, the wormhole opened and enveloped them in a swirling cosmos before spitting them back out. Only this time, when they were let out, they weren’t deposited into a battle zone or just beyond the atmosphere of a planet they planned to visit. They were sent into empty space. Dark and thick and vast. But Lance’s heart was racing. Beating wildly beneath his ribs because that feeling, That small fluttering feeling that he had felt was red hot. Big and bright and burning amidst the emptiness that surrounded them.

 “There’s… there’s nothing here…” Hunk said confusedly.

 “And my scanners are silent. The only thing I’m picking up on my registers is… well, it looks like it’s light years away…” Pidge added.

 “Maybe the red lion doesn’t have as strong of a connection to Keith as you thought, Lance. Maybe she-” Allura began to ponder in an attempt to be helpful but Lance wouldn’t hear it.

 “No.” He interrupted firmly. “I… I can feel it. He is here. He has to be here.”

 “What do you mean you can feel it?” Shiro asked. “Is it like being able to feel a lion’s presence?”

 “I guess… in some ways, but it’s not ambiguous like Red or Blue. I know… I feel that it’s Keith. I… he’s… he’s so close to me…”

 The team was silent for a moment, considering Lance’s words. Then Pidge spoke up again.

 “I suppose it is curious that there are no stars here…” She said suspiciously. “I mean, there are plenty of empty pockets of space like this that exist in the entire universe. Possibly countless numbers of them. It’s not necessarily uncommon, but…. what is uncommon is that this area of space, according to my star charts… should be just on the perimeter of an entire galaxy. It would make sense that some areas don’t have stars because, well, it’s a pretty isolated galaxy, but we should definitely be seeing at least some stars.”

 “What does that mean?” Lance asked.

 “Well I can’t say for sure but it’s possible that something is here… our view is just… blocked… somehow.

 Lance could hear the cranking of the gears in Pidge’s head and huffed. They were still wasting time. Not even Pidge knew what was going on. But Lance… Lance could feel that there was more here. That Keith was here. He didn’t know how or why, but Lance knew. With his entire soul he knew.

 Pidge continued rambling about ideas as to what might be the cause of the lack of things around them and Lance’s heart beat furiously. With every minute his frustration grew and his heartbeat quickened.

 “This isn’t right,” Lance said, mostly to himself, not realizing that he’d actually said it aloud until Allura questioned him.

 “What are these feelings telling you, Lance?” She asked. “What exactly is making you feel that this is wrong?”

 “I just know,” Lance said. And with that, like the red lion seemed to read his mind and understand what he was thinking before he even did. The lion’s jaw opened and shot a blast out without warning into the nothingness that they were facing. They all watched it wide-eyed as it grew smaller and smaller until it phased out of sight, hitting nothing.

 Lance groaned angrily and turned the lion to the left and shot his own blast into the nothingness. And then again and again and finally, on the last turn, the blast went forwards and then disappeared. No explosion, no collision, no vanishing off into the distance, it just disappeared.

 “W- where did…” Pidge had started to ask confusedly, but Lance, his frustration growing, already fired another blast and watched as the same anomaly happened, cutting off Pidge’s words with more confused silence. The blast flew and then disappeared from existence as if it had never been there, to begin with.

 “Fire 10 degrees to the left of that spot again, Lance.” Pidge suddenly instructed, seeming more confident than she had been. Lance complied, turning just slightly enough so that the beam would strike in a different place. But the same thing happened.

 “Another 10 degrees,” Pidge said firmly. Lance fired and then, surprisingly enough, this blast did not disappear. It trailed off into an empty distance as the few first shots had.

 “Aha!” Pidge said. “There’s our answer!”

 “How is that an answer?!” Hunk said hopelessly.

 “Lance found some kind of pocket. We must be in a cloaked area of space somehow… like a void or a bubble… But creating a void that isn’t naturally occurring would require an exit point and Lance found it. Right where the shots disappear.”

 “I’m confused.” Hunk whined, and Lance could hear the expression on his face. Pinched eyebrows, wide eyes, and a pout on his lips.

 “All you need to understand is that we have a way out of this thing now.”

 “What exactly is this thing?” Shiro questioned.

 “I have no idea,” Pidge replied honestly. “But I assume that this is no anomaly. It only imitates a void, the exit point indicates that. If Keith is here, he’s outside of this bubble, somewhere where the people who built it or utilize it knew it could be useful for defensive purposes. For security. Once we exit we’ll probably be near a planet or maybe a moon on the edge of the galaxy. I’ve logged the exits coordinates and sent them to you guys, so we should be able to get out fairly easily.”

 “So Keith really could be here… he is here, I was right…” Lance said, so softly he doubts for a moment if the team even heard it.

 “It appears that we should trust your instincts I suppose,” Allura said, and Lance detected a smile in her voice. A little bit of hope that had not been there before. “There’s more here than we can see.” She continued. “We may have found the Blade, and our answer to why communication went dark.”

 Lance was vibrating with anticipation and anxiety at this point. He needed to get out of whatever the hell they were in and find Keith. He needed to do it right now.

 “So how do we get out of this thing, Pidge,” Shiro asked, taking the words from Lance’s own mouth.

 “We follow the blasts trajectory to the points of exit, right to where it disappeared. It should lead us out. I suggest we all fly through one after another. I’ll go first.” Pidge volunteered. “If nothing else just follow after me and you should be fine.”

 “Roger that,” Shiro said. “Lance, you follow directly behind Pidge. Hunk and Allura trail after Lance and I’ll exit last.” The team agreed and only moments later, Pidge was moving in on the coordinates. Lance watched wide-eyed as the green lion seemed to vanish into the blackness right in front of his own eyes. He couldn’t understand how until he himself went in after her and saw the darkness literally melt away from around him and expose him to view the surface of what appeared to be a moon.

 It was red and rocky and according to Pidge who was babbling through the coms about her readings: had a very dense atmosphere and high gravity. The information barely registered in his mind, however, because his brain was currently completely fixated on the approaching planet surface.

 He could first make out a general landscape. No water, trees or other plant life were visible. Just a darkly colored red surface and an incredibly hazy atmosphere that was thick with something like fog. Then the land formations came more into view, chasms and mountains creating a surface that was like a wave, swooping up and dropping down everywhere. There seemed to be barely any flat surfaces at all. Galran outposts and mining facilities were built into the side of the mountains, glowing purple in contrast to their red tint. On the surface, it appeared to be just like any other outpost, but Lance knew better than to assume that. They wouldn't be here if there wasn’t anything more to this place than appeared.

 Lance’s eyes narrowed as he looked through reds monitor as she scanned and zoomed in on the figures he was flying above. The question was, where were the Galra? If this planet was so important, where was the attack? Why had they not encountered any resistance to their arrival at all?

 “Keep your eyes sharp.” Shiro's voice comes steadily through the coms. “We don’t know what we’re up against.”

 Lance scowled, his eyes watching the rolling landscape beneath them. It felt wrong… too quiet. It has literally been three minutes since they’d breached the atmosphere, but fights with the Galra had happened in shorter time whenever they came to a Galra occupied location.

 “This isn’t right…” he voiced allowed to his teammates.

 “What like you don’t think Keith is here anymore?” Hunk asked.

 “No, he’s here…. but this… it feels like we’re not seeing something that we should be… again.”

 There was something weird about this planet. Something was not right. He could feel it in his gut. The urgency with which his being was being pulled towards the feeling that Keith was near to him was not harmonious with this peaceful planet surface.

 The one thing Lance felt certain about was that Keith was down there, somewhere on the surface. He could be laying on the ground, dying. He could be dead already, or in a fight for his life. This sleepy Galra occupied moon was not matching up with his feeling that he needed to find Keith quickly. The dread and anxiety were too palpable to match up with such an inactive Galra base. Keith could be dead. Keith could be hurt or tortured or something terrible and those thoughts alone made Lance panic enough to abort their current trajectory and try something else. Anything else. Whatever would get him answers quicker.

 Lance broke out of formation so fast it almost gave him whiplash. He heard the yells of the other paladins distantly in his helmet as he flew red fast towards the planet's surface to land. He only had one thing on his mind. One care.

 Find Keith.

 But then, suddenly, as he plummeted towards the ground, his entire environment seemed to shift around him. Something changed, just like it had when they had exited the first bubble that they had been in. Visions of the sturdy mountain sides melted into scorched rock, and accumulating rubble. Thousand of entrances to tunnels were carved into the side of the mountains, none of which he had been able to see when he first saw the moon’s surface.

 It felt like a filter that had been in front of his eyes was peeled away, and suddenly it hit him. He pulled up from Red’s descent fast and shifted to look back at the sky before almost fainting.

 Huge structures towered at the tops of every mountain peak. Structures that seemingly had not existed at all when he had been getting his first looks at the planet. And above them, a giant Galra ship with a tractor beam aimed right at Voltron, pulling them in.“Guys!!” Lance screamed into the coms. “Guys, the Galra ship! You’re going to get pulled in, what are you-“

 “Oh shit…” he breathed… “oh my god we're so fucked. This is just like the bubble.. this is an illusion. Everything’s a hallucination!” He said. “They’re controlling us with them somehow! Guys?? Guys!?”

 The coms were silent.

 “Fuck…” Lance breathed again. He had to do something. The other four lions were being drawn right in for capture and his controls weren’t working.

 Wait- his controls weren’t working?!

 Lance shot his gaze down to his control panned and tapped at his boosters, thrusting his controls back and forth experimentally. Red… red had been just fine only a minute ago. Red felt fine in their mental link. She wasn’t distressed. There was no reason for her controls to not be working. He was in a hallucination again. Another bubble…

 “Damn it!” He cursed and slammed his fist down. This was so fucking confusing. At any moment he could unknowingly be thrust into another illusion. Everything was constantly shifting back and forth between reality and hallucination that it was making him dizzy. Voltron was about to be captured and he was sitting here unable to do anything.

 The only real thing he could feel that was at least, in some ways correct was Red. Her calm was so clearly contrasting to the danger that the team and Lance were currently facing that he knew that it was real. And a mental link… maybe that was something that wasn’t susceptible to the hallucination. Maybe something that couldn’t be seen wasn’t able to be manipulated…

 With that idea he hastily called out to Red, willing her to move on her own. Asking her to move quickly and evade the illusion. And she responded back with a wash of confusion. They _were_ moving… that had to be why she was confused.

 So Lance did the absolute last thing he could think of and closed his eyes, shutting out the visions around him that he could not decipher. He stilled himself and focused only on reds presence in his mind. On his connection to Keith. On everything, he could feel so strongly in his chest, and then, just like that, he could see again. At least in a manner of speaking.

 Just like they had been training to do on their first days on Arus, Lance saw through his Lion’s eyes and was immediately thrust back into reality, escaping the warped visions that had entrapped him. They were flying. He could feel that in spite of the steadiness of his physical surroundings. He looked skywards for his team, finding in a panic that three of the lion’s had almost been completely pulled in by the tractor beam. Only three lions rather than four. And then with a blast to the ship, he realized that the one missing had been the black lion as it began firing blast after blast at the cruiser.

 Of course, it was Shiro. He’d been able to bond with Black like Lance was doing now on day one. But that meant that the others must still not know what was going on. Lance still couldn’t hear anything through the coms. Any world outside of the one in his head was inaccessible to him, but he knew this was real. He knew Shiro was out there giving that Galra ship hell, and with a new bout of hope after realizing that he had escaped the ruse, at least a little bit, he willed Red to charge forward and offer Shiro the artillery support he needed if they were going to take this ship down, firing off a few blasts of his own at the Galra ship.

 With both of them attacking, it was easy. The cruiser took heavy damage, and finally, much to his relief, the tractor beam flickered and then sputtered out completely. The issue was now with the hallucinations. His coms were still inaccessible with his reality still being controlled in his physical world, and that meant there was no way to talk to the team, and that the Galra ship, now plummeting towards the ground, had not been the source of them. He was still frozen.

 But these hallucinations… they were targeted. That much he could tell. What he was experiencing now is not what Shiro was experiencing or what the rest of the team was experiencing.

 That meant that they were coming from somewhere. Someone or something was targeting people and causing the hallucinations. Could it be the tall structures that he had seen when he had broken out of that first hallucination?

 Lance willed the red lion to turn and look at the mountain peaks and was happy to see that they were there and not something the hallucination had made up. He knew at least that Shiro would be able to see him, so in an attempt to communicate with him, he turned and fired blasts at the side of one of the structures until it collapsed.

 Shiro seemed to get the message because he then turned and took down a tower of his own. They worked together to take out every tower within their immediate radius and finally, like wax melting off of him, the haze of hallucination fell away and the buzz of reds engines came back to his senses, noise filled his ears again with the frantic words of his team members.

 Lance opened his eyes, and looked around, finding that he no longer was in the hallucination.

 “Guys!” He said happily. “Guys I’m back!”

 “Lance!” Shiro called out. “What happened?”

 “I was in another bubble, but me and red bonded and shit and now I can see through her eyes!” Lance babbled happily, relieved to feel in control again.

 “So it was another hallucination!” Pidge said as though she had just had a breakthrough. “That’s why you disappeared, why the planet looked strangely quiet! It’s targeted somehow… Whoever is behind all this must be using some technology in those towers on the mountains to control our perception of reality! It’s got to be some kind of frequency that can interact with our brain waves! Like how your arm connects to your brain so you can move it, Shiro. They’re literally tampering with our perceived reality! That’s crazy! I didn’t think that technology existed!”

 "And it's smart too." Pidge continued. "We were lucky that we had found an exit point in the first bubble, but it was easy because it was just empty space. Nothing to distract us! It’s probably close to impossible to find them when we've got a whole moon to distract us. Lance you, must have found one by accident when you broke formation, but don't think you're going to be that lucky three times. I have a feeling that this might really fuck with us if we're not careful."

 “This must be why the Blade lost contact…”Hunk mused. Just like Lance couldn’t hear us… they might still be trapped in a bubble of some kind”

 “Well if they were anywhere in this section, they would have broken out of the hallucination with the rest of us. They must be further into the Galra camps.” Allura countered. “To get there, we need to destroy the towers or we’ll be right back in another hallucination.”

 “And more Galra will be on the way to us soon now that we’ve made it pretty clear where we are. I’m sure central command has already been notified. We’re going to be facing attackers on multiple fronts soon and the only way to keep from being hit by their fire is to move. But that means flying back into the vicinity of more of those towers and falling susceptible to the hallucinations again.” Shiro said.

 “We were affected even in the outer atmosphere. This is extremely powerful technology we’re working with, and we don’t know how it works.”

 “I can work on countermeasures…” Pidge said quickly. “If this is, in fact, something technological and not a force of nature, there are ways I can disrupt the frequencies, but it will take a bit of time.”

 “What about Keith,” Lance said, his frantic energy coming back over him after it had briefly subsided from the excitement of having further bonded with red. He and the blade are probably trying to evade the hallucination too. There are tunnels in the sides of the mountains I saw earlier. If we’re going to find them, it can’t be with a lion.”

 “Let’s take out the towers first so that we have a hope of contacting them through the coms,” Shiro replied. “If we still can’t find him after that, we can go on foot. The problem is that if we’re not out here to pilot the lion’s and we leave them on the surface, they could easily be captured.”

 “Then just let me go. If we still don’t have contact by the time the towers are all taken out, I’ll land red and go in after him. The rest of you can stay to protect red from being captured while I’m away.”

“How are you going to find him?!” Pidge spoke up. “My scans of these mountains show that the tunnels are like labyrinths, Lance… unless you know your way around them, it could take days to search for the blades without a way of contacting them.”

 “I don’t know about the other blade members, but I’ll be able to find Keith. I know I will. And when I find him, he could know how to find the others.” “Ok then.” Shiro said, “then that’s the plan. But only if we’re unable to contact everyone once the towers are down. Let’s move in before Galra backup gets here.”

“Wait!” Pidge yelped to interject. “I have a prototype shield ready to test. I’m sending it to all your suits now. It might shield us from the signals of the tower a bit. If I had more time I’d be more confident that it will work.”

“It’s better than nothing, Pidge,” Shiro said. “We’ll test it out.”

And with that, everyone activated the experimental shield on their suits and hit the boosters towards the next set of towers.

Dismantling them was swift. At times, Lance could feel the pull of a vision that wasn’t accurate or thought he saw something that wasn’t there, but it was only ever momentary. Pidge shield must have been holding up enough.

More Galra did eventually come and forced them to fight two battles at the same time. One with the tower and one with the attacking ships. With everything going on they didn’t have the time to form Voltron and knew that they would have to keep up this fight until everyone was evacuated. Once they had everyone, they could form Voltron and get out, but for now, they had to wait.

In every section, they tested the coms. Calling out for any Blade members once the towers were taken down, and finally, after a few tries, there was a response. The blade sounded winded and weak. He warned tiredly of the hallucinations, then questioned if this too was a hallucination, muttering to himself.

With several minutes of thoroughly convincing him that he was no longer In danger, the Blade, sadly confessed that he wasn’t sure where anyone was, barely able to tell what was real and what wasn’t for weeks.

As they were able to contact more Blades, it was the same response. First: a moment of confusion or denial, then uncertainty.

Lance was a few ticks away from pulling his hair out. None of these blades could help them. None of them knew anything, let alone the location of the other blades. This meant that Keith was probably alone and something about that was really cutting deep into his chest. He was stewing in his panic when Shiro’s voice rippled through the coms.

“Ok, team, we need to get these blades to safety. We can split up into the different quadrants and see if they still have the means to get off the planet. If not, we can take them into our lions. The hallucinations shouldn’t be a problem anymore now that the towers are all down.  

Our next hurdle right now is rescuing whoever we can as soon as possible while keeping these Galra ships at bay. Four lions should be enough lions, for now, so Lance, you’re job is to go into the mountains and look for anyone who isn’t responding on the coms and tell them to get out of the tunnels and make their way to one of their ships or a lion, ok? I’ll stay in this quadrant and keep the Galra away from Red.”

Lance understood. Shiro was giving him a chance to look for Keith.

“Got it,” Lance said, and before anyone had a chance to suggest a change in plans, Lance landed Red and took off into the nearest tunnel.

His heart was pounding, his eyes wide and frantic as they searched every crevice and corner. He was moving fast, acting on an instinct that he wasn’t fully aware of. A pull in a certain direction telling him to take which tunnel and where. He’d find Keith first, and then Keith could help him find the rest of the blade. It was simple enough and yet every fiber in his body burned with anxiety and Lance couldn’t stand it.

What was worse was that some of the halls were just littered with bodies. Evidence of a battle having taken place here was clear. It was sickening and heartbreaking and it was causing him more and more panic with every casualty he saw. These were the unresponsive Blades. The ones who were alive must have been the ones who already responded. Lance could barely stand to process the implications that put on The state of Keith’s wellbeing...

Shaking and unsure of what else he could do, he called out at the top of his lungs.

“Keith!!” Keith, it’s me, it’s Lance!!” His voice was breaking with how loudly he called for him, and his chest just kept swelling and swelling. “Where are you?! Keith?!? His feet were making decisions on where to turn before his head could process them. It was chaotic and terrifying and Lance felt like he was losing his mind. “Keith!!!

And then, in the middle of rushing past a room, he saw it, a flash of something dark and figurative standing in one of the rooms he had passed. A room where the entryway had partially crumbled enough so that you had to climb inside. Lance immediately halted and backpedaled to the doorway, straining his neck to look over the rubble. Low and behold, it hadn’t been his imagination. There, standing right there in the center of the room was a Blade.

Keith. It had to be. He was shorter than every other Blade and that sword of his was recognizable enough where he gripped it loosely at his side.

"Keith!!!" Lance basically screamed, flinging himself into the rubble, scrambling over collapsed rock to make it into the room.

At the sound of his name Keith visibly jumped and when Lance saw that he noticed him he looked to stiffen, but Lance didn’t care. All he cared about was getting to Keith and taking him back to safety.

He was crying. In part with relief and in part with how absolutely overwhelmed he was to be seeing that Keith was standing and alive and not dead on the ground like all the others he had passed on his way in to find him.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” Keith suddenly spat, and Lance finally hesitated in what he had planned on making a sprint directly into Keith’s arms. Keith looked angry. Furious even. His fists were clenched and his eyes piercing.

“I-“ Lance stuttered, caught off guard. “We… have been looking everywhere for you… you and the Blade… you’ve been missing for weeks, we were-“

“I can’t believe this…” Keith grumbled, cutting him off. He let out a cold humorless laugh and spun around on his heel, body tight with anger. “You’re actually chasing after me? After you ripped my heart out and played around with my feelings like it was nothing and then leaving me for dead?! Treating me like a criminal and picking every fight you possibly can with me?! You think now that you come to this planet and think of yourself as my savior that all the shit you pulled is in the past?! Because if you do, you’re more of an idiot than I would have ever pegged you to be.”

Lances heart lurched in his chest and his remaining bit of a smile fell from his face, body going still.

“You’re an actual piece of shit Lance, you know that?! A piece of fucking shit!! You act like you’re something special only because you know as well as I do that you’re nothing!! You’re hollow and sad. The knock-off brand of a person who actually deserves the attention that you grovel for. Is that all this is?! Some pathetic search for attention?! You do enough damage with the girls you play around with for the fun of it, and now you just have to bring me into the mix too, huh? Nothing is ever enough for you!”

“Here’s a piece of advice, asshole, the sooner you realize how much less you deserve, the easier it will be to realize that you do not deserve me at all. That’s what I did after you gave me hope and then tore every bit of it to shreds. God, I just have no idea what I ever saw in you! How I could have ever thought that you were worthy of love, or found any of your supposedly good qualities as truthful. You’re a failure and a disappointment and a freak, so just fucking leave me alone!”

Lance’s throat went dry, his eyes burning with tears and his heart shattering into a million pieces.

“Keith….” he whimpered weakly. “I’m sorry… I… I never meant to hurt you like that… I-“

“Don’t fucking start this again Lance, I swear to god. You say you give a shit and then you retreat as far as you can like a coward. You can't ever just accept the fact that you liked me because you were afraid of your own feelings, and you know what that makes you?! A hypocrite, and a homophobic piece of shit.”

“I’m not- I’m-“

“You’re what Lance?! You really have feelings for me?! You’re just confused?! Give me a fucking break! All you’re doing is using other people and playing some sick game the sooner you get over yourself and out of my life the-“

And then Keith stopped. Like, stopped dead. His eyes still sharp, his anger still visible in every edge of his body, and then… and then the walls of the room started to warp, the world seemed to spin and then it was melting and melting and melting away and Keith was gone, and suddenly it became so obvious. His chest felt like somebody had punched a hole into his ribs and his tears would not stop pouring out of his eyes but damn it, it had all been another hallucination.

Lance looked around frantically, watching his surroundings melt and fade back into place and it was all so disorienting until he saw it, on the floor beside him were two bodies, one, an alien of some kind, on the ground fighting to get back up and the other… Keith, yelling- screaming the word stop over and over and over as he struggled against the strength of the alien beneath him, his arm attempting to land his blade in the other's chest.

His suit was covered in dirt and his hair was a mess. He looked disheveled, but most importantly, completely unaware of Lance’s presence next to them.

“I’m not going to let you do this to me again!! I’m not going to watch him die again!! I’m not going to let you make him hurt me again!! I’m not going to deal with your bullshit anymore! I know what you’re doing and I’m not going to let you!!”

And then suddenly, terrifyingly, the battle was over. Keith won and the alien was dead.

Keith was shaking visibly, curling in on himself as he panted over the body. He looked like he was losing his mind.

Lance could not stop crying. His heart pounding. Was this real?? Was Keith really here? Or would this Keith too, hate him. Would he hate him either way? Hallucination or not?

“Keith….?” Lance croaked out hesitantly, half expecting him to melt away again, but instead, at the sound of his voice, Lance watched Keith’s body go stiff. And then slowly, his eyes trailed up to lock with his. And in all the universes across every dimension in every reality, Lance would have never expected his reaction. Keith started to cry. Eyes puffy and red as he looked into Lance’s own tearful eyes. And with such a defeated voice he whimpered, “no… no no no!!! He looked down at the body and screamed. You’re gone!!! You can’t do this to me anymore! I can’t take this again!!”

“Keith-“ Lance tried to cut in, but then suddenly Keith shot up to his full height to stand and slammed his hands over his ears, whipping around so he wouldn’t be facing him. “You’re not real, you’re not real, you’re not real! He muttered repeatedly, pacing in a small circle as tears fell from his eyes. This isn’t real, he’s not here…”

And somehow, Lance’s heart broke even more.

“Keith, it’s not a hallucination, I’m right here… I promise…”

“No, no, no, no, please no… not again, no”

“Keith-“

“NO!!” I SAID NO! He spun back around snapping his arms back down to his sides, and he glared. He glared so viciously, eyes red and wet, that his face alone was making Lance break more. How many of there are you?! Why are you so insistent on putting me through hell?!

Lance was hopelessly lost. “Keith, What are you talking abo-“

“Do you enjoy this?!” Keith continued completely ignoring him. “Do you like watching me fall apart? Well congratulations, you’ve done it. I’m completely unraveled!”

And it took Lance a minute, but finally, he realized that Keith wasn’t talking to him. He was talking to someone directly behind him. His eyes focused, but not directly aimed for his own. Lance jumped, alarmed at the realization and turned around.

It was another one of the aliens. The same kind as the one that lay still in blue blood on the ground now. They were just standing there, still and smiling.

Lance quickly put two and two together. These aliens were somehow doing exactly what the towers had been doing. The alien Keith killed must have been what was responsible for Lance’s last hallucination, and Keith must have had several run-ins with them before.

“Oh, soldier.” The creature said. "I'm not doing anything to you. Your friend is really right there in front of you. Can’t you tell? Or did we really do as well as you said we did in breaking your mind.”

“You’re lying,” Keith growled.

“They aren't!” Lance jumped in quickly. “Keith, I’m right here, I-”

Lance went to take a step forward and then another and another, realizing quickly that he was moving no closer to Keith. He was walking, essentially running towards him and yet not moving at all. It felt like a nightmare, and what's worse was that Keith was glaring at him again. Lance felt more tears flood his eyes as the biting words Keith had said resurfaced to the forefront of his brain.  

“You’re a coward Lance,” Keith said again. “You're weak and pathetic and cruel.”

This time Lance knew it wasn't real. He knew exactly what was happening to him and yet he couldn't help himself but to start sobbing, even more, feeling weak and tired and hurt.

“I'm sorry!” He cried. “Keith, I’m so, so sorry…”

“Useless and unneeded, burdensome and heartless, unworthy of love”

Lance squeezed his eyes shut, doing anything he could to try and shield himself from the screaming, terrible words that sought to fill his head. He was so focused on keeping them at bay that it took him probably several minutes longer than it should have to realize that they had stopped and that it was now just his own thoughts echoing them.

And then he felt a weight fall into his chest.

Lance’s eyes flew open, stunned to see Keith again, clinging to his armor, a look of bewilderment suddenly melting into his face.

“Y-You really are here…?” he whispered, looking down wide-eyed to where his hands made contact with Lance’s chest plate, as though it’s physicality surprised him.

"You’re… you’re real... I thought you were a halluc...hallucination… but… you're here, you're really…”

Keith was panting and there were tears in his eyes, looking oddly relieved and hopeful, wiping up the blood that dripped from his lips as he grunted and heaved heavily, laying slack in his arms.

And that's when Lance realized that there was blood dripping from Keith’s mouth. His heart dropped to his feet in terror as he pulled back to look fully at Keith, horrified to see a stab wound in his stomach, bleeding profusely. The taunting alien from before was gone, and now Keith was suddenly dying in his arms.

“Oh, oh my god oh my GOD! Keith!!! You’re, you were stabbed! You’re, how did you get hurt?! Oh my god, you- Oh no, no no no no, oh my god this is bad, no, Keith no keep your eyes open, oh my god!!”

Keith listened to him, his rambling settling around him like a haze as dark spots erupted painfully into his blurred view that he had of his chest. Smears of blood- Keith’s blood- decorated Lance’s white and blue armor, only adding to the look of complete panic that was consuming the boy, and maybe he was bleeding out, maybe he had just been stabbed, maybe the last person he wanted to worry so much was Lance, but Keith couldn't help that he was just so happy that Lance was really real. That he could feel him and hear him and know for a fact that it wasn't some twisted concoction in his brain.

Lance’s voice was shaking. Keith could hear the panic in his every word, the fear that he radiated. It made Keith’s chest ache. As much as he hated the fact that it was Lance who found him like this, that Lance was so worried on his behalf. He couldn't deny that having him here, being slumped into the boy's armor, feeling his arms around him and hearing his voice was an extremely comforting thing.

A few beats of silence passed and then Lance was talking again, fast and barely with breaths in between his long strings of words. Keith knew he was crying. Sobbing even. He absently felt Lance’s hands shake him but he was drifting, an urge to sleep pulling him under slowly.

He was in so much pain. Surely, sleep would help him escape it for just a little bit.

He heard Lance’s words drone into muffled buzzing in the back of his mind. Lance was panicked and sobbing, but nothing in the world could get Keith to look back to him. Not when all this pain he knew Lance was in was at his expense.

The sound of his voice, though he couldn’t understand what he was saying anymore as he started to lose himself in the lull of pure exhaustion, was so soothing. Even when it was frantic like it was now, having Lance there, though he would rather have anyone else have to see him like this, was comforting. Absently, he thought he felt something warm clasp around his hand. Squeezing around it tightly… it warmed him. His entire body tingling with the sensation. Lance… it had to be Lance.

The pain didn’t cease, but that simple pressure on his hand could have calmed a thousand storms. Sure, he could be coughing up blood, and bleeding out from a stab wound, but his heart was soothed at the simple fact that he wasn’t alone. That Lance was here.

Maybe Lance would never love him, but he cared. He was caring. Keith knew that now. He could feel it washing over him in waves of warmth.

He couldn’t even hear Lance crying anymore. The sobs droned out completely to white noise. Just the pressure of Lance’s hand on his as everything faded to white.

  
***Post Accident: Week 7 Day 2***

 Every morning when Lance woke up, he had to go to the bathroom. And every morning he had to push a button on the side of his bed to call in a nurse to help him get to the toilet. Every morning he had to have someone help him bathe and shit and walk and stand and eat and Lance was really trying to stay positive about it like he had been succeeding to do earlier on, but the lack of ability he had to do literally anything for himself was starting to drive him crazy.

It wasn't that it was embarrassing. He wasn't shy or mortified that he had to be supervised in several private situations. They were nurses and he was a severely injured patient. It was their job.

What bothered him so much is that he was completely dependent on everyone around him, and something about that didn’t sit right with him. Maybe it was something in his past that was causing him to feel the way he was feeling that he’d forgotten, maybe it was just the depressing hospital environment that he was letting get to him, he didn't know. He just really wanted to feel like a normal human again. Something he realized he actually had not felt at all since the moment he woke up.

How was he supposed to rediscover himself if he was stuck in this hospital, unable to do any of the things that he had liked to do in his past? How was he supposed to figure himself out as a person if he could barely manage to be a person at all? Even wearing some normal clothing was something he hadn't done. He'd had to wear hospital gowns every day and surprisingly, nothing was more dehumanizing than that. What he wouldn't give to wear some pants. To scoot off the end of his bed and have his legs be able to support him without worry of collapse.

He didn't even have specific memories to remember his body functioning properly, but he still felt an incredible loss. A crippling sense of helplessness, because nobody thinks to treasure the things that should come naturally. Like the ability to walk or to breath or whatever else. It isn't until you lose the ability completely that you realize how simply fortunate you were. And realizing that really sucks when you're trying to stay positive.

What was worse was that he had nothing to blame. He didn't know how he had gotten so messed up. He didn't know what had happened to make him so crippled… it was all a mystery to him. Anna had explained in great detail what all his physical injuries were, yes, but he knew nothing beyond that. His legs didn't work because of something that happened to his spine. His coma was the result of some traumatic head injury. And his achiness was the result of several newly healed broken bones. But how had any of those things had happened in the first place?

He had ideas, of course, ranging from a car crash to being a secret agent, but nobody had told him anything, and he had never asked. All his friends seemed to be pretty worked up when he first woke up. Maybe it would be too hard for them to talk about? He just didn't know where any lines were drawn and it was incredibly stressful.

This morning, like any other morning, Lance had to pee, but unlike any other morning he had had since waking up, this morning, Lance suddenly couldn't bring himself to push the call nurse button on his bed. He didn't want the help, feeling particularly and unreasonably confident in his ability to move a distance of 4 yards to the toilet on his own.

It was all in his head, right? He was 23 years old, and probably like any 23 year old, he had walked his whole life. He had known how to use his legs for far, far longer than this recent stretch of time where he didn’t. Walking was something you just did… It was no different than the ability to talk and breathe and blink. And so, quite irrationally, Lance convinced himself that he should be able to do something that most toddlers can currently do better than him and that his past inability to do so was a result of a lack of motivation and effort.

Tweaking the muscles in his legs experimentally, Lance readied himself. He took a deep breath, and then held it in his chest, planting his hands on the bed, using them to steady himself as he slowly and carefully pivoted his hips. He ignored the twinges of pain that shot up his legs when he bent them at the knees and pushed onward, carefully dropping them over the side of the bed until his feet were planted on the floor.

Lance let out the breath of air he had been holding and tried to calm the rabbiting of his heart that had picked up speed. He told himself it was from excitement and not because he was scared. People who got scared of the thought of walking were the people who definitely should not be walking, and Lance was not one of those people. He was someone who was taking too long to relearn a basic human function. Someone who should have no problem planting his feet on the ground and lifting himself off the bed to take a step forward like he was hesitating to do now. Lance heaved another deep breath, both out of nervousness, and frustration that he was nervous.

His bladder was really unhappy with him to make matters worse, making him feel the need to rush but having no ability to do so. He was being unrealistic about the time he needed for recovery, yes, but his goal was to walk on his own. Running was a completely different situation that he was ok with admitting he needed more time to do.

Lance forced several more deep breaths of air into his lungs in a futile attempt to calm down his nerves.

 _You’re just walking,_ Lance. He scolded himself. _You're not cliff jumping or doing anything remotely scary or dangerous. It's just walking. Suck it up and go pee, you wimp._

And with that, he locked his knees, readied his hands in the assistance of lifting himself off the bed and slowly stood upright, straightening out the upper half of his legs from the knee just like his therapist had been teaching him to do. Something he had gotten the hang of. It was step two that he hadn’t done. Not without clinging to somebody else, or with an entire room worth of supervision. But he was nothing if not stubbornly and stupidly determined, so without further adieu, he lifted one foot off the ground, white knuckling the side of the table beside his bed for support as he shifted forwards, quickly dragging his left foot to follow behind and land back beside his right one.

And maybe it was stupid, but that single step had made him smile. More confidence finding its way to his limbs.

 _See?_ He told himself. This is easy. He readied his left foot to move forward, adjusting his hand on the table and took another unsteady step forwards, dragging his right foot over again. Another successful step.

Once he got himself to the edge of the table, the problem became what he could brace himself on now that he had run out of table. He could try to make it a few extra steps to the wall and follow it around the perimeter of the room until he reached the bathroom. But god, he really, really just needed to pee. The shorter the distance the better. And bracing himself on something seemed like cheating anyway. If he was going to get himself walking down the hall or eventually a street, he wouldn't have something to support him at all times. Nor should he need it. He needed to make a full recovery, and reliance on a wall or someone's arm was not going to get him there.

So he made up his mind, looking across the short distance to the bathroom that looked so annoyingly close, and yet still felt like miles away.

He took his hand off the table, wiping his sweaty palms on the fabric of his hospital gown that covered his thighs and practiced shifting from foot to foot.

With another breath, he stepped, or maybe hobbled was a more accurate word, into the incredibly intimidating empty space in front of him. But his determination was flaring hot through his body, and the adrenaline from it all was making him feel a lot braver than was probably safe.

He tightened his hands into fists at his sides and took another step, and then another. His heart was racing as he slowly got closer and closer, feeling stronger than he had in weeks. He got to the middle of the floor and yes, he was beginning to shake violently, his legs basically vibrating under him, but he felt alive with anxiety and adrenaline pumping through him. More alive than he had in the entire time since he had woken up. He was just so determined to make it. So ready to be able to do something on his own that he ignored how truly unstable his legs were beginning to feel. He had made it this far. He could make it even farther. He _would_ make it farther.

But the situation only got worse as he went on. Not only were his legs shaking, but his whole body was also starting to feel unstable. His stomach began feeling woozy, and his head started to ache.

It was incredible how much of a difference walking with his therapist made. With him, he had been able to do laps around his room, but this, this felt horrible. If it wasn't for his stubborn determination and the adrenaline flushing through his systems, he was sure it would have been too much to bear.

But he kept going, and his legs held up, and he was almost at the threshold of the bathroom when the sound of his door opening made him jump and whirl his head around frantically. A nurse was coming in. But then, with that sharp movement, Lance’s vision started to spot, his head screaming with pain. It caused him to keel forwards before he could stop himself, and just like that, his balance was all but gone. He remembered feeling his stomach flip as he began to fall forwards, but his vision went completely dark before he even hit the floor

___

It was dark when Lance woke up. As he became more conscious, the pain all over his body that had been lulled from sleep started slowly seeping back into his limbs. He groaned softly, trying to adjust himself in a way that wouldn't hurt and rolled onto his back, feeling pathetic. He was in a new hospital gown. The one he had been in for the past few weeks had a little leaf print on it in navy blue. This gown had stripes.

Lance felt himself flush fed enough so that he could hear the blood in his ears and wished at that moment that he could melt into the sheets and disappear.

He’d never made it to the bathroom. He’d gotten two weak, jumped at a noise, blacked out and pissed himself while unconscious on the floor. If he hadn't been humiliated before, this certainly did him in.

To make matters worse, he was drenched in sweat. It wasn't the first time he had woken up sticky with the cooling moisture clinging to his body or felt the tickle of a droplet running down the back of his neck. It felt disgusting like it always did, and yet he couldn't rush into the shower to clean off without calling a nurse to help him bathe. He couldn’t run off to get a towel or change out of his gown or do anything without a nurse. He had absolutely no control. No control over what his body did and did not do. No control over his life. No control of anything other than the few things he could do while propped up in a hospital bed.

Lance didn't want to admit to how miserable he was, but nevertheless, an all-consuming feeling, somewhere between panic and complete and utter embarrassment swelled into his chest and clogged up his throat, like something was starting to suffocate him from the inside out. His breaths grew labored and began to border on unsteady as he willed himself to resist an instinct that willed his muscles to get up and run out of the room or pace back and forth.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to sob, he wanted to escape this dreadful reality that he was thrust into. A reality that didn't even feel like his own with how foreign and unfamiliar every aspect of his life felt. He felt so weak and so, so alone and yet he could do nothing more than hug himself tightly and do whatever he could to not make himself feel even more like shit by crying. Crying was just a way to admit defeat, and despite everything, Lance desperately didn't want to do that. He needed to stay positive like he needed air to breathe or nothing would ever get better. He’d be stuck in this fucking plastic bed for the rest of his life.

So Lance did nothing but stew in his pain and helplessness, his limbs feeling heavy and his head throbbing incessantly. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to hide. But the only way to truly hide in a place where he felt so on display and vulnerable was by sleeping and falling asleep felt as impossible as everything else did to him at the moment.

He knew one of the nurses would be back in to check his vitals, as they did every day at least once every hour. He knew he'd have to confront someone about what had happened eventually, but right now, he would do everything he could to avoid facing anyone. He would just lay here and stew until it motivated him to get his shit together again.

The glow of the technology around him was glaringly bright tonight. The screens that never turned off and the infrequent beeps of medical equipment in his room or somewhere down the hall did not slip by him unnoticed or fade into background noise where he had been able to push the sounds in the past. Tonight everything was too loud and too bright and he just wanted darkness. Silence. He wanted something familiar. Something comforting, but his brain could offer him no memories in solace. He couldn't imagine anything outside of this abysmal hospital room.

He didn't even know what the outside of it looked like. Where the hallways twisted and turned, how to reach his room from the front doors. Where the cafeteria that brought him food every day was located. His entire life consisted of these four walls and the small view of a dessert that he had outside of his window. He was annoyingly envious of every single person who was able to walk in and out of his door to the point where it _itched_ inside him.

He hadn't anticipated how much a lack of memory would hurt him. How it just got increasingly worse and worse as time went on. How after numerous sleepless nights of doing nothing but trying to desperately recall any detail of his mother's face. The sound of one of his sibling's voices. Any detail of his -past at all. It was always futile and incredibly heartbreaking.

He continued to listen to the noisy silence around him for a while until he heard faint voices coming from behind his door grow louder. They were, for the most part, muffled until they became just loud enough for Lance to hear.

“Keith,” Anna’s voice whispered. “I promise, he's completely fine. There's no need to worry…”

“I need to see him, Anna.” A voice Lance now recognized as Keith’s replied, much louder and more desperate, almost to the point where he sounded like he was in pain. “I basically lived here before he woke up and now I leave and he hurts himself, and I just… I need to be there for him, Anna, just please let me see him.

Lance heard Anna sigh, and then the sound of the door opening. Lance snapped his eyes shut, his stomach swooping as he tried frantically to look like the position he had been resting in was one that he had fallen asleep in.

“He hasn't woken up yet, but his brain functions are strong, we've already tested him. He's just asleep and could wake up at any time.” Anna's voice carried through the room softly, but louder now that Lance didn't have to listen to it through a door. “I didn't mean to alarm you so much when I told you what happened, I just wanted you to be aware so when you saw him next time you wouldn't have to panic. He’s just sleeping right now and already recovering. I promise I'll give him a big lecture about not rushing himself for you as soon as he wakes up.

 _That … that’s a lot to unpack._ Lance thought, his brain stuttering with the flush of confusing new knowledge he had just been bombarded with. _Keith… basically lived here? Anna had texted Keith specifically about his accident so that he wouldn't worry? Keith had rushed here is presumably what was the middle of the night to check on him?? What was that about? Why Keith and not anyone else? Why were Anna and Keith talking like they both were longtime friends? Were they longtime friends?_

But his thoughts were all but halted when he heard quick footsteps rush up to the side of his bed and a small gasp that sounded like it belonged to Keith.

His heart was a frantic beating mess, and he was extremely nervous and confused, but he did everything he could to keep his breaths looking steady and his eyes gently closed from sleep. Did he look like he was asleep? Did it look like he was trying to look like he was asleep? Would either of them know him well enough to determine what visual differences there were between him fake sleeping and real sleeping?

“Oh my god, Anna the bruise takes up the entire side of his head!” Keith said frantically. “It looks painful…!”

 _Oh great._ Lance thought miserably. _I have a nasty bruise now…_

"Well, he did take a hard fall. his head landed right on the edge of tile at the door to the bathroom"

And then Lance felt the sudden tentative touch of fingertips to his right temple and he froze.

The fingertips belonged to Keith, and they were warm and soft and moved down the side of his head so gently that Lance almost Got chills.

The touch didn't just feel gentle, it…. It felt familiar somehow. It felt careful... and loving…

Lances heart was now positively crashing against the confines of his ribs and Lance could have sworn that his chest was shaking with it and that it was completely visible to Keith, but the touch didn't stop, and no suspicion seemed to befall Keith as he tenderly stroked down his cheek. Then the fingers suddenly threaded into his hair, moving through it so softly. For some reason it made Lance’s breath stop and if he hadn't been closing his eyes already he would have at that moment, just out of reflex, because it felt so damn good and for the first time all night, Lance’s head didn't throb like shit and oh my god, what that actual fuck was happening right now…?!

“Careful,” Anna said, a smile oddly clear in her voice. “That could wake him up.”

 "He’s fallen asleep from me doing this in the past," Keith said kindly. "I’d be surprised if it woke him up."

 And again Lance’s brain was screaming. Again there was too much to unpack in those few simple words. Again, Lance’s heart felt like it was as loud as a drum and he could barely process anything that had just been said.

Keith, his friend who he had been able to talk to for an entire day without any sense of time passing had, for some reason, lulled him to sleep at some point by combing his fingers through his hair???

"I just wish I could do more…" Keith whispered after a while. "I feel like I’m not doing enough. Like I could have prevented this if-"

“Keith, you've done everything you can and you know it.” Anna cut him off. “He wouldn't be here without you.”

“Maybe not, but that wasn't just me. Any one of us would have given him our blood. I was just lucky that he could take mine.”

“And he did,” Anna said. “It saved his life. Maybe it was partly still due to luck but it was still you, Keith. Maybe it doesn't feel like enough because it's just instinctual for you to do at this point, but if that's the case then you'll never feel like your doing enough because it will always just what had to be done. If everything you do doesn't feel like enough of a grand gesture it’s because for you, it's not. Not even giving him your blood for a transfusion. But that's huge, Keith! What you need to do is realize that you _are_ doing whatever you can and that his recovery is just going to take time. There's nothing that either of you can do about it. But he _is_ going to be ok. I can promise you that”

Lance’s head was reeling. Transfusion?? Taking Keith's blood?? Not doing enough?? Instinctual???

Keith sighed and finally, his hand left Lance’s hair.

“I know you're right.” He whispered.

“You just want your best friend back, I get it.”

“Yeah,” Keith said, giving a sad little laugh. “And if not that, then I just want him to be ok again. I hate having to treat him like glass. He hates that.”

“And you won't.” Anna reassured him. “Just give it time. Now come on, you both need to get some rest”

Lance followed their voices as they grew more distant in his ears from the both of them leaving his bedside and moving towards the door, and as soon as the door shut behind them, Lance’s eyes flew open. He shot his gaze quickly to try and catch any last glimpses of the pair, but only saw the shadows beneath his door move away as their soft voices faded into the quiet.  

Lance threw his head back against his pillow and breathed heavily while he looked up at the ceiling. Keith had given Lance his blood. Keith had saved his life. Keith was close enough with Lance that something like petting Lance’s fucking head was normal. Keith clearly cared about him… a lot.

It gave Lance another sinking feeling in his chest. Guilt that he had no way to ease. Clearly, they had had a strong bond. Keith had told him as much, and yet this? he had not expected this at all. 

And that's when he decided, right then and there. He would get better the way that he needed to. The way that was safest. even if it took longer than he wanted and meant that he would still have to depend on people. Maybe he wasn't sure who he was or why he was in the situation he was, but this he wasn't alone. Whether or not he knew why, his wellbeing meant a lot to the people who called themselves his friends. If he ever felt like giving up. If he ever felt like he was done fighting, he would keep going. If not for himself then for them. For Anna and for Shiro and for Allura and Pidge and Hunk. and for Keith. who stayed in his room while he was in his coma to be there for him. Who rushed to the hospital at ungodly hours to see if he was ok. Who for some reason knew just how to make him feel better every time that they were together. He'd try for Keith as much as Keith tried for him. Clearly, he owed him as much.

And just like that, even though his heart still hammered away, the stinging behind his eyes was finally faded and he could breathe again.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, my oblivious Lance...
> 
> but also, guys, this right here is why this fic means so much to me. First of all, some context, I have probably spent and will continue to spend at least a quarter of my life in Hospitals. When I write for Lance, I'm pulling directly from my own real experiences. I've definitely written a large portion of this fic from my own hospital bed whenever I’m really sick and unable to do anything else, and I've been able to sort through my own experiences through characters that mean so much to me and make me happy when I feel like shit and have difficulty staying positive. For me, Above all else, this fic is about perseverance through difficult circumstances, inner strength and confidence, and how having something (or someone) to love can give you the courage to get better and move past the things that seek to hold you down. I hope you enjoy reading this fic as much as I enjoy writing it.  
> Remember, you all are strong as Fuck and you can make it through anything!! I'm rooting for each and every one of you!! <3


	12. Connections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, as promised! Two chapters in one week?! Nobody thought it possible!  
> Enjoy this chapter, guys, its a bit of some well-deserved fluff and resolve as we finally arrive at the halfway point in this fic. <3

***Pre-Accident: Week 16, Day 2***

The minutes were ticking down on Keith’s healing pod. Lance watched everyone pass while he started with an attention that was unwavering, unblinking as his eyes roamed over Keith’s sleep induced figure, wrapped tightly in the pod suit.

Even after having been an inch away from bleeding to death, he was beautiful. The mere sight of him made Lance’s chest constrict enough so that he felt like he could barely breathe. He wanted him to open his eyes. Just so that he could look into them. Their deep stormy color that managed to floor Lance with a simple passing glance.

Unlike Shiro had been when he was in the pod, Keith was unsettlingly still. So unmoving that Lance had to train his gaze on Keith’s chest and concentrate until he saw its subtle rise and fall because if he didn’t pay attention he honestly couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not. 

He supposed this wasn’t terribly surprising. Keith was incredibly quiet in general. He made basically no sound when he walked and his breaths were unnoticeable unless he was in the midst of a particularly difficult training session. Still, Keith being a quiet person was vastly different from looking two steps up from a corpse in a healing pod. The color had even drained from his face a bit. Lance assumed that it was partly due to all the blood loss. 

Looking at him like this… it was too much. The thought of Keith, so strong and brave and dark… it was overwhelming enough. So looking at him in the healing pod was putting him right over the edge. He looked softer in white. Less abrasive, more vulnerable. He almost looked gentle, and as intriguing as seeing Keith like that was, it was also incredibly uncomfortable. Keith was not delicate. He was not fragile and Lance hated thinking of him in that way. As someone who could get hurt just as easily as he could. If he let himself think that way, he would probably never stop worrying. It’s why Lance looked away. He didn’t want to see Keith looking so vulnerable. It made the severity of what had happened real and worried him so sick that he felt lightheaded. 

He had probably been sitting there on the ground beneath Keith’s pod for hours, he didn’t know, nor had he bothered to count the passing minutes. He had been so focused on Keith that everything else just faded away. He hadn’t even realized that Shiro had stepped up beside him until he started talking. It made Lance jump a bit and Shiro chuckled.

“You’re really focused in huh.” He smiled gently at Lance. “Did you hear me?” 

Lance shook his head, a little sheepishly. “No…” he murmured. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if you were ok,” Shiro replied gently. “You haven’t really moved much for the past… He paused to think. Yeah, you've been in here all day. Just wanted to check in on you and give you some food.”

Lance looked up to Shiro’s hands to see that he was holding a bowl of food goo in his prosthetic. He handed it to Lance who took it gratefully. 

“Geez, totally forgot to eat today…” he said, sounding a bit surprised with himself as he took a bite. “Thanks, Shiro.”

Shiro nodded but was eyeing Lance a little suspiciously. He didn't push though, instead just sitting down with Lance on the floor below Keith’s pod as Lance continued to eat. They stayed like that for a while, in silence until the bowl was empty and Lance no longer had the option of being distracted by his food. He pushed the bowl to the side and let out a little sigh.

“So how’s Lotor fairing down there,” Lance asked trying to start a conversation. “I heard that you and Allura went to talk to him today.”

“Still talking in circles…” Shiro sighed. “Nothing but lies. Saying he wants to help us and that’s why he showed up at Naxela. We all know he just wants protection though. Allura and I are talking about leaving him in a prison on Alkarion.” 

“I honestly can’t say I would mind having him off the ship,” Lance admitted. 

“You and me both, trust me. Having him here has been a good way to keep tabs on him though. As long as he’s in our cells he can’t do any harm.” 

Lance nodded and they fell into silence again. His eyes went back to the timer on Keiths’ pod and he felt more anxiety start to swirl around in his gut as he realized that 10 doboshes had been added to the countdown again. Lance let out a nervous sigh.

“It keeps adding on more time,” Lance said, a little absently. “It will say there are only a few doboshes left on the cryogenic cycle and then another 20 doboshes are added. Does that mean he isn’t healing or something?”

Shiro shook his head. “I don’t know.” He replied. “It probably just means that he’s taking a bit longer to fully heal than the program originally calculated. I’d say that that’s a good thing though. It means he will have no residual injuries when he's out. I’d rather have him heal up in there for a bit now than have him suffer later.”

Lance bit the inside of his lip and worried it between his teeth, looking away from Keith and down to his knees where he had pulled them in close to his chest. “It’s just agonizing… not knowing if he’ll be ok, you know? I’d rather be certain instead of in this liminal state of not knowing and just having to wait.” 

Shiro looked at him, his face sympathetic as he waited for him to go on.

And Lance really hadn’t intended to go on, but once he started, he couldn’t seem to stop. 

“I think about that with my family a lot. How horrible it feels knowing that they don’t know whether I’m dead or alive. Makes me feel guilty. Like I should be trying harder to let them know that I’m ok you know?” 

Lance didn’t know why he was telling Shiro this. He just had that effect. There was an ease with which Lance could talk to Shiro that always managed to surprise him. How open and considerate he was just made spilling your guts easier than it probably should be. 

Shiro just nodded in response. No judgment, no indication that he didn’t care and would rather Lance not talk about himself. Just… agreement. Acceptance. Shiro’s face had hardened though, a furrow in his brow forming slowly as he seemingly mulled over what Lance had said. 

“I wish I could tell you it gets easier but… it really doesn’t. You just have to trust that you're doing what needs to be done. If they love you then it won’t matter where you were or how long you were gone. They’ll understand.” 

Lance hummed. “You sound like you speak from experience. Did your mom not like you disappearing for months at a time on missions from the Garrison or something?” 

“Not my mom,” Shiro said with a half smile. “It was my fiancé that had a problem with it.”

Lance nodded, understanding. He had forgotten that Shiro had been planning a wedding before he disappeared on the Kerberos mission. 

Lance had always known about his relationship with his other garrison instructor. The whole Garrison knew about it even though both of them kept extremely professional in public. The school had erupted in excited whispers when students saw both of the professors show up to classes with new, shiny rings on their third fingers, but in general, even before they were engaged, It was one of those things you just knew about without ever having to see. Like oxygen or photosynthesis. Very real and very present even though it didn’t make itself blatantly known. 

Lance supposed now that knowing Shiro was in a relationship with another incredible Garrison pilot who also just so happened to be male was partly why Lance idolized him for so long. Even if he hadn’t exactly realized it. 

Shiro was gay, and the best pilot at the Garrison- possibly on Earth, and he was also kind and encouraging and strong. Him being gay… it wasn’t some big thing. It was just… him. A part of him that was as normal as his caring personality and kind-eyed smiles. And he was his hero.

The fact that he was spending every day with the guy in space, on missions and that they were now more than distantly associated as teacher and student was still a bit surreal. Their quintessences had bonded, they know each other quite well, have meals together, go through near-death experiences together every day. It was quite possibly the last place he imagined the trajectory with his idol going, and he still couldn’t really believe it. 

It would be like meeting Beyoncé randomly on the side of the street one day and then becoming best friends out of the blue. Unexpected, unlikely, and completely surreal. 

To say that Lance was best friends with Shiro was… a bit of a stretch though. Shiro felt like an older brother to him at this point… a parental figure almost even though he was younger than some of his elder siblings. Either way, there was a difference between the relationship that Lance had with Shiro and the relationship he had with the other paladins. A distance still between them. Lance still didn’t know a lot about Shiro personally from before Kerberos. In essence, what Keith had with Shiro was nowhere close to what Lance had. 

So whenever Lance fell into a situation where they were alone together Lance still felt… awkward. It was an internal feeling that his supreme social skills didn’t let surface, but it was there nonetheless. He still felt nervous around him at times. Still felt star struck.

“It actually kinda reminds me of this whole thing you have going on with Keith. How you can’t be in the same room without ripping each other to shreds.” Shiro continued.

Lance felt himself blush and turned away. 

“Yeah,” Shiro chuckled, amused. “Thought you could get away with that and not talk to me about it huh?”

“N-no, I just-“ Lance stuttered, his blush deepening. 

Shiro laughed a bit again. “Hey, I’m just teasing, don’t worry. As I said, I get it. You’re in this fight because both of you really care about each other. About the team. More than either of you will admit.” Shiro said, nudging him teasingly. 

“Keith is out there fighting in the ways he thinks he can be most useful in helping the team. Helping you. You’re here fighting with the team because you know we’re the best shot the universe has and can’t understand why Keith left us. You kind of remind me of Adam in that way.”

“He was so angry with me because I left. I guess for him it felt like I was always leaving. Putting other things like missions and the Garrison before us. I get that now. I didn’t realize it then but now I understand. He just wanted me safe. He couldn’t understand why I left him all the time. Why I had to go out and do the things I did, even if they were dangerous. Why I’m here right now, fighting the Galra instead of back on earth with him. I’m just… I can see that in you. You just want him safe because you care. It’s hard not to after all we’ve been through together. If it was hunk or Pidge or Allura or me in his place, I’m sure you’d be just as mad at us as you are at him right now.”

“I don’t know about that…” Lance said without even thinking. 

“How do you mean?” Shiro asked. 

“I still think I’d hate Keith more.”

Shiro scowled. “Why do you say that?” 

“Would Adam have been just as angry with one of his friends or a student of his as he was with you if they had been the one to leave?” Lance asked. 

“No,” Shiro said. “He loved me. When love is involved it’s different.” 

Exactly. Lance said to himself.

Lance looked back up to Keith doing his best to ignore the pang of pain he got whenever he had to see him in that pod. Maybe Adam and Shiro's fights were for similar reasons to Lance’s recent ones with Keith a little bit, but Lance couldn't help but think of the situations as being completely different from each other. 

Adam hadn’t had to see Shiro pass out in his arms on an alien planet after being stabbed by someone who had previously been controlling his perceptions of reality. Shiro hadn’t screamed at Adam and told him that he hated him, and hurt him, and thought of him as worthless. Adam hadn’t had to battle his way out of the caves with Shiro on his back, terrified that he would die before he had the chance to board his lion and escape the Galra forces that were attacking his team. He didn’t have to do it all, still uncertain if Shiro really meant what he said and didn't actually care about him at all. It was hard for Shiro and Adam because they knew that they loved each other. It was hard for Lance and Keith because their feelings were more confusing than the visions that had been forced upon them by an alien race in league with the Galra.  
Keith had called him a coward. A piece of shit. A person not worth anything. And what was worse was that Lance didn’t even think he was wrong. He couldn’t even defend himself. Keith had verbalized his darkest innermost thoughts about himself, and it had really torn Lance apart.

He notices then, self consciously, that Shiro is watching him. Out of the corner of his peripheral vision, he sees Shiro's figure poised in a way that could only mean that he’s looking at Lance and had been for a bit of time. Lance, unable to banish his curiosity, looks tentatively back at Shiro and confirms that he was right when he finds Shiro’s eyes already trained on him. 

Lance doesn’t have to say anything for Shiro to know the question on his mind - why are you looking at me like that. 

“You’re really worried, huh,” Shiro asks, his voice soft. “Did…” Shiro hesitated, looking at the ground before gathering his words. “Did something happen between you two? Maybe that night I came into the room while you were fighting? Because after that it seemed different… like you were fighting as usual, yeah, but it wasn’t for fun and games anymore. You both seemed really and truly upset. What happened between you two?”

Lance looks back at his knees, feeling himself start to tremble with the knowledge that Shiro had been able to read that much into the situation at all. Maybe he wasn’t as good at keeping his heart off of his sleeve as he thought he was. 

He considered then how he would reply, and no answers felt right. He couldn’t explain without giving some long winded explanation. Even if he was to tell Shiro everything and lay his every emotion out in front of him, Lance isn’t sure that it would begin to explain any of his emotions accurately, because not even Lance himself knew what they meant half the time. 

He had only really decided on one thing. Only figured out, quite terrifyingly, one thing about his feelings towards Keith and it was a simple enough explanation to answer a wide variety of questions that Shiro might have, but actually admitting to it allowed, to Shiro no less, Keith’s basically adoptive brother… that was a hurdle that felt entirely too large. He had only just been able to admit it to himself… how could he begin to admit it to Shiro? 

But the word tumbled around in his head, brushed against the back of his throat, burned itself into his chest, just as it had been doing for the past month, and it was beginning to become too much to bear on his own. Despite everything telling him to keep his mouth shut and keep this to himself, he desperately wanted to admit it. He wanted to push past the terrible fear that had not let him go, not even one time, during this whole ordeal. Just for a moment, he wanted to give up his apprehension and own up to it. To simply just… tell someone, whether they would support him or not. 

Knots twisted viciously in Lance’s chest, the true words he wanted to say just resting on his tongue as he teetered impossibly on the precipice between speaking them or swallowing them back down and changing topics. He wanted desperately to say it, but speaking them aloud would make it real. Make it something more than just a thought in his head and that was terrifying. His hesitance to say it alone could offend Shiro. If he told him about all this pent up shame that he hated like he so desperately wanted to, Shiro could feel insulted. 

But then maybe Shiro was the perfect person to confess to. His idol, his mild tempered older brother figure who he could talk to so easily… Shiro wouldn't judge him. He knew that much. Getting it off his chest could be exactly what he needed to start feeling better.

Shiro was everything Lance ever wanted to be. Confident in himself and a force to be reckoned with in the skies. And what made it even better was that there was no prejudice shown outright at the Garrison. Nobody looked at Shiro any differently or as anything less than he was because he was gay. It was the opposite, really. He was highly respected, possibly the most respected person at the Garrison. Nobody dared deny it. Nobody could.

Nobody questioned his skill. Nobody thought less of him. Not even his father had spoken anything negative of Shiro. Shiro had taken something he was raised to despise and normalized it. He had shown how insignificant who you love was to the kind of person you are. How little it should really matter to anyone. He had, whether Lance knew it or not at the time, opened Lance up to be able to realize that he thought boys were just as attractive to him as girls, though it took him a while to be able to see it as attraction and not something else that was “more acceptable.” 

So maybe Shiro was the perfect confidant. Of all people, maybe Shiro would understand best. He knew he certainly wouldn’t judge him. But it wasn’t so much about not wanting to tell someone as it was about Lance finally having to say it aloud and truly admit it to himself. 

So he said something that he really hadn’t expected to, and even though it was a question, it also felt a little bit like a backhanded answer that Shiro was more than keen enough to pick up on. 

“How did you meet Adam…?” Lance asked, refusing to look at whatever confused expression would overcome Shiro's face at the mention of his fiancé back on earth. 

The silence that followed for a bit after Lance posed the question informed Lance without having to look at him that Shiro had been caught off guard by his question, but when he heard him clear his throat, he knew he wasn’t upset. Just a little confused. 

“Well… uh… we met in the cadet program. He was assigned as my flight partner and we kinda just hit it off I guess.” 

Lance buried his chin between his knees as he prepared himself for the next question he wanted to ask, taking a deep breath to steady the beat of his heart. 

“When did you know you loved him…?” He questioned, his voice weak with self-consciousness. 

This time in the silence, Lance couldn’t even hear Shiro breathe. He was silent. Still as a statue in his peripheral vision. Lance’s entire body felt like it had seized up too. The sting of tears burning at the back of his eyes as Lance began to face the reality that he knew… he knew Shiro was figuring it out. Shiro was starting to understand, even if it did confuse him. Shiro was starting, slowly, to catch on.

But then, voice clear and unwavering, Shiro spoke up again, answering the question with ease. 

“When he first called me Takashi.” He said softly. “I knew then…”

And for whatever reason, that makes something inside Lance flush and he’s suddenly grinning weakly through tears, burying his face into his knees and breathing deeply as the smile grows and the tears fall and he inexplicably wants to laugh. Because it was that simple wasn’t it? Gender aside, it was a simple thing really. Shiro had never had some grand epiphany either. He hadn’t had some giant realization. It had happened slowly with him too. Over time. It was just a layer of intimacy they had come to naturally, and Once they got there, Shiro knew. It was that simple. 

Nobody called Shiro Takashi. You didn’t even call him Shiro unless you were friends with him or knew him on a personal level. Lance didn’t have to know Adam and Shiro's history to hear that story and understand how intimate and special it must have been for him the first time Adam had used his first name. And that’s all it took. It was then that Shiro knew. It was simple. It always had been. 

It was this fear he had that complicated things. This stupid, horrible, internalized fear. But after Shiro shared something like that, something that had to be close to him… special to him, Lance finally felt like he could say it. Especially to Shiro. He could finally tell someone of the emotion boiling over in his chest.

“I think I’m falling in love with him, Shiro,” Lance said, his tears thickening his words, grin mellowing a little as he took a shaky breath. “With Keith. He continued, I’m falling in love with Keith.” 

The aftermath of it washed over him like a wave. Like a dam breaking, all his composure seemed to crumble at his feet. He expected that admitting it would hit him hard but he didn’t think he would cry like this… right here in front of Shiro. And yet here he was, his eyes burning and his tears continued to pool into them. 

And then he just… cried, surprised as he started to feel every knot in his chest unravel. A weight seemed to just float off of him on cue. “Shiro I think I’m in love… he repeated. I’m in love with him.”

Shiro blinked. His eyes going so wide it might have even been funny if Lance didn't feel like he was going to die from lack of oxygen and heart failure. He finally looked cautiously to Shiro and was surprised to see that not only did he look completely shocked, but Shiro’s eyes were glossy with his own tears. 

He laughed, a little breathlessly and then he was grinning. “Lance, that… that’s amazing- I’m… wow, I'm so proud- why are you crying?! That’s amazing Lance!” 

“Because I'm terrified, Shiro. Lance whimpered. I’m terrified because… because I love him…! And that terrifies me… for so many reasons... and now he’s hurt and I know I really fucked up and he hates me and what if he dies in that pod? What if I can never apologize?” 

Then suddenly he was being hugged. Shiro’s big arms holding him in a tight squeeze. He pulled back, putting his hands on his shoulders and looked him in the eye, his eyes still glossy and smile still strong.

“He’ll be just fine Lance.” He said softly. “I swear.” 

Lance sniffed and wiped a tear, looking down. “And then what? He asked. I tell him I’m sorry and that I was being a dick because I love you and then after that? Do I go back to earth and tell my dad, hey you thought I was dead but I’m actually alive and oh hey I’m gay too? Don’t worry I’ll see myself out because I know how you feel about that and probably think I’m despicable??”

Shiro faltered. “Is that what this is about? He asked gently.” 

“Yes!” Lance said wiping his eyes as he continued to cry. “I’m in love with the one person that I shouldn’t be! And after everything, I put my family through I think I can just go back and throw this at them too?” 

“Yes,” Shiro said without even an ounce of hesitance. Lance, god, of course you can! You feeling guilty knowing that they thought you were dead and went through a lot of pain is valid. Liking Keith and thinking that’s going to put them through an equal amount of pain is not. In a more likely situation, they will be so happy to have you back, alive and safe, that severity of you telling them that you’re gay will pale in comparison.”

“My dad will hate me,” Lance whispered through tears. 

“If he does that that’s terribly unfortunate, but it’s not at all worth jeopardizing your own truth and living unhappily. You have every right to love whoever you want to love and deserve all the happiness in the world. And hey, if the person you choose to love is Keith, l may be biased, but I’d say that that’s a great choice.” His eyes are still teary as he says this and it makes Lance flush and tingle with a happy warmth he truly hadn’t expected to feel after this particular confession. He laughs, unable to stop himself. 

“You are biased.” He chuckled tearfully.

Shiro smiled back. “And you’re valid.” He said. “Always. Never forget that ok?” 

And then Lance couldn’t help it. He started to sob, pulling Shiro in again for a hug. Whispering “thank you, thank you, thank you” over and over again through his tears. His heart swelling. Finally feeling like the thought of loving Keith wouldn’t tear him to pieces. He could live with his feelings for Keith, and he would, even if Keith no longer returned them.  
____

Lance heard the beeping late at night. It was soft but had still managed to wake him up. Still half asleep he realized that he was covered in a blanket and a pillow rested beneath his head where he slept on the floor in the med bay, presumably something Shiro had done for him. It was comfortable, and Lance had almost let himself fall back asleep until he remembered that he had been woken by beeping and realized in a rush that that meant that Keith's pod was doing something other than counting down and shot upright, eyes flying wide open in anticipation as he looked up for Keith.

When his gaze landed on him though, the air in the room suddenly felt five times thicker. Keith was stepping down slowly out of his pod, one hand on his stomach while the other braced him against the metal of the pod.

His eyes, dark and deep, staring right at him the entire time, scanning over his makeshift bed before coming back to meet Lance’s eyes. He looked tentative, and guarded, his face resting in a soft, unreadable scowl.

“Keith…” Lance whispered, willing the tears he felt to stay behind his eyes and failing. “You’re ok?” 

The question was somehow both a statement and a question at the same time, but Keith nodded a little nonetheless. 

“How long have I been out…” Keith asked.

“A week,” Lance replied, standing up off the ground. “I … I didn't know if you would-”

“I’m fine, Lance”…. Keith cut him off. “Promise.”  
Lance was doing absolutely everything he could to hold himself together as he looked at Keith, his cheeks rosy from the cooling effect of the pod and making him look all the more stunning.

They swept into a tense silence very quickly, both unsure of where to go from here. Both completely unsure where anything stood between them. 

“You didn't…” Keith spoke up again. “You didn't have to wait for me,” he said gesturing to the pillow and blanket on the ground with a flick of his eyes in their direction. 

Lance rubbed his upper arm, looking bashful and blushing a bit as he replied, “it was either this or stay up all night worrying. I just… I wanted to be here in case… in case something went wrong or…”

Keith was looking at the floor again, mouth pressed in a tight line. 

The quiet hum of the castle filled the space between them as they contemplated whether or not they should keep talking or just give up.

Lance thought of his confession to Shiro. How wonderful it had felt to get it off his chest, how simple everything really was in perspective, and how much he wanted to tell Keith, regardless of if he would reject him or not. And then he thought of the hallucination. The vile that had spilled from Keith's mouth, the fury and anger that rippled through him. The disgust that Lance couldn't understand as just his imagination being corrupted when it had felt so real. 

“I understand if you hate me…” Lance said softly, taking a deep breath. “I get it. I kinda hate me too… for everything I did.”

Keith scowled deeper, his eyes flicking back up to Lance’s downcast gaze where he was watching his foot scuff back and forth on the floor.

“I’ve never hated you, Lance…” Keith replied back tiredly. “Not for lack of trying…and I did try, but… I could never hate you.” 

“But… I was acting so terrible!” Lance argued, a bit confused with Keith's response. Keith had every right to hate him. He should hate him.

“I see it now,” he continued. “I was horrible, and I should have never-”

“It was the shittiest thing you could have possibly done to me,” Keith interjected, his voice weak. “I’m not denying that you acted like an ass. But for whatever reason, I still don't hate you. I get why you did what you did, even if it wasn't fair to me.”

But… Lance said, his words starting to sound like whimpers. I hurt you, and I was cruel and unsympathetic. I was a coward… I was pathetic… I don’t deserve anything after…. After treating you like… like I did. Like I didn't care…. Just because I didn't want to end up hurting myself. I just hurt you instead and that was wrong, and- and you should be mad!

A twinge of surprise passed over Keith’s features. Hey, where are you getting all this “pathetic and unworthy” shit from? You screwed up but you shouldn’t think of yourself like that Lance, that’s not at all true and you know it.

I heard it from you, Keith! Lance cried. I got it straight from your mouth! And you were so right…! I realize that now. You were right to hate me. After everything, I’ve done to you… to everyone…

A hallucination of me told you that you were useless? Keith said slowly. 

“Among other things, Yes. But it doesn't matter if it was a hallucination or not. It was true. And you have every right to feel that way about me.”

Keith sighed, crossing his arms tighter into his chest as he looked to the floor. 

“I don’t… you didn’t deserve that, Keith! You should hate me!” 

“That’s the thing,” Keith sighed. “It hurt so much because I couldn't stop caring. It hurt because I wanted to love you more than I wanted to hate you, and I couldn't do anything about it. And then I got stuck on this terrible planet where all I could see, every day, was you dying, over and over. Knowing that it wasn't real and yet still feeling like I was dying too. Realizing over and over how much I really cared. How much I needed you to be safe, for my own fucking sanity, before I could have any thoughts about hating you and wanting to make you feel the pain that you put on me. Love is weird like that, Lance.”

Lance's breath caught in his throat. “You…” he whispered. “You still love me...?”

“God, Lance are you really that much of an idiot?” Keith said, Lance only just realizing how wet his eyes had become. “Of course I do! All I want is to get back to how things were before all this shit happened. I want to spend time with the Lance that knows how to brighten up an entire room and makes terrible jokes and is always up for a challenge! The Lance that was my friend before everything got messy! I just want all this hating each other to be over… because I don't hate you. I don't hate you at all and I'm so tired of forcing myself to! You hurt me so much Lance, but I hurt you too. And now we're dancing around each other to try and protect ourselves from getting hurt again, but it isn’t worth it! At least for me, it's not. Because what hurts worse is not being able to do something as simple as coexist with you. It hurts me more to hate you. I never wanted to hate you…”

And then it was happening again. Lance was moving forwards quicker than he could ting to stop himself and then he was kissing him. 

Keith's eyes went wide as he watched him, Lance’s eyes shut tight as he moved his lips against his, so soft, and yet there was this bite of determination that Keith saw plainly on his face. It made Keith melt into putty. He wanted to take Lance in his arms and kiss the breath out of him. He wanted to get him closer… feel his chest against his and the warmth of his skin under his shirt. Keith wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and bury himself in the sensation, but despite the screaming in his heart that told him not to, he found himself pulling Lance away, tears burning his eyes 

Lance blinked up at him, a bit dazed. His brows furrowed in a sad confusion. The question was more than implied. 

“What are you doing?!” He asked, breathless. 

And Lance was blushing furiously, but he forced himself to meet his eyes. 

“What does it look like I'm doing?! I'm kissing your stupid, beautiful, face before I lose my goddamn mind!

Keith felt his insides go still. His heart nearly halting in his chest. Lance wasn't running. He was looking him the eyes and gripping the fabric of the suit that covered his chest. He was crying and shaking and out of breath, but he wasn't running. He had called him beautiful...

“Don’t kiss me…” Keith breathed. “Unless you mean it. Do you understand? If you kiss me right now that means-”

“That I love you,” Lance replied. Looking weak with the words leaving his tongue. More tears built up in his eyes and he started to shake more violently, finally breaking eye contact to look at his fists. “I … I love you, Keith.” He breathed “And I’m not going to run away… I swear. I won’t run. The only reason I ever ran in the past was because I loved you and didn't know how do deal with it. But I’m done being afraid Keith. I want to be with you and love you and I always have. I don’t care anymore! I’m honestly so fucking done with caring about what other people think. I’ve been killing myself over the opinions of others and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t, and hadn’t been so fucking in love with you all this time, but I’m done! I just want to finally be able to love you. Please… Lance asked. Can we please just do that?”

And now Keith was definitely crying. His heart clenching at the look of sincerity in Lance’s eyes. “You mean it…” He said. Lance nodded, his eyes shining, maybe with tears, maybe with hope, maybe with a bit of both. More than anything. Lance replied, boldly moving his fist from Keith's chest to stroke the side of Keith’s jaw with his shaking hand in a gesture that was so reverent and loving that it nearly made Keith collapse. When they kissed again this time, it was Keith who had pulled him in. He shut his eyes tightly, his face twisting into one of relief and joy and every amazing feeling that was coursing through his veins. He felt whole. Complete. Lance loved him. He loved him enough that he was putting aside his fear. 

“You don’t know how long I’ve dreamed of you saying that…” Keith said against Lance’s lips, his arms full of the beautiful boy as he squeezed him closer, savoring the warmth of his body and wiping away the tears on his cheeks. He could feel his heart pounding against his, a little fluttering beat beneath his chest that told Keith that this was real. This was right. Nothing in the world could make him happier than he was at this moment. 

Lance pulled away from his lips and buried his face into the side of Keith’s neck. He was sobbing. Shaking. Maybe it was still with a bit of fear, but he wasn't running this time. He was clinging to him, so tightly, and with so much love. Never wanting to let go.

 

***Post Accident, Week 7 Day 3***

To say that Keith felt extremely and one hundred percent satisfied with how his last conversation with Lance had gone the last time they spoke wasn’t exactly true. Half, if not the majority of the things he said had been lies, and that didn’t rest well with Keith at all. But on the contrary, Lance had been happy, and Keith had felt happy finally being able to interact with a healing and healthy Lance after all this time. 

There were areas in their conversation he wished he could take back and replace with the truth of course, but given their set of circumstances, it was all that he could have done and he was happy that Lance had been so talkative and bright. That was what was most important to him. 

Lance was clearly being true to character in some ways still, whether or not he realized it with the fact that he rushed himself and caused himself to fall. He was stubborn like that. But if all this showed Keith anything, it was that, more so than anyone else, he had to be there to help Lance along. If he could make him smile and if he could keep him from doing stupid things, then that came before anything else. Even, if not especially, his own feelings. 

And that’s exactly what he had told Shiro when he had dropped by his apartment that afternoon to, quote, “see if he was still alive.” 

He did feel bad that he had been so off the grid recently. Even with Shiro, and let him in apologetically. 

When Shiro came through the door Keith saw that he had a takeout bag in his hand and his heartbeat literally quickened. 

“Is that what I think it is?!” He asked, maybe a bit too excitedly. 

Shiro smirked. “You lose! They’re still in business!” 

Keith scoffed, but it came out more as a laugh than he had intended. “No fucking way.”

With no haste whatsoever, Keith opened one of the boxes and immediately, as soon as the smell hit his nose, he was shot back to his years as a cadet. 

It was around maybe his second year at the Garrison and him, Shiro, and Adam were quickly becoming a trio. Shiro kept inviting him to their apartment after classes and Keith knew it was because Shiro felt bad for him, but between accepting someone's pity of him being a sad, lonely orphan kid, and actually having to be a sad lonely orphan kid every time he returned to the home and ate the stale meals that they served all the kids by himself, he was willing enough to swallow his pride. Especially if the people pitting him happened to be offering him good, free food. 

So Keith had tentatively accepted his offers, secretly super happy at the prospect of having someone to eat with other than himself. The first day, Shiro had led Keith up to his apartment that he and Adam shared at the Garrison. Adam had been in the kitchen, already started on the meal that Shiro warned him they would be having with a guest. A guest that Adam had spent many an evening listening to Shiro rave about so fondly.

He had stepped away from the stove to greet him, sticking out his hand for Keith to shake. “It's great to finally meet you, Keith recalled him saying, and Keith hadn’t exactly been a shy kid, but he wasn't very socially adapt either. He remembered visibly, just nodding as he stared at the man's outstretched hand before Adam decided to pat him on the shoulder instead. 

“How do you feel about burgers, Keith?” He had asked, and Keith had instantly decided that he liked him, even more so when he took his first bite. 

“Adam is a great cook, huh.” Shiro had chuckled, watching the kid devour a burger that was about equal to the size of his face. And Keith nodded, still tentative to show just how much he was enjoying all this. The tradition continued for years after that. Keith would come over for a meal at least twice a week before going back to the home, growing closer with Shiro and Adam with every visit. It quickly became common practice to just let himself in on their designated meal days and Keith didn’t feel as lonely for the first time in what had been a long time. 

Keith basically grew up with Adam and Shiro, and the three of them felt like a little family. One that Keith treasured more than he would have ever admitted.

Keith loved their meals together and Adam’s cooking was always fantastic, but the carry-out food that he and Shiro were digging into now, that had been the icing on the cake in terms of best meals. It had been by accident the first time, he and Shiro had been out all day on the hoverbikes and Adam had met up with them later that day. They had begun looking for a place to eat and got lost, eventually wandering into a building that looked like it was three minutes from falling apart completely. It was dingy but as soon as they entered, they were hit with an amazing assortment of smells. 

Turns out it was a restaurant, and they served Keith, Adam, and Shiro one of the best meals any of them had ever had. Years passed, and they kept ordering takeout from the place. It became a running joke every time they went to call in an order that the place would have closed down, caught fire, or got blown over by a gust of wind, but miraculously, it was still intact every time, even years later. 

Keith had always been the one to bet that it would close down because it looked like a literal dump, but it was a bet he just kept loosing, and honestly, he was ok with that. 

Keith brought a fork to his mouth and after so many years of eating whatever strange food he had available to him in space, it tasted especially incredible.

They ate in silence, both of them too preoccupied with their food to engage in a conversation and stuffed themselves full until their containers were spotless. 

“Damn,” Keith said, basically out of breath. 

“Damn…” Shiro agreed. 

“I forgot how good food can taste.” 

Shiro smiled, chuckling as he looked at himself and then to Keith, both of them sprawled out dramatically as they began to enter their own respective food comas. Keith smirked back, trying to contain the laughter in his chest without success. 

“I wish Adam was here,” Keith said, almost absently, to the point where it surprised him that the words had come out of his mouth without even thinking. In fact, until this moment, Keith was ashamed to say that Adam had not been a thought of his at all, having been too consumed with his own fiance to think about Shiro’s.

It brought upon a question that Keith couldn’t believe he hadn't already asked himself. Where was Adam? And why hadn’t Shiro reunited with him yet?

Shiro’s happy face turned immediately into a look of hurt and he was casting his gaze into his lap quicker than Keith could think to look apologetic for bringing up something that was probably upsetting. 

But Shiro just sighed a bit forlornly and looked at his hands. “The Garrison is keeping our return a secret from him, too.” He said softly. Unless you have Admiral in your title or are a high commander, our return will be kept under lock and key. Nobody is allowed to know yet. I was going to try and see him months ago. Basically as soon as I got back, but when I tried they stopped me and threatened me with charges of treason if I went through with it.”

“That’s complete bullshit!” Keith said angrily, throwing his hands out sharply. “They should allow you to see him! What immediate harm is going to come from you seeing him again?! It’s just straight bullshit!”

“If you think that then why didn’t you tell Lance that you were his fiancé? Why didn’t you say anything to him about the war? Why are you keeping him from the truth?”

Keith scowl darkened immediately. “That’s... That’s completely different Shiro.”

“How?” Shiro asked. “You keeping this stuff from him to protect him is no different from the Garrison wanting to keep the public calm in the face of new alien life! I would give anything to just see Adam again. You have Lance. So why won’t you tell him?”

Keith sighed, long and unhappy. He knew Shiro was just trying to validate the Garrisons actions for his own sake, as well as to cool down Keith’s temper, but Keith didn't want to validate something that they both knew was unnecessary, and overly cautious.

“Do you remember when Lance and I first got together?” Keith asked softly. 

“Of course I do,” Shiro responded. 

“You remember how hesitant he was to admit his feelings, right?” Keith asked. 

“Yeah, he was really… well, he was scared to.” 

Keith nodded. “Exactly.” He said. “He told me that talking to you when he was scared was partly what helped him make his decision. What did he tell you when he confronted you about it?”

“…He talked about his dad.” Shiro replied slowly, recalling the conversation. “He had been saying that he knew he loved you and it was scary for him to realize because his dad was homophobic.”

Keith nodded, looking Shiro in the eyes. “Family is one of the most important things in Lance’s life. Him choosing to follow his heart and let himself be with me threatened the one thing he held most dear. To him, choosing me was terrifying because he didn’t know how his father would react to me if we all came home. He didn’t want to lose his family because he was with me.”

“It took two years Shiro. Two years for his nightmares to stop coming so frequently after we got together. He’d wake up in the middle of the night sobbing because in his dream he had brought me to his dad and his dad had disowned him in turn. Told him he was filthy and turned his family against him. Shiro, these dreams traumatized him for so long. It took him such a long time to grow into himself enough to not feel insecure about the idea of us. It took him so long to heal.”

“Now though, he’s forgotten all that progress he made. He’s forgotten the strength he had built in himself to not feel completely crippled at the thought of being with me and having his father reject him. How could I tell him?! With everything he’s going through how could I go up to him and give him back all of his anxieties about his sexuality. We’re back on earth now Shiro. Finally, Lance can see his family again. How could I possibly choose to make that reunion hurt him?”

“Well, you told him about your fake fiancé and from what you told me he seemed to take that well. So obviously he’s fine with the idea of you being with a man. How do you know that he will feel the same way that he did? How do you know that the maturity he developed hasn’t stayed a bit, at least in some capacity?”

“I don’t.” Keith said, “Same as I don’t know if it will hurt him. I can’t take that chance. I would never forgive myself if I did. He’s on earth now. He can see his family again. He can learn about himself from them and remember things in a way that won’t hurt. If in time he remembered what we were then we’ll work through it together, but I refuse to put more on him after he’s already been through so much.”

“Well, that brings up another problem then…” Shiro sighed. “The Garrison is keeping Lance’s return just as secret as ours.” 

Keith's eyes widened a bit as he realized what that meant. 

“They won’t let Lance see his family....” Keith muttered. And Shiro nodded. 

“Lance asked about his family a while back, asking where they were. I tried to figure it out after we didn’t have anything to tell him but the Garrison says that the circumstances pose too many uncertainties and they aren’t ready to tell anyone outside of Garrison high ranks about the existence of alien life for the same reason we haven’t told Lance about his involvement with alien life. It would be extremely overwhelming. They want to find a way to ease into it.”  
They have incredibly close eyes on the family. They’re monitoring everything. If there is any threat of a breach in information, you’d better believe they’re going to neutralize it before it gets within 10 yards of anyone in Lance’s family. 

“But everything I’ve told him was specifically so he could reunite with his family without worry! He needs them, Shiro! And they deserve to see him!”

“According to the rest of the world, we’re all still dead. They won't let any of our families know we're alive.”

“Well, they’re going to have to make an exception!” Keith said lifting himself off the ground in a huff. “I’m not just going to stand here and let Lance think that his family isn’t going to come for him. He’s already so vulnerable. He could get so much better if he had their support!”

"Then how do you expect to reunite them? Behind the Garrisons’ back? They won’t let you leave the state, let alone the very specific designated areas in the city." 

"I’m going to walk right up to them and ask them to reconsider." 

"And if they don’t?"

"That’s not an option."

Shiro sighed. "Well, if you're actually going to go through with this at least let me come with you. he said. Maybe they’ll be more friendly to the idea if it comes from both of us. "

"Great then, come on let's go," Keith said finally, moving to walk quickly into his bedroom. 

"Wait, right now?" Shiro asked incredulously. 

"Yeah." Keith's voice came through his doorway. “Were done with our food and we've got time. The sooner we can get this done the better.”

Keith re-emerged from his room, pulling a hoodie over his head as he tossed a larger one to Shiro. It was a precaution the Garrison had instructed them all to adhere to when they planned to go out into the public. Wearing a hoodie or a baseball cap or sunglasses to try and keep people from recognizing them on the street. But it was only after he had pulled the hood over his head that he realized that he had accidentally grabbed one of Lance’s hoodies that he had stolen from him a while back. 

Shiro saw the look that had spread over Keith’s face and quirked a brow. 

“What?” He asked. 

Keith had very diligently avoided Lance’s clothing ever since he moved into this apartment, but now, having this warm, lance smelling, soft hoodie wrapped around him gave him such a feeling of pleasure that he was thrown for a loop and had to stop for a moment to appreciate it. 

“It’s… nothing.” Keith finally replied, shaking out of his revery and pulling the hoodie tighter around him. “Let’s get going.”  
The Garrison had designated, heavily monitored streets and pathways that they were instructed to take wherever they traveled. In the halls of the Garrison, there were even back entrances and halls that they had to go through to avoid public spaces. It was meticulous and a little bit overboard in Keith’s opinion, but something they had to comply with nonetheless. 

Over the past few months, Keith hadn’t really been anywhere other than the hospital, and his apartment, so he followed after Shiro who had gone to the garrison to discuss things with the high command numerous times already. 

Together they wound through the back halls of the building once they arrived at the Garrison until they came to the door that would lead them to a room outside the admiral's office. Shiro pulled out a badge that they had given to all of team Voltron and scanned it to unlock the door. Keith followed him inside, readying himself to give the high command a piece of his mind. 

They waited in the little room for only a few moments before a familiar squinty-eyed man was stepping through the door on the other side of the room.

“You really should have called to notify her that you were coming before showing up here unannounced.” He griped, rubbing his temple. “She’s not very happy”

“And have her schedule to meet us in two weeks? No. this is something that needs to be discussed now.” Keith bit back, and Shiro sighed. 

“We just have some things that we needed to discuss with her. We're sorry for our abrupt arrival.”

Iverson just shook his head and waved them through the door tiredly. 

The admiral was waiting for them with a scowl ready on her face. 

This is really a disgraceful break in protocol, both of you, I thought you respected this institution enough to adhere to the commands that come directly from an admiral.

Keith scoffed, arms crossed over his chest. "If anything we did over the past few years was under the Garrison, we’d outrank you." He snarked. "So don’t try that with me, Sanda, it just makes you look desperate for a reason to be upset." 

"What do you want?" The admiral growled. 

"I want you to grant Lance Sanches permission to see his family again." He replied.

“-For all of Voltron to be able to reconnect with our loved ones,” Shiro added. 

"We can’t do that," Sanda said without missing a beat. 

"Again." Keith punctuated. "I am not concerned with protocol. This isn’t a request." 

"Are you threatening me?"

"Only if you keep making this difficult." 

"Keith," Shiro warned, shooting him a look that Keith skillfully ignored.

"Look, Kogane, we can’t risk a breach for a family reunion! That’s just how it is." 

Keith leaned across the table and slammed his fist down. 

"You’re gonna allow my fiancé to see his family again or I will fly to Cuba and bring them back here myself," Keith growled.

"OK," Shiro said stepping in and putting a hand across Keith’s chest, pushing him back. "We’re not here to threaten anyone, he said giving a pointed look to Keith. We are just as interested in keeping Earth safe as anyone. But what we're trying to ask for is not completely unreasonable. If the Garrison monitors everything and insists that our families don’t say anything, I’m sure they would comply."

"Yes, I agree," Iverson spoke up. "We’re on the same side here. We can’t get caught up in petty arguments with so much at stake. But we’re trying to keep everyone safe and only plan to announce the coming war when the time is right- when we’re better prepared. We must address the public at a time when we can say that we’re prepared for the fight so widespread panic won’t ensue."

"I’m not asking you to address the public, I’m just asking that you allow our team the ability to be with those we love before we have to fight for their lives in a war that is coming sooner than you think. This won’t create a breach, this will help us go strongly into the fight."

"Iverson, Admiral, we’ve been out, fighting this war for years. We know better than anyone the severity of the coming threat. All of us are willing to lay down our lives for this mission and it should be basic human decency to let us say goodbye to our families before we go. And this is something that could help my team more than you realize. It can give us the strength we need to fight a good fight."

"If it’s really so much of a liability as you seem to think it is, I would have to question your strength as a military organization. Not being able to keep top secret information from the public in light of letting a few civilians know that their missing family members are alive means to me that you aren’t in control, and that the system your running here is fragile." 

Keith sucked in a breath that almost turned into what would have been a laugh and kept himself from smiling at Shiro by pressing his lips together. He’d have to praise him for that one later.

“Were simply trying to eliminate all negative possibilities.” The Admiral said through a clenched jaw. “There is no need to undermine my institution to get what you want.”

“I believe what we want is what’s going to be best for all of us in the long run.“

“I might have to agree with them on this one Admiral,” Iverson spoke up suddenly. “I've seen first hand how much better soldiers perform after they go on leave. Voltron is our biggest hope in winning this war. It should be our top priority to ensure they receive everything that they need in order to perform their best when the time comes.”

“Well then how do you suppose we keep such sensitive information from being leaked when more and more people are told, commander?” Sanda bit. 

“Consider the fact that the people we would be telling would be under the impression that their children had died years ago. I think they will be more than eager to keep a secret if it means they can see them again and ensure their safety.”

The admiral furrowed her brows and hummed into the fists that she had folded in front of her mouth. She was considering it…

"I also want Lance to be able to leave the hospital," Keith added quickly. 

"Sanchez is still healing, from what I’ve heard. Can’t even walk properly yet, why would you have him leave the hospital?" 

"Because being in there and having no idea what the world outside his room is like is making him stir crazy. He just injured himself by trying to walk without supervision. He’s starved for change."

The admiral sighed. "What is it you’re asking for Kogane." 

"Let me take him to the beach," Keith said, seeming like he hadn’t just thought the idea up in the fly. Shiro shot him a glance, one eyebrow quirked up curiously. 

“You can close it off from the public so nobody has a chance to recognize us.” Keith continued. “I think going to places close to his heart could trigger memories. He’s a vital part of our team and we can’t risk his recovery slowing down. We need him in this fight. Giving him opportunities to reconnect with places he’s actually familiar with could help speed up his recovery.”

“I actually might have an easier solution to that…” Shiro said. “And Keith turned to look at him confusedly.”

“You both are familiar with Commander Holt's daughter Katie, correct? The paladin of the green lion?”

“We’ve met…” Iverson replied, unenthusiastically. 

Well last I spoke with her she was working on some new tech. She’ll have to come in and explain the specifics, but she's working with some technology she recovered from an alien planet we visited a few years back that could control your perceptions of reality. She’s been working for quite a while on some sort of personal camouflage technology that apparently has a lot of applications. If she actually finalizes her plans, I’m guessing it could have the potential to keep a person hidden in plain sight. At least, that’s what she said. It could be used to keep our identities concealed even in the wake of a breach of information if there ever was one.

The admiral pursed her lips, but she didn't outright reject the idea, wich to Keith was a pretty good sign.

Before I make any decisions on this, I will need to see the technology and discuss it with high command. Still, this isn't a yes.

“But it’s not a no?” Shiro asked hopefully. 

“Supposing that this technology is sound, it could eliminate a lot of liability. You could walk freely without us having to restrict you to certain locations…. How soon can she meet with me to go over logistics?” The admiral asked. 

“I’m sure if I called, she’d be here in minutes.” Shiro smiled, breathy with the new hope coursing through him. Sanda was considering it…. He really might be able to see Adam again….

“Well get in touch with her and let me know.” The admiral continued. “We may have an option here after all.”

____

Maria Sanchez had been in the middle of preparing breakfast when the doorbell rang through her home unexpectedly on what had been a typical, slow summer morning. It was vaguely unusual to her that someone had come by this early, but she didn't think too much about it. Maybe it was one of the neighbors, or maybe one of the kids had ordered a package… 

“Rachel! Mija, someone is at the door!” She said loudly, hoping that her daughter would hear her. 

“Got it!” Rachel called back, already heading towards the door. She had a half-eaten piece of toast in her mouth and was still in her pajamas, pulling her hair back into a ponytail as she moved towards the front door. So when she opened it to greet the unknown visitors, she certainly had not expected to confront two tall, clearly Garrison men dressed in full uniform standing on her front step. 

Rachel immediately went still, slowly taking the toast out of her mouth as she looked up at them with wide eyes, her heart quickening with nerves. The last time Garrison officials had shown up at her door…

Images of her late brother flashed through her mind painfully at the sight in front of them, and it took everything in her power to keep her composure.

Her chest constricted painfully and she began to panic even more as one of the men spoke up. “Good morning, we apologize for the interruption. Is either Maria or Santiago Sanchez home?”

“Mama?” She called out worriedly. “Mama, rápidamente!”

Maria, not having expected that, quickly dried off her hands with a kitchen towel in concern. Santiago had peeked in to the room to look at her curiously, having heard her and Rachel's exchanged and went together down the hall to see what the commotion was all about. Marco, Veronica, Louise, Lisa and the kids, who were all visiting for the summer, descended the steps at that same moment to peek at the front door, and every last one of them halted in their tracks when they saw who stood in front of Rachel.

“Mr. and Mrs. Sanches,” One of the men said, spotting the two parents amidst the growing crowd. “May we come in?”

The house went dead quiet as Maria nodded, Rachel closing the door behind them as they stepped inside. Maria and Santiago lead the two men into the living room and invited them to sit, everyone trying their best to keep calm but feeling like they could combust at any moment. 

They took a few moments to settle before getting to business. 

“What we are about to share with you all is top secret, highly sensitive Garrison information. If word of what we say here today leaves these walls, the consequences will be severe. Is that understood?” One of the men said strictly.

Everyone gave small nods as they waited for him to continue. 

“We have been sent here by request of Admiral Sanda to arrange for all of you to be brought back to the Garrison as soon as possible.”

“What for?” Veronica questioned critically, trying to keep her voice from shaking with her arms crossed over her chest. 

“An intergalactic war is coming to Earth.” The other official said. “And over the past 6 years your son, Lance Sanchez, who had been fighting that war, has just returned to Earth.” 

The room collectively gasped, and Maria's eyes were instantly flooded with tears. She felt like she could faint if not for the suddenly very tight grip her husband gave to her hand. 

“I-” she stammered. “We were told that he… we had a funeral- you said he had-”

“We weren't exactly certain what had happened at the time, and our orders were to keep what we knew about the cause of his disappearance confidential. But he and his team have come back.”

“Lance was in intensive care for several months, has lost his memory, and ability to walk after coming back from a coma, but he’s now getting better.” 

“We believe you can help him make a full recovery.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY FOR TRUE LOVE IN PART 1 WOOHOOOO
> 
> Yall see these storylines connecting/ influencing each other??? yeah???
> 
> Admiral Sanda isn't completely heartless. She's just intense and wants the best for Earth. :))
> 
> Also, as I said before, I wrote most of my drafts for this fic way before the show ended/ met Lance's family, so the only thing that will be canon compliant about them are their names (which I changed to match the canon names) and their personality traits. Other than that, it won't match up. 
> 
> I like to think that it isn't all that unlikely that Lance's entire family would happen to be in the house to receive the news because they're defs the kind of family that spends summers together am I right? I also didn't want to make Veronica work at the Garrison as she does in the show because I wanted that to be something that was specifically associated with Lance for the family. Until this point, this poor family was told that their son died in a flight accident. They buried an empty casket, so you better believe seeing that Garrison uniform would unearth some painful scars for them. But Keith wasn't about to let the most important people in his fiance's life be kept in the dark, no sir. You better believe he's gonna fight for every smile he can give Lance in all this mess. <3


End file.
